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Outtakes From A U2 Soap Opera:"As The Disco Lemon Turns"by Mandi |
| ~Outtake One~ The cameraman angles in on Bono’s face, his baby blue eyes soft and thoughtful as he sits at a window, looking off into space. Then the cameraman shifts to focus on the door as Larry walks in, puffing out his muscular manly chest. Bono turns to him and his face brightens. Bono: (Standing up and taking a few steps toward him) “Larry…you’re out of jail! Oh, how I’ve missed you!” Larry: (Rushing forward to Bono and gathering him up in his arms) (Stiffly in what most would consider bad acting) “I missed you too, baby…” He leans in to share an intimate moment with Bono right as Bono bursts into a fit of laughter. Director: “God, LARRY!” Larry: (Letting go of Bono) (Shrugging defensively) “What I’d do???” The director, a short Mexican girl, stomps up to Larry as Bono falls onto the couch in a fit of giggles. The camera zooms in. Director: (Nodding angrily) “You want to know what’s wrong? Huh? YOU WANT TO KNOW???” Larry nods innocently and the director reaches up to his face, painfully and fiercely ripping a false mustache off him. Larry: (Grabbing his upper lip as tears come to his eyes) “OHHHHHHHHH SHITE!” Director: (Waving the mustache in his face) “You forgot to take your mustache off from the last scene!” (Walking away as she yells to the backstage people) “If he wasn’t so damn pretty- ” Larry: (Interjecting) “You mean HANSDOME!” Director: (Nodding angrily toward Larry) “WHATEVER, PRETTY BOY! Let’s try this scene AGAIN…” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Two~ The camera is focused on the police station set. Larry is dressed up as the hunky police officer, whom is supposed to be working silently behind the desk. Bono is dressed up as a woman. Adam is dressed up as another police officer, and is undoing handcuffs on Bono. Edge suddenly bursts in. Edge: (Reading off his hand) “Stop! If you arrest Bonita…” (Pauses to check hand) “You must…arrest me as well! For I also had…something to do with the murder!” Bono: (Dramatically in character with handcuffed arms failing, nearly hitting Adam) “Dave, what are you doing!?” Edge: “Err…” (Looks at hand) “I cannot let you sit in jail alone for-” Director: “Wait! CUT! Edge, what are you doing?” Edge: (Looking at her off camera) (Shrugs) “My lines.” Director: (Gets up and walks over to Edge, into camera’s view) “Let me see your hand.” Edge: (Hiding his hand behind his back) “No.” Director: “EDGE, let me see your HAND!” Edge: “Nuh-uh.” Director: (Grabbing Edge’s arm as Edge struggles) “Edge, LEMME SEE IT!” The director and Edge begin to wrestle on the floor. Adam and Bono leap out of the way as Edge’s legs come flying at their faces. Bono trips on one of his high heels and falls over, his skirt flying up to reveal Pokemon boxers. Adam looks at the boxers and then the camera and keels over laughing as Larry climbs over the desk to get a better look at the scuffle going on between Edge and the director. Finally the director, sitting on Edge’s back and bending his arm backwards, stares at his hand. Director: “That’s what I thought!” (To Edge as she waves his hand in front of his face) “I told you to MEMORIZE your lines…WHY are they written on your hand?” (Looks up at camera) “HEY! Turn that camera OFF!” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Three~ The camera is focused on the police station set. Larry is dressed up as the hunky police officer, whom is supposed to be working silently behind the desk. Bono is dressed up as a woman. Adam is dressed up as another police officer, and is undoing handcuffs on Bono. Edge suddenly bursts in. Edge: (Holding a script) “Stop! If you arrest Bonita, you must arrest me as well for I also had something to do with the murder!” Bono: (Less enthusiastic than before) “Dave, what are you doing?” Edge: (Reading) “I cannot let you sit in jail alone, Bonita, for I love you!” (Scowls and tosses his script on the floor angrily) “HEY! CUT! Time OUT!” Director: (Off camera) “What now?” Edge: “Why does Dave have to be in love Bonita??” Director: “Because that’s the way the script goes!” Edge: (Crossing his arms, a primadonna look on his face) “I think you guys are just trying to get me and Bono to kiss because ratings are down!” Director: (Walking up to the camera) “That’s it, turn off the camera…” (Turns to Edge) “Look, PRINCESS…” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Four~ Adam and Larry are sitting on a couch. The camera angle makes it unable for the full situation to be seen, but one can pretty much tell the extent of the love scene they’re now acting out. Adam leans back, a smile on his face and plays with Larry’s hair. Adam: “God, I love you.” Larry: “Oh, Charles, I love you t-HEY, stop that!” (Bats Adam’s hand from his hair, breaking character) (Jumps up, fists clenched) “Don’t play with the hair!” Director: “CUT, CUT!” Adam: (Holding up his hands) “Hey, chill! It’s no big deal!” Larry: “IT’S NO BIG DEAL?? Do you know how long it took me to gel this and spike it perfectly! No, of course you wouldn’t.” (Smugly with a sway of the hips and a flip of the hand) “Sho ‘nough that you haven’t grown yours long enough to style since 1981…” Adam: (Jumping up) “You wanna mess wit me Pretty Boy? I ain’t scared of yo sorry ass!” Larry: “Well, I ain’t scared to hit a punk with glasses, BITCH!” Adam: “Oh, really? Well, let’s see what you got punk!” Larry: “Oh, you can’t handle this! You don’t want none of this, Mofo!” Larry and Adam begin to roll on the floor, fists flying and legs kicking. Director: “SECURITY!” Adam stands up to lunge at Larry and Larry pushes him into the camera, causing the lens to break and the camera to black out. ~Outtake Five~ The camera is focused on the police station set. Larry is dressed up as the hunky police officer, whom is supposed to be working silently behind the desk. Bono is dressed up as a woman. Adam is dressed up as another police officer, and is undoing handcuffs on Bono. Edge suddenly bursts in. Edge: “Stop! If you arrest Bonita, you must arrest me as well for I also had something to do with the murder!” Bono: (With no emotion whatsoever) “Dave, what are you doing?” Edge: (Full of drama) “I cannot let you sit in jail alone, Bonita, for I love you!” (Makes a face, but continues) “If you suffer, so must I!” Bono: (Sighs and rolls eyes) (Stiffly) “But Dave, they have already decided to let me go.” Edge: (Yelling) “I was just saying it to be with you!” (As Adam comes toward him) “I’m innocent, I tell you, INNOCENT!” (To Larry) “Officer Mullen, tell him I’m inno-” (Stares at Larry and lets out a huge growl of frustration, once more breaking character) “ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! Larry, what the HELL are you doing with that thing on your head???” Larry: (Attempting to look up at the huge frizzy blonde Afro on his head) (Grins at the other three) “Oh…I thought I’d be Adam!” Adam’s face falls into a deep glower and Edge throws up his arms, yelling at the director. Edge: (whipping out a cigarette and being an overall drama queen) “I’m sorry, I just CANNOT work under these conditions…with these…these…” (Motions at Larry’s Afro) “These morons!” Adam leaps over the desk to tackle the Afro off Larry’s head. Larry screams, clutching the Afro for dear life. Edge pounds his feet on the floor and storms off the set. Edge: (As he rushes past the director to his dressing room) (Sticking nose in the air) “If you decide to be SERIOUS about this I’ll be in my dressing room!” (Slams door) Camera whirls back around to Bono, standing by himself in a dress, heels and makeup as Larry and Adam roll past him on the floor. Bono: “Uh…Mandi? Yeah…ah, am I done, or…? Can I go take the dress off? H-Hello? Mandi?” (Sadly) “Mandi? …Anyone?” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Six~ The cameraman angles in on Bono’s face, his baby blue eyes soft and thoughtful as he sits at a window, looking off into space. Then the cameraman shifts to focus on the door as Larry walks in, puffing out his muscular manly chest. Bono turns to him and his face brightens. Bono: (Standing up and taking a few steps toward him) “Larry…you’re out of jail! Oh, how I’ve missed you!” Larry: (Rushing forward to Bono and gathering him up in his arms) (Stiffly in what most would consider bad acting) “I missed you too, baby…” He leans in to share an intimate moment with Bono then stops. He turns to the director, letting go of Bono. Larry: “Bono has a zit.” Bono gasps and he feels his face for it. Director: “…WHAT?” Larry: “Can we get makeup over here?” (Shouting) “BONO HAS A ZIT! WE NEED MAKEUP!” Bono: (Embarrassed) (Head in his hands) “Oh, God…” (Sits down on couch) Larry: “HELLO? Bono has a HUUUUGE zit! A PIMPLE! ACNE ALERT!!! We really need to clear this up. I can’t kiss him with that zit staring at me! MAKE UP???” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Seven~ The cameraman has decided to do some behind the scenes shots and is walking through a hallway leading to one of the sets when he stops at a broom closet. There are audible noises coming from the closet: banging, slapping and what distinctly sounds like kissing and laughing. The cameraman’s hand comes into view as he turns the closet’s knob. The director and Larry are caught in an embrace within the closet. Larry starts to giggle, but the director’s eyes widen in fury. She lunges at the cameraman and the camera falls to the floor on its side. Scuffling can be heard. Director: “I’ll kill you!” Cameraman: “OW! Stop pulling my hair!” Suddenly Larry’s face comes into view, still giggling. He picks up the camera and whirls it around to get a shot of the director and cameraman pulling each other’s hair. The director notices the camera. Director: “LARRY! What are you doing? SHUT THAT OFF!” The director kicks the camera with her foot and it blacks out. ~Outtake Eight~ The cameraman angles in on Bono’s face, his baby blue eyes soft and thoughtful as he sits at a window, looking off into space. Then the cameraman shifts to focus on the door as Larry walks in, puffing out his muscular manly chest. Bono turns to him and his face brightens. Bono: (Standing up and taking a few steps toward him) “Larry…you’re out of jail! Oh, how I’ve mis-Oof!” Bono steps a little too fast toward Larry and runs into the couch unexpectedly, flipping onto it, his tiny feet flying up in the air. Director: (Muttering) “Oh, for crying out loud…” Larry: (To director) (Confused) “Do I keep doing my lines?” Camera shuts off. ~Outtake Nine~ The camera focuses on a pool scene, (Of course, there is no pool, but the side walk that would run along it is there). Bono and Edge are lounging peacefully in beach chairs, both of them wearing swimming trucks and shades. Director: “Okay! Quiet on the set! ACTION!” Edge: “Mmm…I love the pool.” Bono: (Sitting up) “Where’s Laura, the love of my life?” Edge: (Motioning to the pool house a couple feet away) “Changing into her bathing suit.” There is a pause and then the director swears. Director: (Hissing) “Larry, that’s your CUE!” Larry: (Muffled from behind the door of the “pool house”) “I won’t come out!” Director: (Sighs, exhausted) “Why not?” Larry: “Not in this outfit, I’m not!” Director: “Then I don’t have to pay you for all this!” Larry grudgingly comes out, dressed up in a tight hot pink bikini bottom and top. His arms are crossed and he pouting. Edge begins to snicker at how silly a muscular Larry looks in the bikini and then Bono starts to giggle as well. Larry frowns darkly at them. Larry: (Pointing at Bono and Edge) “SEE? THAT’S why I didn’t want to come out!” Edge: “No, no, Larry, er…Laura. You look…uhm…” (Tries to suppress laugh) “You look fab!” Larry starts to wail loudly and Bono stands up, putting an arm around Larry’s wide, powerful shoulders. Bono looks down at Larry’s bikini bottom and grins. Bono: “Aw, Larry…are you happy to see me or is that chapstick in your bikini bottoms?” Edge howls with laughter and Larry begins to cry and runs off the set, into his dressing room. Director: “Nice going guys! Now I have to go in there and talk to him!” Edge: (Snobbily) “Well, from what I heard you guys have been spending a lot of time together anyway, and you guys weren’t TALKING, but doing a little somethin’, somethin’…if you know what I mean…” Bono: (Gleefully) “Oooooooooo! I know what you mean!” Director: “Okay, CUT! Camera OFF!!!” The camera shuts off. ~Outtake Ten~ The camera is focused on the police station set. Larry is dressed up as the hunky police officer, whom is supposed to be working silently behind the desk. Bono is dressed up as a woman. Adam is dressed up as another police officer, and is undoing handcuffs on Bono. Edge suddenly bursts in. Edge: “Stop! If you arrest Bonita, you must arrest me as well for I also had something to do with the murder!” Bono: (examining his nails, a look of pure boredom on his face) “Dave, what are you doing?” Edge: (Full of drama) “I cannot let you sit in jail alone, Bonita, for I love you!” (Sighs, but continues) (Raising finger in the air) “If you suffer, so must I!” Bono: (Sighs and rolls eyes) (Stiffly) “But Dave, they have already decided to let me go.” Edge: (Yelling) “I was just saying it to be with you!” (As Adam comes toward him) “I’m innocent, I tell you, INNOCENT!” (To Larry) “Officer Mullen, tell him I’m innocent!” Larry: (Looks up) “…Oh, um…yeah, see…ah…uh, yeah…well…” (Grabs head) “Oh, man…” Edge: (Infuriated) “You have ONE line that consists of ONE word! How could you forget it???” Director: “CUUUUUUUT!” (Camera turns to director) (Begins sobbing) “Why? WHY MUST I WORK WITH IMBECILES?” Adam: “Hey, you’re not the brightest crayon in the box yourself!” Edge: “YEAH! The question is why do I have to work with you idiots? I’M the brilliant one here!” Bono: (Snorts) “Oh, you wish!” Larry: “Oh, like you’re any better!” Adam: “You can’t talk Mr. I-can’t-remember-my-one-word-line!” Larry: “Shut up, AFRO BOY!” Bono: “You can all kiss my arse!” Edge: “I would if it wasn’t so damn HAIRY!” Adam: “Well, I’ve seen your bum and it ain’t any smoother!” Larry: “Well, we’ve all seen your naughty bits and I don’t personally think you DO have the biggest of the group!” Adam: “Mind your own business, Pretty Boy!” Larry: (Insisting) “Handsome! I’m HANDSOME!” Bono: “Give it up Junior…no one’s as good looking as me!” Edge: “There’s a brilliant delusion!” Director: (Face filling up the camera) “I said CUT!” Camera blacks out. |