~Pride~
Edge is walking along a street by the East Link, trying
to look thoughtful and with purpose. 'Pride' swells in
Dublin's chilly air. Suddenly, Edge trips, landing flat
on his face.
Edge: "Oof!"
Director: (Grumbles) "...Cut."
*
Shot of Larry playing 'Pride'. Song hits its crescendo
and Larry beats it out with extra force. One of his
drumsticks flies out of his hand, soaring through the air
and hitting Bono dead center between the eyes. The camera
cuts back to Larry grinning guiltily.
Larry: "Sorry Bono..."
Bono groans somewhere off camera. Larry's eyes widen
suddenly and he ducks, laughing, as the drumstick comes
flying back at his head.
Director: "BONO! Hey! Alright, CUT!"
~New Year's Day~
Shot of snow-covered hills and mountains surrounding
frozen river. Music starts up and Bono attempts to do his
"war cry".
Bono: "Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh-ACK!" (Coughs
loudly) "We gotta shorten that note...this cold
weather's killing my throat!"
Director: (Sighs) "CUT."
*
Camera shot of Larry standing next to his horse, a look
of distain on his face.
Director: "C'mon, Larry just GET on the damned
horse!"
Larry: (Arms crossed) "No way! Have you SMELLED that
thing?"
The horse grunts and snaps at Larry.
Larry: (Jumps and then makes face at horse) "Forget
it!" (Walks off)
*
Band is standing in snowy field playing along with song.
Suddenly, Adam stops playing, digs into the snowy pile
next to him and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He guzzles
from it contently.
Director: "CUT, CUT! Adam, what the hell do you
think you're doing?"
Adam: (Smiles under his many layers of clothing) "I
have to keep warm, don't I?"
Larry: (Dropping his drumsticks) "Oooooooooo...I
want some!"
Adam: (Defensively) "Not a chance in hell!"
Larry jumps Adam for the bottle and they begin to wrestle
in the snow for it. Bono groans, putting his head in his
hands and Edge walks off mumbling something about
"drummers' IQs..." Larry stands up joyfully,
bottle in hand.
Larry: "Victory is mine!" (He takes a huge gulp
of liquor)
Bono: (Shakes head at Adam) "The Irish always win
when it comes to alcohol, Adam."
Adam: (Sitting up and grabbing his beaten head) "Now
he tells me..."
*
Band is standing in snowy field playing along with song.
Larry is bopping his head back and forth like a member of
the Beatles and Bono scowls.
Bono: "Stop! CUT!" (Turns to Larry) "What
are you doing???"
Larry: (Hiccupping, his words greatly slurred) "I
think I had a little to much alcy-hol..."
Larry collapses into the snow and Bono glowers at Adam.
Adam: (Shrugs) "Don't look at me! I didn't want HIM
to have any..."
~With Or Without You~
Larry is standing next to Edge. Larry hits his
tambourine, looking extremely bored and Edge is already
lost in the chords of 'With Or Without You'. Then out of
the blue, Adam runs through the shot butt naked and
giggling. Larry looks at the camera and shrugs, going
back to his tambourine.
*
Shots of Morleigh's naked body fill the camera shot,
beautifully matched with the whispering quality of 'With
Or Without You'. Suddenly, Larry's head pops into the
shot. He looks at Morleigh and grins childishly.
Larry: "Ooooo, looky, looky! She's nakie!"
Edge: (Off screen) "LARRY! Quit looking at my
eventual girlfriend naked!"
Adam: (Also off screen) "Ooooo, WHERE???"
~I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For~
Edge is playing his guitar in the street, cops driving
past him on motorcycles. One, however, drives a bit too
close to him. Edge's eyes bulge and he screams loudly.
Edge: "MY FOOT! He ran over my God damn foot!"
Director: "Uh-oh...ummm, can we have a medic over
here? MEDIC!"
*
Beginning sequence when U2 is walking out of the alley.
Director: "CUUUUUUT!"
Bono: "What's the problem?"
Director: "Larry, what the hell are those things on
your feet???"
Everyone looks down at Larry's feet. Larry is wearing
hideous leopard-skin loafers, (and yes, he really does
wear these ugly shoes in the video).
Larry: (Innocently) "What?"
~Sunday Bloody Sunday~
Bono's twenty-year-old face, framed by a beautiful
example of a mullet, fills the shot. The sound of a crowd
can be heard.
Bono: "This song is not a rebel song; this song
is...is...err..." (Whispers) "Edge, what song
is this again?"
Director: "Cuuuuuut!"
*
Bono's twenty-year-old face, framed by a beautiful
example of a mullet, fills the shot. The sound of a crowd
can be heard.
Bono: "This song is not a rebel song; this song is
'Sunday Soddy Sunday'!"
Edge: (Hisses in a low voice) "BLOODY, Bono, not
SODDY!"
Bono: "Is it? Well, I like 'soddy' better
anyway..."
Director: (Voice pained) "CUT!"
*
Bono carries the white flag out to the crowd, who help
him hold it up. He does the "No more!" bit and
then moves to take the flag back. It doesn't budge. Bono
frowns and yanks at it, disgruntled that he can't pry the
flagpole from the hands of his fans.
Bono: "H-hey...let go! Let go I say!"
Bono tugs with all his might and this time they let go.
Bono flies backwards, landing on his back with his feet
up in the air. Adam scurries out of the way as the
flagpole nearly hits him in the head.
Director: "Cut! I'm sorry, people, we're gonna have
to do that again..." (Sighs)
*
Edge is halfway through his heart pumping guitar solo. He
steps forward with an "I'm-not-a-guitar-god"
wiggle, not realizing how close to the edge of the stage
he is. He loses his balance and falls off the stage with
a loud screech of feedback. Bono walks over to where Edge
fell off and looks down at him.
Bono: "You think with a nickname like yours, you
would have seen that coming."
Bono dips his head out of the way as Edge's guitar,
broken in two, comes flying at his head.
~Where The Streets Have No Name~
U2 walk over to their instruments on the rooftop. Adam
saunters over to his bass on tiptoes, swaying his hips
seductively and pulling off his shirt as girls scream
below.
Adam: (Sings) "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy
for my shirt...so sexy it HUUUURTS!"
Edge: (Rolls eyes) (To Larry) "This should be an
interesting shoot..."
Larry: (Nods) "Especially since Adam is singing a
song that won't be written for another three
years..."
*
Adam and Larry are looking over the side of the rooftop.
Adam: "I bet I can hock a bigger luggie than you
can!"
Larry: (Offended) "Nuh-uh!"
Adam: "Sure I can, see..." (Clears throat,
ready to spit one)
Bono: (Off camera) "ADAM!"
*
Adam is leaning over the side of the roof, calling to the
police officers below.
Adam: (Presses finger to nose to make "piggy"
face and crosses eyes) "Na, na, nah, boo boo!
Yoooooouuu can't get ME!"
Bono: (Off screen) "Adam, DON'T heckle the
cops!"
*
Larry is holding a deep conversation with a police
officer about his motorcycle as Edge walks up to him and
yanks him away by the arm.
Edge: "Larry! Don't converse with the enemy!"
Larry: (Glances at cop) "The...ENEMY? On a HARLEY?
Are you sure???"
*
Adam grins evilly at the camera, a jug of water in his
hand. He lugs it over to the edge of the roof and
ceremoniously dumps it over the side, great glee
spreading on his face as he hears surprised shouts from
below.
Adam: (Grinning) "Wet piggies...heh, heh..."
Bono suddenly walks into shot and Adam whirls around,
hiding the jug behind his back.
Bono: "Adam, have you seen my jug of water?"
Adam: (Shaking head) "No, sorry."
Bono leaves and Adam snickers.
Adam: (Shifty eyed and rubbing his hands together)
"The perfect crime..."
*
Music starts up as Bono picks up his microphone. Edge
looks over at Bono, eyeing the polka dotted shirt he's
wearing.
Bono: "What?"
Edge: "Are you really gonna wear that for the
video?"
Bono: (Looks at camera) "Uhhhh..."
Director: (Near tears) "CUUUUUUUUUUUUTTT!"
~I Will Follow~
Bono walks out of the dressing room and is pelted by
brushes and combs from somewhere off camera.
Bono: (Blocking face) "Are you trying to tell me
something?"
*
Adam walks out of the dressing room and runs right back
in, slamming the door behind him as pairs of scissors
come flying toward it.
Bono: (Off camera) "I lucked out with the
combs..."
*
Music starts up on white room set. The song gets about 30
seconds through before the director interrupts.
Director: "Cut, hold on...um, Bono...whatcha
doing?"
Bono: "Ummm...that would be dancing."
Director: (Kindly) "Okay...great, good...could you
do me one LITTLE favor?"
Bono: (Nods) "Sure, what?"
Director: "Stop."
*
The band is halfway through the song when Bono looks
behind him and double takes.
Bono: (Frightened) "Edge! There's a RAT on your
head!"
Edge's hands shoot up to his head and the director sighs.
Director: "No, Bono, that's his HAIR."
Edge scowls at Bono and Bono's mouth drops open with
realization.
Bono: "Ohhhhhhh..."
*
Larry is standing shirtless in front of the
"Boy" screen, scowling and wrapping his arms
around his naked torso.
Larry: (To director) "This better be one hell of a
video!" (Pauses) "...This IS for the video
right?"
Director: (Shifty eyed) "Ummm...oh, yeah,
VIDEO...uh, um...of...of COURSE it's for the,
uh...VIDEO..." (Coughs into hand and mumbles
something) "Now, just pose..."
*
Band is playing along to 'I Will Follow', Bono bopping
around happily.
Director: "Okay, now Adam, move around a bit."
Adam: (Stops playing) "No, I don't think I
will."
Director: (Growls) "CUT! WHY NOT?"
Adam: "Because I don't like making music
videos."
Director: "But this is the first one you've ever
made!"
Adam: (Matter-of-factly) "I know and I don't like
it."
Bono steps up on the platform and grabs Adam's shoulder,
waving a finger in his face.
Bono: "Adam, quit being so bloody difficult and
it'll get done faster!"
Director: "He's being a complete ass!"
Adam's head snaps back toward the director to retaliate
and his Afro slaps Bono in the face. Bono falls off the
platform with an "Aaaaaiiiiihhhhhhh!!" Adam
looks down at an angry Bono with a guilty smile.
Adam: "...I'll behave."
~The Unforgettable Fire~
Bono looks at Larry playing on the TV screen and smiles.
Bono: (Giddy) “LOOK, LOOK! Zoo TV!”
Director: (Sighs) “Not for another eight years. Try
this scene again…the RIGHT way, if you don’t
mind?”
*
Edge is walking along the snowy embankment set between
two rows of trees.
Director: “Okay, Edge…kinda look down at your
feet, real thoughtful-like.”
Edge follows instructions, trying to look pensive. Of
course, he’s no longer watching where he’s
going and smacks face first into a tree.
Director: “I said thoughtful, not CLUMSY.”
Edge peels himself off the tree, throwing the director a
hand gesture, which is blurred out.
*
Adam and Larry are descending stairs in a factory. Larry
suddenly trips, falling onto Adam. The two fly down the
stairs. Larry lands on top of Adam and everyone on the
set gaps loudly. Larry slowly sits up on Adam, shaking
his head.
Larry: “I’m fine, I’m fine! Adam’s
fat broke my fall.”
Adam groans loudly.
*
Edge is freezing his cute little non-arse off in a frigid
cold as he walks through a snowy field. Suddenly Larry
races through the shot.
Larry: (Snatching Edge’s hat off) “YOINK!”
Edge tears off after Larry, his arms wrapped around his
naked head.
Director: (Breaks into tears) “CUUUUUUUTTTT!!”
~Sweetest Thing~
The guys of Boyzone are happily lip-syncing along with
Bono to ‘Sweetest Thing’. Suddenly one of the
members slips off the carriage. The carriage rolls over
him with a loud thump. Bono peers over the carriage and
makes a face.
Bono: “Ooooo…better call the plastic
surgeon…”
*
Carriage is pulling under the first banner, which reads
“I’M SOWWIE”.
Director: “CUT! Okay, who’s the moron who
can’t SPELL???”
*
Camera shot swings over to all three non-Bono U2ers
sitting in the back of the car, Adam and Edge strumming
guitars and Larry playing small bongos.
Director: “Great shot…perf - wait a
minute…Larry, who’s driving?”
Larry’s eyes widen and he lunges into the front seat
for the wheel, throwing his bongos in the air. As the
bongos hit Bono in the head, the car crashes into a
building. Adam and Edge go flying out of the shot,
landing with loud crushes off camera.
Director: “Ohhh…Paul McGuiness is gonna have my
ASS for this…”
*
Camera is closing in on Bono’s face, his blue eyes
filled with sorrow, his expression screaming:
“I’m sorry”.
Director: “Okay, camera…closer…little
closer shot there…CLOSER!”
Camera smacks against Bono’s face, the lens
squishing his nose and the glass breaking. Bono gives out
a muffled cry.
Director: “Nice…okay, now a BIT
closer…”
Bono: (In protest) “ARGH!”
*
Camera is closing in on Bono’s face, his blue eyes
filled with sorrow, his expression screaming:
“I’m sorry”. Then Bono’s face spreads
in a grin and he crosses his eyes and sticks out his
tongue.
Director: “BONO! I said GUILTY LOOK! That is NOT a
guilty look…”
Ali: (Off camera) “Actually, for Bono, it
is…”
*
Camera focuses closely on the Irish Chippendales as they
bump and grind against the fire truck and hoses.
Suddenly, Bono head pops back in the shot.
Bono: “Okay, I know I don’t look like them, but
can we at least PRETEND I have something to do with this
video??”
*
Song starts up. Before Bono can even get to the chorus,
Ali’s hand reaches into shot, rubbing his cheek.
Ali: “You’ve got some smut on your cheek,
dear…oh, sorry, that’s a freckle.”
Bono rolls his eyes and the director sighs loudly.
Director: “Cut.”
*
Camera angles up to get the shot of the plane making the
heart-shaped cloud. Suddenly, the plane sputters and
explodes. A man jumps out of it safely, a parachute
billowing behind him. Bono stares at it slack jawed and
then turns back to the camera.
Bono: “…I hope that’s not an omen to how
this single will do…”
*
Camera shot is on River Dancers, and then swings back to
the carriage as the rest of U2 clamber on it.
Director: “Hey, where’s Larry?”
Camera swings back to the River Dancers to show Larry,
dressed in the dark tights, head band about his head,
frolicking happily, toes pointed, along with the dancers.
Director: “Larry! Get back here!”
Bono: (Holding up a camera and focusing it as Adam and
Edge snicker behind him) “No, no! Go ahead
Larry…Dance your gorgeous - and soon to be exploited
- head off…these’ll look GREAT in the Daily
Mirror…”
~Desire~
Larry is standing alone on a downtown Los Angeles street.
Director: (Whispers with Bono) (Laughs then turns to
Larry, still sniggering) “Okay, Larry…just
stand under that sign there so I can get the
shot…heh, heh…”
Larry moves under a theatre sign, then looks up at it and
scowls darkly to see that it reads: “Hot
Blondes”.
Larry: (Stomps off) “VERY FUNNY!”
*
Bono is doing the slow motion bit of the video. Adam
pokes his head in the shot and giggles.
Adam: (Motioning to Bono’s torso) “Jiggle,
jiggle!”
Bono stops in his tracks and glowers at Adam.
Bono: (Crossing arms over his chest) “SHUT UP!”
Larry’s head then pops in the screen and his makes a
face at Bono.
Larry: “God, Bono, look at that chest hair! Get some
freaking NADS for God’s sake!”
Adam: “Larry, we don’t have NADS yet. It’s
only 1988.”
Larry: “Oh, yeah…”
Bono: (Annoyed that Adam and Larry are in his shot)
“At least I can grow some pretty boy!”
Larry: (Face scrunches up as tears fill his eyes)
“I’m telling Edge you said that to me!”
(Wails and runs off)
*
Camera shows Larry admiring himself in a full-length
mirror. Larry turns to camera and nods.
Larry: “Look at this!” (Spins around) “I
am the ONLY man to ever make red suspenders look
sexy…I’m mean JUST LOOK AT ME! I’m a babe
magnet…! I’m too freaking gorgeous for my own
good!”
Director: “That’s lovely Larry. Now can we
please MAKE THE VIDEO?”
Larry: (Goes back to admiring himself in the mirror)
“IN A MINUTE…”
~Even Better Than The Real Thing~
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