Disclaimer:
This interview never happened. This is another example of
stupid mindless humor at the expense of the members of
U2. However, I do, in fact, OWN U2. At least one fourth
of it, as Larry is shoved in my closet right now for easy
use. Don't worry. He has food pellets and one of those
whirly circle things to run in to keep entertained. (It's
a big closet) On with the show...
Each member of U2
was given the same interview at different times to see
his initial reactions without the other three present.
These are the results.
Q: What do you want more than anything?
Bono: A pool shaped like my head!
Edge: A man can always use a new beanie.
Adam: Well, I'm definitely NOT saying Naomi Campbell this
time...
Larry: I want a wawwy pop.
Q: Who was the last person you called?
Bono: Well, I shouted to Edge from the other room a
moment ago...
Edge: I called "Beanies R Us" to see if they
had my size and color.
Adam: I called Sebastian, my younger brother, to make
sure he hadn't snuck in my house and stolen anything from
my spoon collection, as he's prone to do.
Larry: I called Bono's body gaurd coz no one could find
Bono. Turned out he couldn't find Bono either. I don't
even think Bono knows where Bono is half the time.
Q: What scares you most?
Bono: Adam's growing obsession with spoons is getting a
bit frightening...
Edge: Bono.
Adam: Interviews.
Larry: (Whimpers) Photographers!
Q: What's your favorite U2 song?
Bono: "With Or Without You". It's the only time
I'll ever be able to roll around on the floor with
another woman without Ali beating me about the head with
a purse.
Edge: "Discotheque" because I got to dress up
in that cool biker dude garb!
Adam: "New Years Day" coz without me the song
would be shit.
Larry: Anything that has minimal singing from Bono.
Q: When was the last time you cried?
Bono: Last time Adam had gas, tears came to my eyes. It's
a very painful thing, let me tell you...
Edge: Well, yesterday I stubbed my toe and it was so
painful that my eyes watered. Does that count?
Adam: The last time I got in a car with Bono.
Larry: Adam hit me really hard a minute ago and I started
to cry so he'd get yelled at by Edge. (Grins and sings
happily) I got Adam in trouuuuuuuble!
Q: What's the best thing that ever happened to you?
Bono: Ali coz she let the Catholic side of me come out,
if you know what I mean...four kids, HINT, HINT!
Edge: When I realized the wonders of a
beanie...(Sniffles) It was a beautiful thing...
Adam: Well, I got this spoon in Springfield once...
Larry: One time, when I was a weally good boy, Bono
bought me an ice cream cone!
Q: What was your biggest mistake?
Bono: (Coughs and mumbles) ...U2...
Edge: Telling Bono those shades looked cool.
Adam: Telling Bono he could be lead singer.
Larry: I started U2 and you're asking me this???
Q: What are you most comfortable in?
Bono: Edge's bed...hey, I was only kidding! DON'T WRITE
THAT!
Edge: Cowboy hats, baseball hats and durbys are all fine
and good, but give me a good beanie any day of the week
and I'm a happy guitar God.
Adam: I would be most comfortable in a pool filled with
supermodels, cigarettes and spoons...wait, put the
cigarettes in my pocket so they don't get soggy.
Larry: Anything that shows off my beautifully muscular
body!
Q: Do you feel you'd be happier or more comfortable as
the opposite sex?
Bono: I'm a mess as a man, what makes you think I'd make
a good woman? At any rate, when we did the 'One' video, I
looked like Barbara Bush, so that's a no.
Edge: I thought I looked pretty hot as a woman, so I'm
not sure.
Adam: Oh, c'mon! You know how much I love those
sarongs...
Larry: NO. I'm the macho masculine man of the group and
if I don't take that role no one will...if you ask me,
Edge and Bono love each other a LITTLE too much, so I
have to be really macho to make up for it.
Q: What is the worse trait of the other three members?
Bono: Ohhhhh...this question's fun! Hmmm...Edge wastes a
lot of laundry detergent on his hats, which really gets
on my nerves and his feet have this HORRIBLE smell...Adam
is always shooting rubberbands at my head. Larry cries at
every little thing and he always gets all the attention
from the girls coz he's so damn PRETTY.
Edge: If I have to name one bad trait about Bono it'd be
his driving...the only time I ever felt my life was in
danger was whenever Bono was behind the wheel. Adam
forgets about the rest of us the minute a hot chick walks
in the room. And Larry always has all the girls all over
him. (Sadly) We should have gotten a Ringo...
Adam: (Laughs) Are you kidding? Where do I start?
Larry: Adam is NEVER nice to me! He always teases me
about how I'm the baby and all that bullcrap. Bono is
always yelling at me. He says I cry too much. Edge pisses
me of coz he's always taking off his shoes...that's a
smell you never want to meet. And they all call me PRETTY
when a man should be called HANDSOME dammit!
Q: How have you guys managed to make it this long?
Bono: We're gay.
Edge: Fear of our manager.
Adam: We love each other a lot...if you know what I mean.
Larry: We don't have anywhere else to go.
Q: What is the best quality of the other three members?
Bono: Well...no, I can't think of any...can you get back
to me on that one?
Edge: (Laughs loudly then stops with a blank face) Oh,
you're SERIOUS...
Adam: The best thing about Bono is his wife. She's way
cooler than he is. The best thing about Edge is that look
he gets on his face if you pinch his arse. The best thing
about Larry is if you take him out with you it's kinda
like having a cute puppy...the girls look at him and say
'oh, how cute!' and then look at you and think you're
sweet for having something so adorable with you.
Larry: Edge makes a mean pancake. Bono has a cool dog and
Adam can do this thing where he pulls his leg up by his
head and hops around barking...he only does it after a
few drinks though.
Q: What do you do to relax?
Bono: Remind myself how great I am and that when I'm done
relaxing there's gonna be hundreds of people sitting
outside my house who will love me! LOVE ME!
Edge: Get away from Bono.
Adam: Count my spoons!
Larry: Fix my hair.
Q: What do want to say to anyone who might read this
before we wrap up the interview?
Bono: Remember...I'm better than you.
Edge: Get me out of here. PLEASE.
Adam: One spoon is worth a million forks.
Larry: Split ends is a very serious condition and should
be treated immediately. Don't mess around with split
ends!
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