Take
my hand
You know I need it
To be strong
To understand
Bono
glowered down at the piece of paper and shook his head
angrily, decisively.
Not right…I can’t get into this. I can hear
the music in my head, but the lyrics…nothing.
Bono layed down on his side across the bed, crumpling the
page of lyrics into a ball with a heavy sigh. He knew if
he could just get lyrics, he could make a great song. But
whoever his muse might be, they hadn’t been doing
their job lately, at least not well in Bono’s
opinion. Where was he going to get inspiration suitable
to the piece he heard in his head? He needed dramatic,
emotional lyrics. The most dramatic thing around lately
was the blond streaks in his hair.
Where the hell can I find inspiration for a song like
this?
Bono’s head snapped up as the slamming of the hotel
room’s door startled him. He sat up and squinted at
what he assumed was Larry, the blue and black blur racing
into the bathroom and slamming that door shut even harder
than the other door. Bono frowned at the sound of the
bathroom lock clicking.
…What was that all about?
“Larry?” Bono called to no response.
Bono’s frown deepened. He got up off his bed,
unceremoniously walking right over Larry’s bed, and
knocking on the bathroom door.
“Larry? Are you okay?”
Nothing.
Bono pounded on the door again, harder, “Larry? Are
you sick or something?”
“Bono, please just leave me alone.”
Bono froze, “Why? Larry, what’s wrong?”
“Are you hard of hearing or just dumb? I said leave
me be!”
Bono scowled at the door, “What the hell is your
problem?”
Once again Bono’s question was answered by silence.
Bono sighed. He’d better get out of the room before
it exploded from the inside with tension…or worse,
fighting. He walked over to the night table separating
his bed from Larry’s and picked his keys and a book
up off it. He shoved his keys in his pocket and moved for
the door out.
Then he paused at the bathroom door, his breath stuck in
his throat as he strained to listen.
Did I hear…?
Bono bit his lip at the soft, muffled sounds of crying
coming from the other side of the door. Bono had to
struggle with himself not to knock, not to yell to
him…not to break the bloody door down…
Leave him be, Paul…
He started to count back from ten in his mind, trying to
calm down, see clearly. Larry crying…something was
wrong. Bono…what could he do? He had to do
something. He cared about Larry too much to just LEAVE
him there…
Let him alone…ten, nine - but he’s crying -
eight, seven, six - Larry hardly ever cries - five - last
time was when his mother died and that was 1978, almost
four years ago…four, three - he’s a big boy,
Paul…if he wishes to be alone, you should
leave…now GO…two…one.
Bono spun on his heels and left the cramped hotel room he
and Larry shared with a sense of distress and urgency,
knowing if he stuck around a minute longer he and Larry
would fight. Bono sighed, closing the door behind him
quietly.
~
“Bono?”
Bono looked up at Edge’s cheerful face and he
smiled. Edge sat down next to him on the couch.
“What are you reading?”
“Some awful romance novel I bought in the gift
shop,” Bono said, disgruntled, “I know I
shouldn’t be enjoying it, but…”
Edge laughed, “No, probably not…what on Earth
are you reading down here in the lobby for?”
“Good question,” Bono sighed, “Go ask Mr.
Anti-Social up there in my room.”
“Larry? Why, what happened? Did you guys have a
fight?” Edge’s brow furrowed.
“No…I don’t know what’s wrong. He
stormed in, locked himself in the bathroom and screamed
for me to leave him alone when I asked what his trouble
was,” Bono grumbled, folding back a page’s
corner in his book so as not to loose his place.
Edge’s face went blank a moment as he settled deep
into thought, obviously trying to painstakingly remember
something. Bono chuckled at Edge’s face.
You can almost SEE the gears working…
Then Edge’s face lit up with remembrance and he
nodded.
“You know, I heard him and Adam having a little tiff
in the hallway earlier…about ten minutes ago.”
Bono rolled his expressive blue eyes, “Why the hell
didn’t you say so sooner?”
Edge shrugged, “ I couldn’t remember. Besides,
Adam didn’t seem very upset by it, just a bit
miffed. I didn’t think it was real serious.”
“Do you know what the row was about?”
“Sort of. I think Adam lost a book Larry loaned him.
Adam apologized, said he’d pay for it and Larry
exploded, telling him he needed to learn some “damn
responsibility”, if I recall correctly,” Edge
replied.
“Yeah, that sounds like something an angry Larry
would say,” Bono nodded, “But over a book?
Something else must be bugging him for him to go off on
someone like that for something as pointless as that.
Especially Adam. They usually get along so well.”
“Hmm…I know he won’t like it, but you
should probably go talk to him,” Edge said, standing
up, “It’s getting late. I’ll walk up with
you if you go now.”
Bono looked down at his watch. Close to eleven
o’clock. He was tired; he knew that much, and he
couldn’t sleep down in the lobby. He’d have to
go back up to the room eventually.
“I’m not looking forward to any chat with
him…I know Larry the best…he’s gonna blow
up on me,” Bono complained as he got up and followed
Edge to the elevator.
“Bono…why did you decide to share a room with
him while we tour?” Edge asked as they got into the
elevator, his face portraying that he was not asking this
because he didn’t know, but was asking because he
was about to prove a point of some kind.
“Because he’s a bit scared of being out here on
the road alone,” Bono said simply.
Edge nodded, “To watch over him. So maybe, if you
feel you’re the person to do that and he obviously
wants you to, or he wouldn’t share a room with you,
coz let’s face it, you and me don’t fight
nearly as much as you and Larry do, then maybe
that’s what you ought to do.”
“I don’t catch your drift,” Bono frowned.
“If you’re sharing a room with him to be there
for him when he’s scared…and he’s possibly
scared NOW…be there for him. Don’t act the part
and not pull through,” Edge said flat out as the
elevator opened.
Bono paused a moment then sighed, “You’re
right. I have to talk to him. Night, Edge.”
“Night, Bono,” Edge waved walking past Bono and
Larry’s room to his and Adam’s farther down the
hall.
Bono stared at the closed door a second, breathing
deeply. He hated fights…Larry was in a bad
mood…fighting mood…
Just get your frightened arse in there. He’s
your friend, not an unpredictable or dangerous exotic
creature…
Bono made a face.
Then again, maybe he is…
Bono shook his head, pulling his key out and unlocking
the door.
Don’t be a baby…before you could hardly
keep yourself from opening your big mouth to him…
~
Bono pulled
the door open and peered into the darkness of the room.
Larry must have gone to bed. Bono closed the door behind
him and walked through the darkness, trying to get to his
bed while his eyes adjusted.
Well, maybe we can talk tomorrow…
“Ow!” Bono yelped as he smacked his shin into a
chair.
…SHIT.
“Bono?” a whisper came from Larry’s
direction.
God DAMMIT…
“Go back to sleep, Larry.”
“Bono? Bono…where the fuck are you?”
“I’m right…” Bono felt around him,
“…I haven’t the slightest where I am. This
room is small, how could I possibly get lost?”
“It’s dark. Here…”
Bono moaned as Larry turned on the dim lamp on the
nightstand. His eyes had just gotten used to the dark and
now all that light! He limped over to his bed, shin still
sore, and pulled off his shoes. He looked over at Larry,
who was sitting up and watching him intently with a blank
face.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Larry shrugged, looking away.
Bono frowned, but decided not to say anything, crawling
under his blankets.
“You can turn the light off now.”
Larry nodded and reached over, clicking the light off.
The room plunged back into odd, empty darkness and Bono
tried to dig himself as deep into his blankets as he
could, try to forget there was someone else in the room
with him.
But that soon proved useless. He was pretty much
accustomed to falling asleep to the sound of Larry
breathing…he couldn’t fall asleep without it
now. Bono pulled his head out from under the pillow and
was surprised to hear that Larry wasn’t making the
deep, heavy breaths he made in sleep.
“Larry?”
“What?”
“Go to sleep.”
“I’m trying.”
I’m going to regret this…
“…What’s wrong?”
“I had a row with Adam.”
“Over a silly book, I heard.”
“I know…I just snapped, I guess. I didn’t
mean to…I’ve just…”
“…What?”
“We’ve been under a lot of stress lately
and…I don’t know. Everything seems
harder.”
Bono looked over in Larry’s direction, just barely
making out Larry propped up in his bed by pillows, his
legs pulled up against his bare chest. Bono dug himself
out a bit more from the blankets.
“Yeah, I guess it does…what do you mean
you’re under a lot of stress? Pressure, you
mean?”
“Yeah, pressure.”
Bono sat up, “From who? Us?”
“…A little.”
“Larry-”
“A lot.”
“Thank you…you don’t have to lie to me.
How are we pressuring you?”
“I can’t explain it…I mean, it’s like
you guys have expectations for me.”
“To play better?”
“No.”
“How then?”
Larry stared back at Bono and sighed, “It’s a
lot of work holding this band together. And I’m
doing it all alone. It’s what you expect of me, all
three of you. To be the glue in the band.”
“…Are we making it hard for you?”
“Sometimes.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it better?”
“…Don’t depend on me. I’m not strong
enough to hold myself up nevertheless anyone else,”
Larry mumbled, folding his arms across his pulled up
knees and digging his face into them.
“Larry, when you need to talk about anything, just
to get it off your chest, you should have known you could
talk to me. Why do you think I’m sharing a room with
you?” Bono said logically.
“Well, that wasn’t the only reason for a
while…” Larry muttered into his arms and Bono
froze, “…Yeah, I know that. But originally,
before we…did that…the reason was to be there
for you coz I know this is hard for you. That reason
still exists.”
Larry lifted his head up, “Remember during the last
tour?”
“Of course…” Bono smiled slightly,
“How could I forget?”
Larry laughed tensely, “Yeah…”
“Do you think Edge and Adam ever figured it
out?”
“Figured what out?” Larry asked, zoning in and
out of the conversation.
“You know…about us.”
“I think Edge had an idea, but I don’t think
Adam knew,” Larry said in a low voice, closing his
eyes as he tucked his legs closer to himself.
“…Why did we stop again?”
“Because…we…” Larry paused and then
chuckled, “I don’t remember. Something about
protecting the band.”
“Oh, right,” Bono nodded, unable to pull his
eyes away from Larry, “…Do you ever miss that?
I mean, not even so much the…sex, but…you
know.”
“Sharing a bed? Waking up to you right there?
Someone right next to me? Falling asleep with you right
there if I need you…?” Larry asked quietly,
“…Every minute of my life I miss it.”
“…I loved you Larry,” Bono spit out before
he could stop himself.
“I know you did,” Larry said, “It was
love, for both of us.”
Paul David Hewson, don’t you DARE do what
you’re about to do…you’re making a big
mistake…Oh, here I go…I’m such a BIG
MOUTH…
“Sometimes I think I…still do.”
Larry didn’t reply, a stiff and awkward silence
filling the room. Bono cursed himself inwardly for
admitting that to him up front. Larry sat up straight and
stared over at him.
“Bono…” Larry stopped himself,
“No…PAUL…come here.”
“What?”
“Paul, come here.”
“…Why?”
“You wanna ask questions?”
Bono wasn’t sure if he did, but he climbed out of
bed and walked over to Larry’s bed, standing in
front of it uncomfortably as Larry looked up at him.
“Are you gonna always be there for me? Even if the
band breaks up someday?”
“Of course,” Bono nodded, confused, “When
have I not been there for you?”
“I know, I know…” Larry looked down at his
hands, “I’m just…I have a hard time
trusting people, you know that…and it
really…stung when we called ‘it’
quits.”
“I thought you wanted to,” Bono said,
surprised, sitting down next to Larry on his bed.
“Only coz you seemed like you wanted to and…I
just want you to be happy, even if it isn’t with
me,” Larry replied, “There’s something in
the band…my friendship with you three that no matter
how well everything is…we’re hurting coz we
care about each other so much. Now, don’t get me
wrong, it’s worth it, but it’s also a kinda of
personal hell and…I guess you helped me to forget it
sometimes…maybe you took the burden on your back for
me sometimes, I don’t know, but whatever you did was
selfless and for me. I don’t think I can do this
without you…”
I can’t believe he’s saying this…does
he…want me BACK? Is that what he’s getting to?
God, if it is…what am I gonna do? I don’t think
I can say no…hell; I don’t WANT to say no…
“Larry…do you want to…?”
“I don’t know…God, I don’t
know,” Larry said, desperation in his voice.
“Don’t get scared, I’m here for you.”
Bono put an arm around his shoulders, rubbing his arm,
trying to comfort him. Larry looked at him, their eyes
meeting and Bono’s stomach sank. He’d forgotten
how good Larry felt…
Larry leaned forward and brushed his lips across
Bono’s. Bono’s lips tingled from the contact
and he did all he could to hold in a yearning groan.
“Don’t tease me…” Bono muttered,
pulling away.
Larry’s mouth dropped open a bit, “I…I
wasn’t.”
Bono looked over at him again and a sly sideways smile
crept to Larry’s lips. That was the smile that had
attracted Bono to him. That charming,
I-get-what-I-want-and-you-know-you-love-me smile…
Damn that bleeding smile.
Larry kissed him again, harder this time and Bono did not
pull away, instead inching closer to Larry.
Not again…remember all the troubles and fights
last time? Woo-boy, I’m an idiot for that smile,
those eyes…that pout, that look…that withering
look he always gives me like he’s exhausted with me
but will never let me go despite it.
“I’ve been drowning in self pity,” Larry
whispered after their kiss.
Bono took Larry’s hand in his own, “Not
again…I’ll watch out for you.”
“Thanks, mum,” Larry laughed halfheartedly.
Suddenly an idea struck Bono and he got up, letting go of
Larry’s hand. He began to walk toward their bags in
the darkness, stumbling over his shoes and swearing
softly.
“Bono, what are you doing?”
“Stay right there…right there…oh, yeah, I
got it in my mind, it’s coming…”
“WHAT’S coming?”
Bono found what he was looking for and lugged it over
with him back to Larry’s bed. Larry raised an
eyebrow at the guitar as Bono threw the strap over his
head.
“Don’t laugh at my playing.”
“That’s pretty hard,” Larry joked.
“I know, but try…I think I’ve got some
lyrics for a song I have,” Bono plucked at the
guitar to get the feel of it.
He began to play the guitar part as he imagined it. Of
course, Edge would do a cleaner more climatic version
later, exactly as Bono really did hear it in his head,
(Edge always managed to), but Bono handled it well
enough. Larry nodded slowly. Then Bono began to sing:
Drowning man
You know I’ll be there if you can
I’ll cross the sky for your love
For I have promised
For to be with you tonight
And the time that will come
Drowning man
You know I’ll be there
If you can
I’ll cross the sky for your love
And I understand
These winds and tides
This change of times
Won’t drag you away
Larry’s face softened and he smiled slightly in awe
as Bono belted out the chorus:
Hold on
Hold on tightly
Hold on
Don’t let go of my love
The storm will pass
It won’t be long now
This love will last
This love will last forever
Bono cut it off, unfinished, but pretty close to
completed. He paused, surprised at himself and how much
he’d just written in one take. He turned to Larry
with a bewildered smile.
“My muse,” Bono whispered and Larry raised an
eyebrow again, “Me?”
“Looks that way…what did you think?” Bono
questioned.
Larry sighed, “It was beautiful…thank
you.”
“I was thinking of you when I did that
line…well, most of those lines,” Bono laughed
nervously.
“One suggestion,” Larry leaned back, “Not
Drowning Man.”
“Why not?”
“…What are you gonna say when people ask you
who you wrote it about? It’s obviously a love song
and…it’s obviously to a man coz you say:
“drowning man”. I like it, but…you
know.”
Bono thought that over a minute and began to strum out
the song again:
Take my hand
You know I’ll be there
If you can
I’ll cross the sky for your love…
Bono looked at Larry for approval and Larry simply leaned
forward and kissed him. Bono returned the kiss with
fervor, pushing the guitar behind his back and pulling
Larry close. Larry ended the kiss, clutching Bono’s
hand in his own. Larry smirked mischievously.
“…But we’ll call it ‘Drowning
Man’.”
*~*~*~*
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