Adventure
Eight:
“Larry’s A Mommy!”
Scene
One
Setting:
[Tunnels leading from The Temple of the Light] The boys
are walking along quietly and swiftly. The flame floating
in Larry’s palm casts a mysterious light over his
handsome features. Edge squints through the light, trying
to draw a small map of the area on his hand so they
can’t get lost. Bono looks apprehensive, and is
hanging behind a much stronger Larry, hoping for
protection from anything they might encounter. He guzzles
from a bottle of water and hands it to Larry. Larry
drinks from it then looks at with a frown.
Larry: “Bono, where’d you get this from? We
went back and dropped off our stuff before we even went
to the Art Institute.”
Bono: (Shrugs) “When you’re God, you don’t
need a backpack.”
Larry’s brow furrows for a moment, and then he also
shrugs, taking another drink.
They continue down the dimly lit tunnel of dusty, cracked
stone with its faded paintings and primordial carvings.
Suddenly, the tunnel turns into steps, spiraling
downward. Larry glances around the corner of the steps
and scowls at complete darkness. He can only properly see
six steps further. Then there is darkness. He turns back
to the others, looking grim.
Larry: “I can’t see any farther down here, but
there’s steps…they probably lead
somewhere.”
Bono: “I should think they didn’t build stairs
to lead no where.”
Edge: “Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised.
It’s a great way to fool intruders.”
Bono: “We’re not intruders, we’re
just…uhm…trespassers.”
Edge: “Bono, they’re the same thing.”
Bono: “Yes, but intruder sounds so NASTY.”
(Smiling perkily) “Trespasser is much more
pleasant.”
Larry: (Ignoring Bono) “I’m pretty sure they
lead somewhere. We can backtrack a little and take that
other tunnel that branched off to the west, or we can go
down these steps and continue northeast.”
Bono: “Well, I don’t like the creaking and
clicking noises we heard down that other tunnel. I say we
take the steps.”
Edge: “Do you want to go first?”
Bono: “Not really.”
Edge: “Well, neither do I!”
Bono and Edge stare at Larry and Larry sighs, his
shoulders slumping.
Larry: “Fine! I’ll go first.”
Larry takes a deep breath and starts down the steps, Edge
close behind and Bono walking backwards to avoid
something sneaking up behind them. Larry makes his flame
larger, to try and spread the light farther, and a couple
more steps materialize before him. Then Larry suddenly
stops, causing Bono to bash into Edge and Edge to bash
back into Larry. Larry scowls quietly, and then looks
forward, holding his breath. He could swear he heard
something…
Nothing surfaces and Larry shakes his head, assuming
he’s now hearing things. He motions Edge and Bono to
continue to follow him and they descend the rest of the
steps. Larry leans in, and his light displays stone
altars and a golden chair upon a platform. The place is
cluttered and dusty. He turns back to the others, then
gasps at Edge and takes a step back.
Larry: “AHHHHH!”
Edge: (Looking around him frantically and unaware that
Larry had accidentally set his beanie on fire a few
moments earlier) “What? What?”
Bono: (Looking up and gaping at Edge’s head)
“Egads!”
Edge: “Hey, it’s hot in here…” (Looks
up as best he can at his head and screams at the top of
his lungs) “Oh, GOD! Put it out! Put it out!”
Larry: (Unable to do anything) “Where’s Adam
when you need him???”
Bono: “I think I got it!” (Splashes Edge’s
wool hat with the water from his bottle) “There,
see!”
Edge, miserable and dripping, moves to pull off his
beanie, and then looks at an apprehensive Larry and Bono.
He scowls and readjusts his wool cap.
Edge: “Forget it, not in front of you too!”
Bono: “Ah, c’mon Edge! We haven’t seen the
top of your head in four years! Let us see the
damage.”
Edge: “My head is fine, I didn’t get
burned.”
Bono: “I was talking about the hair loss, not the
fire…”
Larry gives Bono a stern look and Bono’s mouth snaps
shut.
Larry: “Sorry, Edge. I didn’t mean to.”
Edge: (Reluctantly) “It’s okay…”
Larry: (Nodding) “Okay, now guys…stay here.
I’m going to look around. Don’t move,
alright?”
Bono and Edge nod, Edge’s face stone-like and
serious while Bono’s looks wide-eyed and very
nervous.
Larry walks slowly into the room, his flame held up high.
He scans the room again, closer this time. He turns back
to the others.
Larry: “I think it’s oka-”
Suddenly a thick slab of stone slides down between where
Bono and Edge stand in the stair foyer and where Larry
stands within the tomb-like room. Larry gapes a quick
second before racing forward, pounding on the slab.
It’s so thick Larry can’t hear Edge and Bono
yelling and pounding on the other side. Larry attempts to
lift the stone slab up. It only moves an inch, but is
enough for Larry to talk to Edge and Bono.
Larry: (Leaning toward the open slit by the floor)
“You guys okay?”
Bono: (Laying down on the floor and his blue eyes
appearing in the slit) “We’re fine, but we
can’t get you out. Lift up the door some more and
get back over here.”
Larry: “I can’t lift it anymore. I’m
straining as it is.”
Edge: (In denial) “No, Larry…you…you have
to get out!”
Larry puts down the slab with a heave of breath and looks
at his watch. 6:14 PM. He lifts up the slab again, but
can’t come close to lifting it as much as the first
time. His arms are already beginning to ache.
Larry: “This place is really confusing and probably
quite big. You’re going to have to-”
Bono: (Frantically as if he’d just figured it out)
“Larry, we CAN’T get you out!”
Larry: “I know, dammit, just LISTEN! You only have
less than six hours and like I said this place is
confusing and big…you gotta go get the lemon.
I’ll figure a way out and even if I don’t you
can come back with the lemon and blast me out with the
disco lasers.”
Edge: (Unhappily) “I don’t really like leaving
you here, Larry…”
Larry: (Getting annoyed and breathing heavily under the
weight of the stone slab) “I know, but you have to
save Adam…I’ll be fine in here. Nothing’s
going to get me through this slab of stone. Go get the
lemon and then you can come back for me.”
Bono and Edge are silent a moment and finally Bono speaks
up.
Bono: “We’ll come right back for
you…okay?”
Larry: “Okay, good luck.”
Edge: “Larry?”
Larry: “Yeah?”
Edge: “We love ya, man.”
Larry: “Don’t say that! What’s the matter
with you! Are you TRYING to get me killed?”
Edge: “What do you mean?”
Larry: “Haven’t you ever watched a horror or
adventure flick? You say that to someone and they die!
Now GO!”
Bono: “Bye, Larry…we’ll be back, I
promise!”
Larry: (Dropping the slab) (To himself) “I know ya
will…”
Larry stares at the wall a moment, worried.
Larry: “Now, what am I gonna do?”
Larry then notices something on the slab. A hole, shaped
like an animal’s head. He can’t pinpoint what
animal exactly, but it looks kinda like a resting place
for a key of some kind. Larry stops. A KEY!
He smiles hopefully, but his smile slowly sinks as a
growl sounds softly behind him. He turns around, but sees
nothing. The sound dissipates, but he knows he
didn’t imagine it. He walks to the middle of the
room as something comes over him. Something deep inside
him he’d never really felt or found necessary to use
before. An animal instinct, telling him the last thing he
wants to hear. He can feel the thought growing
deep inside his gut like a heavy rock. No, Larry
realizes. It’s not a thought, but the truth.
Another soft growl comes quietly to Larry’s ears and
then fades. Something in the room…Larry frowns,
knowing his situation.
He’s being hunted.
~Bono
and Edge~
Bono
and Edge lumber up the stairs in darkness. Every once in
a while Edge makes a small crack of lightening, briefly
lighting the way. Then Edge attempts to make a lightening
ball in his hands and is thrilled when he finds out it
works. The way is lighted completely as they reach the
other tunnel from which they had heard uncomforting
sounds. Bono walks ahead into the tunnel, trying to be
brave in Larry’s place.
Bono: “Let’s just do this…no time to be
scared, right?”
Edge: (Looking over Bono shoulder toward the darkness of
the tunnel) “Uhm, right.”
Bono: (Looking back at Edge, his face scrunched up in
tears) “I’m scared!”
Edge: (Quickly) “Me too!”
Bono: “Larry’s the brave one, not us!”
Edge: “Exactly!”
Bono: “I shouldn’t have to face the dangers of
a tomb!”
Edge: “Precisely!”
Bono: (Dragging Edge ahead of him) “Glad you agree,
then YOU can go first.”
Edge: (Crawling past Bono, his lightening ball going out
in the process) “I think not!”
Bono: (As they are plunged into darkness) “Edge,
don’t be such a baby!”
Edge: “After Larry, I AM the baby!”
Bono: “Doesn’t mean you have to act
like it.”
Edge: “That’s cute coming from the guy who
cries every time Sesame Street ends!”
Bono: “Okay, okay…we don’t have time to
fight…we…we…have to…do this. So we
can…save poor Adam.”
Edge: (Starting his lightening ball back up)
“You’re right…I’ll go first.”
Bono: (To be polite) “Oh, you don’t have
to…”
Edge: (Jumping behind Bono) “Okay!”
Bono: (Scowling) “Guitar God my arse…”
Edge: (Angrily) “What???”
Bono: “Oh, nothing…”
Bono walks forward then stops.
Bono: “You hear that noise? A back and forth kinda
thing?”
Edge: “Sounds like something swinging back and forth
in the air.”
Bono: (Nodding) “That’s what I
thought…keep your magic ready.”
Bono continues to walk forward, turning his head to talk
to Edge as he walks.
Bono: “Looks all clear up ahead, I don’t
think-”
Edge’s face contorts in fear and he yanks Bono back
just before a large swinging ax swipes by the place Bono
used to stand. Bono glances at the spot with alarm.
Bono: (Shrugging, shock still on his face) “Alright,
so I lied…it’s not clear at all.”
Edge is looking at one of the walls curiously and points
at a certain carving.
Edge: “I’m glad I can read several ancient
writings now that my intelligence has been improved even
more from what it originally was by my powers…it
says here that the ax will stop once it hits one
thing.”
Bono: “And what’s that?”
Edge: “Anything I guess…it can only cause
damage once, it seems.”
Bono: “Well, what do we have that it can hit?”
Edge eyes Bono’s shades dangling off his shirt
pocket and Bono scowls.
Bono: “Forget it, not my shades. These babies are my
life!”
Edge: “Well, what then?”
Bono: “Well, how about…” (Pulls a two foot
long stick out of his back pocket) “This?”
Edge: “How the hell did you do that?”
Bono: “Ask Mandi, she wrote this.”
Edge: “Oh, now she’s just writing shit!”
Suddenly the ax turns diagonally and makes a swipe at
Edge. Edge ducks and looks up.
Edge: “Okay, okay! I didn’t mean it, SORRY…”
Bono laughs, holding the stick out to the ax. As soon as
the ax hits the stick, it freezes. Bono and Edge move
past it harmlessly, Edge checking his head to make sure
he hadn’t lost any precious [scorched] hairs in his
encounter with the ax.
Bono: “I told Adam and I’ll tell you…watch
what you say…Larry’s her favorite, not
you.”
Edge: “Bah! Larry’s everyone’s
favorite!”
The stone tunnel shakes warningly and Edge backtracks.
Edge: (Quickly) “Because he’s such a good
looking, nice guy!”
The shaking stops. Edge lets out a sigh and they continue
on. They come to an open space in the tunnel floor. Edge
looks down it to see large metal spikes sticking up at
them. Bono whistles.
Edge: “We have to get over without getting
impaled.”
Bono: “And how do we manage that?”
Edge: (Looking at the walls) “Lemme look
around.”
Edge studies a wall full of script as Bono looks down
into the spike pit and gulps. Edge is about to say
something when the floor suddenly gives out from under
him, and he falls down, watching the floor as it slides
noiselessly back into place.
Suddenly, Edge is plunged into frigid darkness. At first
he doesn’t know what’s happening to him. Then
he realizes he’s fallen into a body of water. He
opens his eyes and starts to work his way back to the
top. He cracks the surface and looks around him.
He’s in a long, brightly lit corridor filled half
way up with crystal clear blue water. All the way at the
end of the corridor he can see a platform out of the
water, leading to a doorway. Behind the doorway were
stairs, spiraling up and according to Edge’s quick
thinking, leading him a little bit ahead of where Bono
was in the tunnel above. He just had to swim to the
platform, go up the steps, backtrack a bit and tell Bono
to jump into the water and do the same. An easy way past
the spikes. A wet way, but easy just the same. Edge
smiles to himself and begins to swim to the platform.
In fact, Edge likes to swim. It’s invigorating and,
though he doesn’t usually do it in his normal day
clothes, the water down here is quite nice. Why, he can
see all the way to the bottom! He can even see that cute
little alligator coming towards him from under the
water…Edge pauses.
Edge: (Puzzled) “…Cute little alligator?”
(Fear crosses his chiseled face) “Oh, no…”
Edge looks down again and, sure enough, a snap-happy
alligator is wading toward him. Edge begins to swim as
fast as he can, praying that his pounding heart will stay
in his chest and get him to the platform before the
alligator gets to him. An idea comes to him and before he
has even though it through, he’s already acted on
it. He sends an extremely dangerous current through the
water just as the alligator comes to the surface behind
him. He hears it snarl and it’s body sizzle in the
electrified current and then it is floating on the
surface, belly up. Moments later, three more alligators
surface, also rigid. Edge sighs loudly and swims as fast
as his long legs, (well, long compared to Bono or
Larry’s legs), will take him. He climbs up on the
platform and looks back at the floating creatures. He
crosses himself and looks up at God thankfully. Then he
climbs the steps slowly, his arms and legs tired from
swimming, and talks softly to himself.
Edge: “Thank God Paul gave us these
powers…I’ll have to get him a really nice
Christmas gift this year…maybe some
socks…”
~Larry~
Run.
Larry runs across the room as the animal comes out from
behind one of the altars that had fallen over after
centuries of misuse or no use at all. Larry does a roll
to face his opponent, his fire magic ready. He stares at
his attacker a moment before breaking into a fit of
laughter.
Before him stands a baby dinosaur, no taller than a foot.
Its tiny-clawed hands rub its scaly head and its long
toenails click on the stone floor. It makes a small
coughing noise and stares at Larry with big yellow eyes.
Larry, still laughing at himself for being so scared,
walks up to the little dinosaur, whom by now he has
recognized as a raptor, and kneels down to scratch its
head. The miniature dinosaur coos. Larry stops laughing
as he notices the necklace dangling about the
dinosaur’s tiny neck. On the dinosaur’s
necklace is a charm shaped like a raptor’s
head…the key!
Larry: (As he moves to take the necklace off)
“You’re a cute little thing…you know, you
kinda look like Adam when you wake him up in the
morning…yellow eyes and everything!”
The dinosaur coughs again and nuzzles his leg. Then he
begins to fidget, coughing some more.
Larry: “You’re a lot friendlier than he is in
the morning, though, let me tell you that much. Ten hours
without a cigarette…” (Shivers as he rubs the
dinosaur behind its earhole, trying to get it to sit
still so he can slip off the necklace) “Trust me,
it’s just BAD.”
Larry freezes as a snort and then a low growl comes from
behind him. Larry moans quietly as the feeling of being
watched or hunted once again raises the hair on his arms.
The baby dinosaur isn’t coughing…he’s
CALLING.
Larry: (Softly to baby dinosaur) “You weren’t
the one watching me…” (Grimly) “Where
there’s a baby…” (Whirls around to face a
seven-foot tall female raptor) “There’s a
mother!”
The raptor shrieks at him, piercing the stale tomb air.
Larry yells loudly, trying to over power the
creature’s noise and begins to throw fireballs at
it. They don’t affect the raptor, which stomps
forward toward him, sharp teeth bared. Larry grits his
teeth and concentrates on the stone floor. Suddenly a
ring of fire bursts up around the raptor. The raptor
shrieks again, this time in surprise, and Larry takes
off, running into a small room connecting to the larger
room. He slides behind a large golden throne,
concentrating on the fire he can feel in the other room,
wishing it to close in on the dinosaur.
However, his concentration is broken as the dinosaur
comes walking into the room, sniffing the air. Larry
gasps. How did the raptor get out of his ring of fire? He
holds his breath, hoping the raptor can’t hear him
or pick up his scent. Of course he knows it probably
can…not only does he wear cologne, but he has been
sweating and the raptor can probably smell that as well.
He slumps lower behind the chair as the raptor comes
closer, licking the altar, (the one Larry had squirmed
past to get behind the chair), with his forked
tongue… the raptor can probably taste him. The
raptor jumps on top of the altar and Larry’s jaw
drops. The raptor had jumped out of his ring of
fire…the thing just cleared five feet jumping onto
the altar! Larry moans silently, his eyes squeezed tight
in fear, a tear rolling down his cheek as the sweat from
his brow burns in a fresh scrape on his forehead. The
dinosaur turns in his direction as it jumps back off the
altar and steps forward, only the sound of its five-inch
retractable claws on its big toes clicking on the floor
giving Larry the impression of how close the dinosaur
is…Larry guesses it’s around five feet away.
Larry sees the faces of his children…his band
mates…he starts to pray silently as more tears stain
wet his cheeks…
~Bono~
Bono:
“Oh, for crying out loud!”
Bono stares at the place where Edge just stood. He had
been there. Bono KNEW he had been there!
Bono: (Nodding angrily) “Great…just
GREAT!”
It wasn’t fair! Bono had been so good lately! He had
done everything he could to help with all the problems
they’d been going through. He had behaved. He’d
been brave! And now this!
Bono: (Face scrunching up in anger) “This SUCKS!”
Bono’s eyes fill with frustrated tears and he begins
to shout and scream at the walls, stomping his feet and
pouting much like his eight year old daughter Memphis
Eve.
Bono: “It’s not FROCKING FAIR! I want to help
Adam! I’m not being selfish! I’m
trying to be a good friend and this is what I get!!! I
haven’t had any beer in days!!! This is
BULLSHIT!” (Up to God) “Why are you DOING
this???” (Lips jutting out farther) “STUPID
lemon and this STUPID tunnel and that STUPID POO-POO
HEAD, the Mastermind! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!”
Bono becomes so upset that he gets a fit of the hiccups
and the whole tomb, (tunnels and all), starts to shake
violently. The walls begin to crack and crumble as Bono
sits on the floor hiccupping while he has a much withheld
temper tantrum.
~Edge~
Edge
walks up the stone stairs, scowling at the runny black
marks on his hand that had once been a map of the area.
The steps are dark, but not so dark he can’t see
anything. He sighs at his hand once more, but continues
to trudge up the steps, leaving wet spots behind him. He
rings out his tee shirt as he walks, smiling slightly as
he realizes that this is the first time in a long while
that he would kill for a blow dyer.
Suddenly the walls and ground begin to shake
aggressively.
Edge: (Covering his head as pieces of stone crumble off
the ceiling) “What the fu-”
Edge collapses and swears loudly. He scurries back up and
begins to run up the steps, knowing if he doesn’t
get out of the stairwell it will certainly collapse on
him. He reaches the top and bursts out into the tunnel
just as the ceiling of the stairwell falls in behind him
with a loud crash. The shaking stops. He whirls around
and once again crosses himself.
Edge: (Looking over the rubble blocking the way back to
the stairwell) “Well, call me Mr. Lucky…that
was close! I wonder why that happened…I don’t
recall saying anything bad about Larry since I left
Bono…”
He looks at the part of the tunnel he’s in.
Edge: (Looking back and forth, in front of him, then
behind) “That’s funny. The tunnel runs at a
slant here…I’ll have to walk up a bit to go
back for Bono.”
Edge begins to walk back toward Bono, whistling
‘Walk On’ to himself. Then he trips. He throws
his hands out to catch himself and lands on his side. He
sits there a moment, scowling at his scraped hands, and
then looks around his feet to see what he tripped on. A
thin rope is stretched across the width of the tunnel.
Edge’s brow furrows at the sight and he looks back
the other way, ahead of him toward where he had left
Bono.
Edge: (Gawking) “Oh, shit!”
A huge stone boulder drops from the ceiling with a rumble
of earth and begins to move toward Edge. Edge scrambles
to his feet as the boulder he’d set off with the
rope comes rolling at him. Edge races ahead of the
boulder, back toward the stairwell, then realizing that
he can’t duck back into the stairwell because it
collapsed. He moans and keeps running, the boulder close
behind. Then he sees it up ahead: a hole in the floor
that is big enough for him, but not for the boulder and
after that a dead end. Edge struggles within his mind for
a moment: take a chance on a gapping hole in the floor or
get stuck between a rock and a hard place…literally.
Edge: (Panting as he dives for the hole and looking very
much like the cooler version of Indiana Jones)
“I’ll test my luck with the dark gapping
hole!”
He leaps into the hole and the boulder rumbles overhead
and passes, smashing into the wall of the dead end,
breaking through it and revealing another tunnel.
Edge: (As he climbs out of the hole) “Well, that
explains the slanted tunnel…” (Looks at the
opened wall) “Better go get Bono before going in
there…”
Edge heads back up the tunnel, swearing to himself to
destroy any rocks he sees from now on, no matter how
small.
[At the same time…]
Larry and the raptor connect eyes and the raptor hisses,
raising his forearms as it leaps to attack…
And suddenly the whole room is shaking furiously. A stone
column falls right on top of the raptor. A final shriek
retches the air. Larry cries out, covering his ears. Then
there is silence.
He stands up and walks out from behind the throne to see
the situation of the dinosaur. He gets one look and turns
his head away.
Larry: (Making a face) “Yucky Patooty!”
He steps carefully past the smooshed raptor and walks
back into the main tomb. He finds the baby dinosaur
cowering in a corner, scared to death. Larry sighs and
walks over to it slowly, his hands in his pockets. He
kneels down and reaches a hand out to the baby raptor.
The raptor squeals and jumps into his arms.
Larry: (Laughing) “You may look like Adam in the
morning, but you act like Bono after a couple
drinks!” (Looks around as he stands up with the
creature in his arms) “I say we hurry up and get out
of here before Daddy shows up for you…”
Larry walks over to the stone slab and slides the
necklace off the baby’s slender, lizard like neck.
He snaps the charm into place and the stone slab slides
up.
Larry: (Grinning) (Singing the George Michael song in
pure elation) “Freedom! Freedom! You got to give
what you taaaaaaaaaaake…”
The little dinosaur squeaks happily in Larry’s arms
as Larry goes to catch up with Edge and Bono.
Scene
Two
Setting:
[Tunnel] Bono is sniffling on the stone floor, looking
over at the pit containing the sharp metal spikes. He
looks down at his hands and shivers, feeling very alone
and extremely sorry for himself.
Voice: “You’re not crying are
you?”
Bono looks up to see Larry walking up to him. Larry looks
thoroughly beat up. His hair is sticking up at all ends,
he has a large cut on his left arm and his forehead has
dirt smudged all over it. A scratch on it is bleeding
slightly and he is covered in a sticky sweat. He is
cradling his right arm, which must be broken.
To Bono, Larry never looked better.
Larry: (Imitating Tom Hanks) “There’s no CRYING
in tomb raiding!”
Bono: (Jumping up happily and rushing to hug Larry)
“Larry! I’m so glad to see you! Edge just
disappeared and-”
Larry: (Jumping back from Bono’s hug) “Hey,
watch it!”
Bono: (Thinking Larry is talking about his bum arm)
“Oh, sorry…how’s it doing?”
Larry: (Looking down at his arms) “Oh, he’s
fine. Just fell asleep.”
Bono: “HE?”
Larry: “Yeah, it’s a boy…I think. I’m
not about to poke around to find out.”
Bono scowls a moment and then takes a closer look. Larry
isn’t cradling his arm. He’s cradling…
Bono: (Gasping) “That’s a dinosaur!”
Larry: (Rubbing its cheek) (Mother-like) “I know,
isn’t he cute?”
Bono: “Well, yeah…but aren’t they
extinct?”
Larry: (Shrugs) “They’re supposed to be, but he
looks alive to me.”
Bono: “Yeah, guess so…”
Larry: (looking behind him) “Where’s Edge
at?”
Bono: “I was saying I lost him a while
ago…”
Voice: “I’m right here!”
Larry & Bono: “EDGE!”
Larry: (Walks up to the pit and looks down) “Well,
how the hell did you get on that side?”
Edge: (Walking up to the pit’s edge from the
otherside) “Long story. Anyway, I think I found
where the lemon is…there’s a tunnel
I…er…MADE back this other way that
might lead to it…You guys have to get over here. But
I did it the hard way and I don’t suggest you do it
the way I did. It had to do with alligators and I
can’t guarantee I took care of them all.”
Bono: “Well, then how’re we supposed to get
across?”
They all think a moment and Larry looks down at the pit
and then nods, handing Bono the sleeping raptor.
Larry: “I think I have a way. It’s too long to
jump over…but look.”
Larry points down the pit along the side closest to him.
Right by the top of the pit on the wall closest to him
and Bono is a rung. Bono looks down at it.
Bono: “Well, what good will that do?”
Edge looks at Larry and shakes his head.
Edge: “No, Larry…it’s way too
dangerous.”
Larry: “Edge, I’m in perfect shape…I can
take Bono’s weight and I can pull myself up
easy!”
Edge: “Yeah, but you’d need a rope or something
for Bono to pull your feet up to the rung.”
Bono: “I don’t get it.”
Edge: “Well, now that I think about it…I
tripped on some rope a while back…”
Larry: (Brightening) “Perfect!”
Bono: “I don’t get it!”
Edge: “I still don’t like it, but it
doesn’t seem like we have a choice. I’ll be
right back.”
Edge walks away.
Bono: “I DON’T GET IT!”
The dinosaur, stirred by Bono’s yelling, opens its
yellow eyes and shrieks. Larry grabs it away from Bono
quickly, trying to subdue it.
Larry: “Don’t worry, Mommy’s here!”
Bono: (Raises an eyebrow) “…MOMMY?”
Larry: (Making a face) “Fine, Daddy…like it
matters! We need to keep him quiet or his REAL Daddy is
gonna come looking for him.”
Bono: “You mean it has parents???”
Larry: “Of course it does! Considering how many kids
you have, I thought you would know that living beings
don’t pop out of thin air!”
Bono: (Grinning) “Oh, trust me…I know the
basics of how babies come about!”
Larry: (Rolling eyes) “Good for you…” (To
raptor) “Now, you’re gonna have to let Uncle
Bono hold you for a little bit and it’s very
important that you be good!”
Bono: “UNCLE BONO?”
Larry: “Would you prefer AUNT Bono?”
Bono: “No, no…uncle’s fine…now why
did you take the baby if it has parents that will come
looking for it?”
Larry: “Well…the mother kinda attacked me
and…”
Bono: “You took an adult raptor out??”
Larry: “No, a stone column fell on it! It
wasn’t my fault…and he looked so scared to be
alone…kinda like you did five minutes ago.”
Bono: “Oh…” (Reaches for raptor) “Let
me see him, then.” (Takes raptor as it squirms
unhappily) “Now, see…I know how you feel…I
hate to be alone too…you’re a good little
raptor…” (To Larry) “You know, he kinda
looks like Adam in the morning…ablight, a little
cuter, but…”
The raptor squeaks.
Larry: (Smiling) “Yeah, I noticed. What should I
name him?”
Bono: “You’re not keeping him Larry!”
Larry: (Pouting) “Why not? Oh, please, Bono,
pleaaaaaaaase???”
Bono: “NO! If Adam sees you have one, then
he’ll want one!”
At the word ‘Adam’ the little raptor coos
loudly. Bono and Larry look down at it and Larry laughs.
Larry: “He likes the name Adam…I think we
should call him Adam Jr. You know, a little of Adam and a
little of me…since I’m a Jr. too.”
Bono: “But we’re still not keeping him.”
Larry ignores Bono and Edge rematerializes on the other
side with a length of rope.
Edge: (Looking down at the pit, which is about five feet
long) “You sure you’re tall enough for
this?”
Larry: (Scowling) “Oh, shut up! I’m not that
short.”
Bono: “Yes, you are.”
Larry: “Shut up! No, I’m not! You’re
shorter!”
Bono: “No way!”
Larry: “Yes way!”
Edge: “Hello? Lemon to rescue!”
Larry: (Grimly) “Right, right…sorry.”
Bono: “That’s okay.”
Larry: “I wasn’t apologizing to you!”
Bono: “Well, you should you ungrateful-”
Edge: “HELLO? Let’s get this freak show on the
road, shall we?? You can argue at home just as well as
you can here…we’re on limited time!”
Edge throws the rope across to Larry, who just barely
catches it. Larry ties one of the ends around his ankles
and then hands over the other end of the rope to Bono.
Bono puts down the raptor, which curls up in a little
ball to watch Larry curiously.
Bono: “Now what am I going to do with this?
Edge: “Larry’s going to do a running jump for
this side. Hopefully he’ll catch the ledge. And if
he doesn’t I’ll grab him.”
Bono: “I can’t do that though! I’m not
nearly as athletic as you! How am I gonna get across?
Adam Jr. can’t make it either! He’s too
little!”
Larry: “Here’s the deal…after I’m
hanging on the ledge, Edge is gonna grab my hands and
hold on to me. You’re gonna pull my feet up to the
rung on this side of the pit by the rope and I’m
gonna hook my feet on it. You can then walk across the
pit on my back with Adam Jr. in your arms. Then Edge can
help pull me up and out of the pit.”
Bono gapes at Larry a moment and then turns to Edge.
Bono: “You guys aren’t seriously going to do
this…Larry, you’re not Lara Croft!”
Larry: “Bono, we can do this, I know we can!
C’mon, be brave for once!”
Bono: “For once??? All I’ve been is
brave!”
Edge: “Then prove it Bono…we don’t have
time to waste.”
Bono: “…You guys are insane…it’ll
never work!”
Suddenly the low roar of an adult raptor can be heard
from a distant spot in the tunnel. Bono looks behind him
toward the noise as the baby raptor begins to cough
again, clutching Larry’s leg with his forearms.
Bono: (Quickly) “But, I’m willing to try
anything once!”
Larry nods and looks over at Edge.
Edge: “I know you can do this Larry…don’t
freak yourself out.”
Larry: (Looks at Bono) “Pick up Adam Jr. and relax
him so he’ll stop that noise…the noise attracts
adult raptors.” (Looks back toward Edge and his
jump) “I’m just gonna go for it…”
Larry does a running jump toward the edge by The Edge
[heh, heh…oh, sorry]. At first he thinks he
didn’t jump far enough…then it looks like
he’s gone too far and he’s going to smack into
the ledge instead of grab it. Then he’s clutching
the ledge. Bono cheers and Edge grabs Larry’s
wrists, helping to support him as he holds on.
Edge: “Now, Bono!”
Bono pulls the rope and Larry’s feet swing up, level
with his head. His feet search for the rung and he finds
it, jamming his feet in it to steady himself.
Larry: (Grunting) “Ugh…okay, Bono!
Ouch…walk across now!”
Bono looks at Larry and then down the pit. He gulps
loudly.
Edge: (Frantically) “C’mon Bono! He can’t
hold forever!”
Bono looks wide eyed at Edge and shakes his head
wordlessly. The baby raptor shrieks loudly and the Daddy
raptor turns the corner. He stops. Bono’s blue eyes
connect with the adult raptor’s yellow ones and Bono
runs across Larry’s back, not even bothering to look
down, the baby squeaking in his arms.
With Bono across, Larry kicks his feet out of the rung
right before the raptor runs up and swings a clawed hand
at them. Edge pulls Larry up out of the pit and Larry
pushes Edge and Bono to run, as he unties the rope around
his ankles. Edge doesn’t budge and Bono stops
running about a foot away. Larry throws the rope off and
turns around to stare at the raptor. A smile crosses his
face.
Larry: “He knows…”
Edge: “He knows what?”
Larry: “The ceiling’s too low…he
can’t jump across without banging his head on the
ceiling…he’d just fall in. He knows he
can’t follow us.”
Bono: “Great, then let’s go!”
Bono and Edge move to leave, but Larry doesn’t
budge, still looking at the animal as it sneers at him.
Edge grabs Larry arm and Larry begins to run too, leaving
the raptor behind.
Epilogue
Larry
looks at the tunnel, where a wall once stood, and
grimaces, shifting a wiggly Adam Jr. in his arms.
Larry: “When will this end?”
Edge: “I think this is the way to the lemon,
honestly!”
Bono: “Yeah, this is definitely it.”
Larry: “Oh, and how do YOU know?”
Bono: (Pointing at the wall) “Because it says so
right here.”
On the wall is painted: “THIS IS DEFINITELY
IT!”
Larry scowls.
Larry: “Time to go meet the Mastermind.”
Bono: “Do you think he’s here?”
Edge: “I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Larry: (Menacingly) (Eyes flash) “I hope he
is…I have a little present for him.”
Edge and Bono nod and the three walk down the tunnel with
angry faces and flashing eyes.
*~*~*~*
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