Adventure
Seven:
“Oh…there she is.”
Scene
One
Setting:
[Larry’s Hotel Room] Bono is on the phone with Paul
McGuiness, who, along with Adam, is back in Dublin. Larry
is in the shower and Edge walks in with his suitcase.
Edge motions to the bathroom as a way of asking where
Larry is and Bono nods.
Bono: (Into Phone) “Okay, Paul. So this doctor is
taking care of him? Are you sure? You’re positive?
Okay, okay…don’t get snippy. I’m just
worried. How’s he feeling?” (Laughs) “Hi,
Adam. You’ve been better, huh? Alright, well,
we’re getting you help right now. Okay. Go to sleep.
You need rest. Okay, bye Adam…Paul? Yeah, do me a
favor. Don’t let him smoke, eh? I know it’s
Adam, but it can’t possibly HELP him-no, no…I
know he’s moody without his ciggies, but he’s
not WELL…okay. Okay, bye.”
Larry comes out of the shower, his body still slick with
water and a white towel wrapped around his waist.
Larry: (To Edge) (As he rubs his hair with a blue towel)
“I’ll be ready in a bit, okay Edge? Did you
call Ali to see what the pineapple drink has said? Any
clues?”
Edge stares at Larry, his eyes blank and his face giving
off the impression that he’s been hypnotized. Larry
frowns.
Larry: “Edge?” (Waves his hand in front of
Edge’s face) “Hello, Edge?”
Edge: (Snapping out of it) “Oh! Uh…sorry, what?
I was mesmerized by your oh-so-manly pecs.”
Larry: (shrugging) “That’s okay, I get that all
the time. Did you call Ali?”
Edge: “Bono did, yes. We have another clue and
it’s leading us back to Chicago.”
Larry: “You ever get the idea Mandi’s from
Chicago?”
Edge: “Why do you say that?”
Larry: “She keeps having us end up there.”
Edge: “Oh.”
Larry unfolds the towel he was using to dry his hair and
looks at it, alarmed.
Larry: “Oh, gross! This is Bono’s!”
Larry holds up the towel to Edge, who glances at the
Pokemon towel and shrugs.
Edge: “So?”
Larry: “SO, he used it today! His naked body was on
this towel and I just rubbed it all over my hair!”
Edge: (Leaning in and smelling Larry’s hair) (Making
a face) “Go wash your hair again in the sink.”
Larry nods and rushes back into the bathroom. Bono hangs
up the phone and looks at where Larry was once standing.
Bono: “What’s Larry doing?”
Edge: “Rewashing his hair.”
Bono: (Yelling to Larry in the bathroom) “You know,
Larry, just because it SAYS repeat, doesn’t mean you
have to.”
Larry yells an incoherent insult and Bono pulls his
suitcase up on the bed.
Edge: “You all packed?”
Bono: “Yeah, I’m ready…remind me why Adam
can’t heal himself again?”
Edge: “Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.
Besides, we believe the magic he uses to heal is only
effective on humans anyway, and Adam is not.”
Larry walks back out, dressed and rubbing his wet hair
with the white towel he just used. He shakes the water
out of his hair with a “BURRR” of his lips. He
digs through his bag for his gel, as Edge smells his hair
again.
Edge: “Better go wash your hair again.”
Larry: (Scowls) “Oh, shut up.”
Bono: “So, here’s the deal. We have a gig
tomorrow at 7:30, if we don’t do sound check.”
Larry: “Bono, Adam is-”
Bono: “I know. We have till midnight tonight to get
the lemon back in our possession if we want to give Adam
enough time to make it to Mars in the lemon, get healed
and make it back here for the concert.”
Edge: “So we have to get the lemon back by midnight
or cancel tomorrow’s gig.”
Bono: “Right and canceling a gig this early in the
tour…I mean, it’s only the second show. The
fans’ll know something’s wrong. And I think we
need to get Adam help as soon as possible. Our Earth
doctors can only do so much for a Martian and he’s
in serious trouble.”
Larry: (Picking up his large gym bag of clothes and other
necessities) “Right. Let’s go then, boys.”
Scene
Two
Setting:
[Adam’s Dublin Mansion] Adam is lying in his bed,
Paul sitting in a chair by his side. Adam is whining
loudly.
Adam: “Just ONE cigarette? PLEASE?”
Paul: “No, absolutely not! Cigarettes are just as
bad for aliens as for humans.”
Adam: “Oh, BUGGER.”
Scene
Three
Setting: [Downtown
Chicago] Larry is once again on the cell phone with Ali.
Edge is staring at a map of the downtown area. Bono is
holding Larry and Edge’s bags, a look of resentment
on his face.
Bono: “Why can’t I look at the map…or call
my own wife, for God’s sake?”
Edge: (Absently) “Don’t whine, Bono. It’s
bad for your complexion.”
Bono immediately shuts up, rubbing his cheeks to check
their smoothness. Larry nods as he listens to Ali on the
phone and jots down what she’s saying.
Larry: “Okay…” (Writing) “Yeah, I got
that. Thanks, Ali. Okay, talk to you later…what?
Yes, the rights to ‘Sweetest Thing’ are under
your name…Yes that means you own the song. What? WHAT?
Ali, no!” (Covers receiver) “You guys, Ali says
she’s going to sell ‘Sweetest Thing’ to
Boy George!”
Bono: “That Larry loving freak? Ack! I think
not!” (Snatches the phone) “Look here
woman…ARE YOU MAD?” (Pauses) “She’s laughing…”
(Lets out a sigh) “Ali, that was not a funny
joke.” (Grins) “No, it wasn’t. Naming our
child Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q was a funny joke. What
you just pulled is plain mean.” (Nods) “Okay,
love you too. Bye…yes, bye to Jo-jo and Evie and Eli
and the new one…yes, yes! John Abraham! Oh, give me
a while…you know I have horrible memory and
Eli’s name has taken up any space I had left
for…er, um…JOHN, right. I’ll work on that.
Okay, Luvie. Big kisses…bye.” (Clicks phone
closed, pulls a pen out of his pocket and starts to write
something on his hand)
Larry: (Curiously) “What’re you doing?”
Bono: (Looking up) “Oh, nothing. Let’s
go.”
Larry spies Bono’s hand as they walk down the
street. On it, he’d written in very large letters
“FOURTH KID: JOHN”. Larry rolled his eyes.
Larry: “I’ve figured out the clue and
we’re off to the Art Institute.”
Edge: “Well, that was quick…what was the
clue?”
Larry: (Reading off notepad) “The lemon’s at
the Art Institute.”
Bono rolls his eyes at Edge and Edge shrugs, following
after Larry and squinting at his map.
Scene
Four
Setting:
[Adam’s Dublin Mansion] Adam is lying in his
luxurious bed, still sulking and in considerable pain.
Paul comes out of the adjoining bathroom looking haggard.
Paul: “Adam, do you mind if I slack off for an hour
or so?”
Adam: (Staring at Paul) “Sorry?”
Paul: “I’m gonna go take a nap, okay?”
Adam: (Brightening) “Okay!”
Paul looks at Adam suspiciously and then walks around the
room. First he opens a drawer and pulls out a pack of
cigarettes. Adam smiles weakly. Paul raises an eyebrow
and then reaches a hand under Adam’s bed, pulling
out a crate of cigarettes. He scowls at Adam. Adam hides
under his blanket. Paul goes to leave, but sees Adam
eyeing the bathroom. Paul, still glaring at Adam,
reenters the bathroom and opens the medicine cabinet. He
finds nothing in it, but is not satisfied. He looks at
Adam and catches him glancing worriedly at the toilet.
Paul looks at the toilet dubiously. He opens the
toilet’s tank and groans loudly as he pulls out a
packet of cigarettes protected in a plastic bag.
Paul: “Oh, Adam! For Christ’s sake!”
Adam: (Angrily) “Oh, get out!”
Paul doesn’t move and Adam scowls.
Adam: “That’s the last of them! Go, on!
GET!”
Paul leaves. Adam sinks into his bed, a grin spreading
across his face.
Adam: (Softly) “Take my ciggies, will you? Well, the
last laugh will be mine!”
A moment passes before Paul bursts back into Adam’s
room, fuming mad.
Paul: (Looking rumpled, but otherwise unscathed)
“You little spoiled Englishman!”
Adam: (Sitting up in bed) “What’d I do?”
Paul: “You know damn well what you did! Right in my
bed, you little sneak! Not only is that a dirty trick,
but you had to get out of bed to pull it!”
Adam: (Sticking out his tongue) “That’s what
you get for not letting me have a ciggie!”
Paul: “I can’t believe I have taken care of you
all these years and this is how I’m treated!
BAH!”
He turns around, exposing the strawberry jelly rubbed
into his backside. He storms out and Adam laughs.
Adam: “The jelly in the bed trick…always
works.”
Scene
Five
Setting: [The Art
Institute] Edge, Bono and Larry are looking at each
painting carefully, trying to detect anything out of
place. Bono is stopped for a picture and autograph as
Larry studies a Monet. The camera flashes, and a small
door opens up from behind the painting Larry is looking
at. Bewildered, he looks over at Bono, who is still
smiling for the camera, and then at Edge, who is
scrutinizing a painting with a magnifying glass.
Larry stumbles quickly over to the fan before he moves
on.
Larry: “Um, look…I’ll pay you…”
(Digs in his pockets and pulls out some American money)
“One hundred and fifty dollars for your
camera.”
Fan: “Err…why?”
Larry: “Coz, uh, I, uh…forgot mine and would
really like to document this trip. Yeah, that’s
it.”
Fan: “Um, okay, I guess.” (Holds out camera and
Larry snatches it, putting the money in its place)
Bono: “It was nice meeting y-OW!” (Larry pulls
him away from the fan by the ear)
Larry grabs Edge by the arm and drags them both to the
painting. He looks behind himself and notices the fan
still standing there, gawking at them with a puzzled look
on his face.
Larry: (Snaps) “Go on to the next room! Nothing to
see here!”
The fan makes a face and leaves, mumbling something about
Larry having his duckie knickers in a twist. Larry glares
at Bono.
Larry: “Tell everybody about my underclothes will
you!”
Bono: “I already did!”
Edge: “I think he’s aware of that.”
Larry: (Agitated) “Look!” (Flashes camera)
The door behind the painting swings open again. The three
look at it hesitantly and Larry pushes Bono forward.
Larry: “Go on, Bono. You first.”
Bono: “Why ME?”
Larry: “Well, you are God aren’t you? Nothing
can hurt you.”
Bono: “For the last time, that’s only a nasty
rumor! You both know I’m only the Virgin Mary, not
THE God.”
Larry: (Rolling eyes) “Just go.”
Bono swallows loudly and checks to make sure no one is
around. It’s all clear and he steps inside the
painting’s hollow and turns back to the others as he
takes a step forward.
Bono: “Looks alright to m-” (Suddenly drops out
of sight)
Larry: (Racing forward) “BONO!”
Edge: (Looking in the hole) “It looks like it’s
a chute. A slide if you will. We better hurry.
Bono’s probably already at the bottom and all
alone.”
With that Larry nods with a manly Tim Allen grunt and
steps inside, also sliding down. Edge sighs, closing the
painting behind him and taking a step forward.
Edge can hear Larry, faintly, ahead of him.
Larry:
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene
Six
Setting: [Temple of
the Light] Edge lands with a thud on a hard, dusty stone
floor. Bono is standing up and brushing himself off and
Larry is bouncing up and down on the ground.
Larry: “Let’s do it again! Do it again!”
Edge ignores Larry, looking around at their surroundings.
They are in what appears to be an ancient temple. A large
Buddha statue sits before them on a raised platform and
other, smaller statues surround them. Bono whistles in
awe and Edge nods slowly.
Edge: “Yeah. Okay. I know where we are.”
Bono: “Oh? And where’s that?”
Edge: “We’re in the Temple of the Light.”
Bono: (Frowning) “Are you trying to tell me we just
traveled from Chicago, Illinois, USA to CAMBODIA? By
CHUTE?”
Edge: “Either that or this is a really great
replica.”
Larry: “Wherever we are, I suggest we get on with
this and find the lemon. It’s already 4 PM.”
Bono: “That leaves us eight hours, Larry,
relax.”
Edge: (Laughing) “Can you imagine how out of place
our disco citrus looks in a place like this?”
Bono: “Almost as out of place as when we dressed up
like the Village People.”
Larry: (slapping one hand on Bono’s shoulder and the
other on Edge’s) “Oh, I don’t know. Edge
looked like a pretty good biker dude to me.”
Bono: (shaking his head) “Nah. Take away the handle
bar mustache and he had nothing on him.”
Larry: “True, true…at any rate. We need to get
out of here.”
Edge: (Moving forward to look at a statue) “Not so
fast, Larry. I’d like a look about.”
Bono: (Following Edge) “If ye don’t mind,
Lardence.”
Larry: (Shrugs) “Suit yourself.”
Larry is standing idle by the entrance to the temple,
which appears to be a winding section of tunnels. Larry
is whistling ‘Elevation’ quietly to himself as
he rocks back and forth on the heels of his feet when he
looks back over at the entrance and sees a silhouette
down one of the passageways. It’s the shadow of an
alligator. Larry tries to move his lips but nothing comes
out. Bono and Edge are too busy loudly arguing over the
authenticity of the statues to hear a hiss come from a
large pond in the left corner of the temple. Larry hears
it however, and whirls around to see another alligator
immerging from the crystal blue water, its mouth wide
open in warning. Larry’s equally crystal-like blue
eyes widen at the site of the alligator’s long rows
of sharp teeth and he struggles through shock to try to
yell something... anything.
Larry: “Guys…WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.”
Bono: (not looking away from the statue) “Yes, yes,
Larry, we will…just one more mi-”
Larry: “No. NOW.”
Bono: (Turning around) “What is so damn urgent that
you have to-OMIGOD!”
Edge: “Holy, shit! That’s an alligator!”
Larry leaps back as the other one from the entrance runs
up to him, snapping loudly.
Larry: “AHHH!”
Edge: “That’s TWO alligators!”
Another sounds from behind them and they look around the
statue Bono and Edge are standing in front of to see
another slimy green alligator.
Edge: “Three alligators!”
Larry: (Dodging the alligator again) “Thank you,
Edge, I can count for myself!”
Bono: “I guess this isn’t the time to ask, but
Edge?”
Edge: “What, Bono?”
Bono: “…If you die, can I have that
happenin’ lamp in your bedroom? You know, the one
shaped like Frank Sinatra’s head?”
Edge: (Glaring at Bono) “We’ll talk about this
LATER, Bono!”
Bono: “Yes, but you might already be dead by
then…”
Just as Bono says that, the alligator that had been
snapping at Larry rounds on Edge, chasing him around the
room. Edge finally climbs up on a very high statue, the
alligator waiting patiently below him.
Meanwhile, the alligator from the pool has rounded on
Larry and Larry jumps back, losing his footing and
falling into the pool, the alligator diving in after him.
Lucky for Larry, he falls into the shallow end and is
able to hold his head above water easily. The water at
this end only reaches halfway up his shins. However,
unluckily, the alligator charges him and he, in grand
terror, finds himself wrestling an alligator and unable
to use his fire magic because he is in water.
Bono is having his own problems. The alligator that had
emerged from behind the statue is upon him and Bono has
to dodge behind the statue to put space between himself
and the monster’s jaws. Bono leans on the statue and
it sways slightly. Bono grins brightly as he pushes the
statue over on top of the alligator, crushing it. He is
dusting off his hands when he notices Larry grunting and
splashing in the water.
Bono: “Don’t worry our beloved cute one!
I’ll save you!”
Edge: (To himself) (Sarcastically as alligator jumps to
snap at his feet) “Oh, yes, poor
Larry…nevermind dear Edge, who is about to have the
toes so many people complain about snipped
off…”
Bono runs toward Larry and the alligator. But the
alligator’s tail swings out and knocks Bono into the
deep end of the pool. Bono thrashes about wildly, the
wind knocked out of him and a large bruise forming on his
chest as he struggles himself out of the water. As he
lies at the side of the pool trying to get his breath
back, a large, ugly, purple and green frog leaps onto his
chest. Bono stares cross-eyed at it a moment as it looks
back at him.
Bono: (Gasping) “Oh, how ugly is that…”
After this insult, the frog spits a sticky green fluid on
Bono’s forehead. Bono growls angrily and begins to
wrestle with the spitting frog.
Edge: (Watching Bono desperately) “Bono, how is it
that Larry has so far been a match for an alligator
but you’re losing a wrestle with a frog?”
Bono: (Grunting as the frog kicks him in the nose)
“You don’t understand! This thing is
vicious!”
Edge: (Snorts) “Vicious indeed.”
Suddenly Bono stands up frantically. He is looking all
around him worriedly.
Edge: (Yelling as he sends a spark of electricity at the
alligator, trying to make it back away) “Bono,
what’s wrong?”
Bono: (Holding up hands) “I lost him! He just
disappeared!”
Suddenly Bono’s face fills with disgusted shock and
he slaps his hands on his butt.
Bono: “Oh, no! I think I found him! He’s in my
pants! Ahhh-”
Bono, finding no other solution in a desperate attempt to
keep the frog out of his underwear, quickly sits down and
begins to repeatedly bang his famous booty on the hard
stone floor.
Edge: (Putting his head in his hand) “Oh,
Christ…”
Larry, meanwhile, has discovered how much alligators love
to be stroked under their neck and has ceased wrestling
with the alligator. The alligator is now putty in his
hands and is rolling on its back, happily licking
Larry’s fingers. Larry looks up at Bono and motions
to Edge.
Larry: “Go, help Edge for God’s sake!”
Edge: “Yeah! Come help me!”
Bono: (Bouncing his butt up and down) “Little busy
here!”
Larry: “Well, if I stop petting, it’s gonna get
angry!”
Voice: “That’s where I come in.”
Angelina Jolie, decked out in TombRaider garb, jumps down
from the skylight in the ceiling, pistols drawn.
Edge: “Wow! Angelina Jolie!”
Angelina: “Right now, I’m Lara Croft.”
Larry: (Slack-jawed and in love) “I don’t care
what you call yourself just as long as you agree to marry
me!”
Edge: “Lay off, Buster! She came to save me, not to
kidnap you from Ann!”
Larry: (Frantically) “But Edge! You’ve seen
Ann! And this is THE Angelina Jolie!”
Angelina: (Takes off her shades) “We’ll talk
later, Larry. Right now, I have to help Edge.”
Larry: (Pouting) “Ah, man…”
Angelina dashes toward the alligator, shooting off
several rounds. The alligator does not even get a chance
to react before it is stricken on the floor, shot.
Larry’s alligator becomes aggravated by the gunshots
and leaps up to attack. Before Angelina can move to
handle it, Larry throws the alligator into a headlock and
snaps a thick rubber band around the alligator’s
mouth. Angelina raises an eyebrow.
Angelina: “Where’d you learn that?”
Larry: “Well, I suppose unless you’ve seen Bono
when he’s drunk you wouldn’t understand.
I’ve had to do it to him several times.”
Bono: (Still bouncing up and down) “And that
HURTS!”
Angelina: (To Bono) “And what is your problem,
then?”
Bono bounces one last time. A loud SPLAT echoes
through the tomb and Larry and Edge flinch with disgusted
faces. Bono stands up and turns around to look at the
butt of his pants, which is soaked through with purple
goop. Angelina smiles.
Angelina: “I’ve never seen constipation handled
like that before.”
Bono: (Making a face at her) “I had a FROG in my
pants, if you must know!”
Angelina: “Sure, sure…that’s what they all
say.”
Edge: (As an after thought) (To Larry) “Do you
usually carry rubber bands with you?”
Larry: “Well, I always keep the ones Adam shoots at
me…they start to collect in there.”
Edge: “I see.”
Angelina: “Well, my work is done here.”
Larry: (On his knees) (Grabs her leg) “Please
don’t leave me with this hole in my heart!”
Angelina: “Is there anyway I can get you off
me?”
Larry: (Logically) “None that I know of.”
Angelina stops to think and then smiles.
Angelina: “I’ve slept with Billy Bob
Thorton.”
Larry lets go of her leg, a look of utter distaste
spreading across his face.
Larry: (Shooing her away) “Go, go! Get
away…Billy Bob germs all over my hands…”
(Rubs hands on his pants)
Edge: (Getting down from the statue) “What he means
is…thanks.”
Angelina: “No problem. If you have any more trouble,
I’ll show up. Don’t worry.”
Bono: (Rubbing his butt on the ground to try and get the
goo off his pants) “Bye Angelina!”
Angelina winks and jumps up, grabbing the edge of the
skylight and pulling up, disappearing from view. They
hear the distant roar of a motorcycle pulling away.
Larry: (Sighs dreamily) “The perfect woman…she
even rides a motorcycle.”
Bono: (Pulling Larry up as the alligator squeals in
fright from Larry and dives back into the water)
“Get over it, pup.” (Nodding to the alligator)
“He’s scared of you now.”
Larry: “Ah, well…most people are anyway.”
Edge: (Glancing at the entrance and its many tunnels)
“Let’s go get our lemon, boys.”
They all take a deep breath and walk forward, through the
entrance.
*~*~*~*
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