Adventure
Six:
“Where’s Lara Croft when you need her?”
Scene
One
Setting: [Backstage
Area of a Concert Venue] U2 has just finished a
spectacular opening show for the Elevation 2001 Tour.
Larry is sitting by himself in an empty backstage room,
reading several letters that loyal fans had handed him
earlier, especially the letter passed to Bono during the
concert, which Bono read out loud: “Dear Bono, I
love Larry.” He snickers at the memory. He opens
another fan letter as Adam strolls in, freshly showered
and a new ciggie hanging from his lips.
Larry: (Reading part of the letter then looking up at
Adam) “You’re in luck! After me, you’re
this one’s favorite!”
Adam: (Grinning) “Oh, glee! So I’ll just get
rid of you and I’ll have one more fan to add to the
collection.”
Larry: (Face going blank) “You mean to tell me you
keep them?”
Adam: “What?”
Larry: “And all this time I’ve been letting
them walk away after I give them my autograph…”
Adam: (Rolling eyes) “Oh, Larry, shut it.”
Larry: “Hey, I may make bad jokes, but at least I
can tell the floor from a fan’s head and empty
space!”
Adam: (Laughing) “I’m glad that got on tape. On
Bono’s birthday, we should sit him down and just
play it over and over again.” (Mimicking Bono’s
fall off the heart ramp) “Looked like a cartoon! I
was expecting to see a banana peel where he was
standing!”
Larry goes back to his letters and other such gifts with
a smirk as Adam pours himself a glass of water.
Larry: (Looking up) “HEY! HEY! HEY! You’re only
supposed to use that when you HAVE to!”
Adam: (Looking up from using his powers to fill his
glass) “This coming from the man who set Bono’s
butt on fire!”
Larry: (Crossing his arms) “Oh, don’t act so
innocent! You just wish you could have done it!”
Adam: (Backtracking with a hidden smile)
“That’s not the point!” (Larry gives him a
look and Adam gets defensive) “Well, if you would
let the rest of us drink your bottles of drinking water!
I mean, that other stuff is awful!”
Larry: (Sneering) “Why do you think I don’t let
you drink my bottles? I need them for ME.”
Adam: “Brat!” (Splashes his water on Larry)
Larry: (Standing up) “Hey, WANKER!”
Adam grins as he concentrates heavily on the water all
over Larry’s lap. ‘Almost got it…’
Adam thinks. Then…
Larry: “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!” (Runs
around the room frantically, then grabs Adam by the
collar) “UNDO IT NOW!”
Adam laughs loudly as Edge walks in the room looking
ticked off.
Edge: “Larry! What are you doing???”
Larry: (Pointing at Adam angrily) “He dumped water
on my lap then froze the water in my underwear!”
(Squirming unhappily, his lip quivering and tears coming
to his eyes) “Ohhhhh…it’s so COLD!”
(Squeals loudly)
Adam: (smiling deviously) “Shrinkage!”
Edge: “ADAM! Undo it!”
Adam’s grin doesn’t move, but he undoes the
water trick. Around a whole bucket of water drops out
from the legs of Larry’s pants.
Larry shivers, glares at Adam and passively goes back to
his letters, artwork, candy and flowers. Edge, however,
looms in front of Larry.
Larry: (Looking up and shrugging) “What?”
Edge: “Is there something you’ve been keeping
from us, Larry?”
Larry: (Cheerfully) “Oh, yeah! Where should I start?
Your feet, for one thing-”
Edge: “I MEAN…anything having to do with the
red horned, fork-tailed man standing outside looking for
you with a large pitch fork in his hands?”
Adam: (Thinking Edge is joking) (Laughing) “Sounds
like Satan. Heh, heh…”
Edge: (To Adam) “Exactly!” (Glaring at Larry as
Larry sinks lower in his seat) “He said you forgot
to make an appointment this month for your
“deal”.” (Sternly) “A DEAL,
Lawrence?”
Larry: “Uhm…err…I haven’t the,
uh…slightest what you’re…you’re on
about, Edge ol’ buddy…”
Edge: (Hands on hips) “Oh, just admit!”
Larry: (Angrily) “…Fine! So what?”
Adam: “I don’t get it.”
Edge: (Turning to Adam and pointing accusingly at Larry)
“He’s been making deals with Satan to stay the
Babyface of this group!”
Adam: (Gasps) “Larry, no!”
Larry: “Oh, man…” (Runs out of room,
embarrassed, and bumping Bono as Bono enters)
Bono: (looking at Larry in surprise, then going back to
reading a poetry book a fan had passed to him earlier)
(To Edge, motioning with his thumb to the outside of the
room) “Salman Rushdie’s outside.”
Edge: “No, Bono. That’s Satan.”
Bono: (Looks up) (Confused) “There’s a
difference?”
Adam laughs and walks out after Larry. Edge sits down
with a deep sigh. Bono sits down, still immersed in his
book. Edge looks over at Bono with a scowl, and then
looks up at the ceiling, heaving another mammoth sigh.
Bono still doesn’t look up. Edge coughs loudly and
releases an overtly loud sigh. Bono takes a sip of water
and continues reading. Edge growls inwardly, walks over
to Bono and sighs right in Bono’s ear. Bono looks up
with a smile.
Bono: “Something wrong, Edge?”
Edge: (Throwing arms up) “Of course!” (Sits
down, distressed) “We’re nothing without the
lemon!”
Bono: “Now, Edge, we played just fine
tonight…”
Edge: “I know, but how much longer can that last?
The lemon is our MUSIC MOJO! And Adam can’t get home
without the lemon!”
Bono: (Glancing around nervously) “Edge,
SHOOSH…no one’s supposed to know about Adam
being…different.”
Edge: “Oh, that’s a good word for it!”
Bono: “EDGE…look, I’m as worried as you
are, really, but it’s silly to fret right now. Adam
is FINE. You know and I know that unless something
incredibly, and I mean extremely, bad and out of place
were to happen to Adam he doesn’t have to go back
home for another two years. He just went in 2000…he
won’t have to go back till 2003.”
Edge: “Yes, but what if something bad DID happen??
NASA already told me they couldn’t send Adam back to
Mars on their ships. Last time they did, the President
found out and got suspicious!”
Bono: “Edge! SHUSH!” (Lowering his voice)
“If anyone were to find out about Adam…well, at
any rate, we can’t possibly expect anything THAT
awful to happen.”
Edge: “Yes, but I still don’t like
it…”
Bono: “Neither do I, but as soon as we get a break,
we’re getting it back.”
Edge: “You can’t guarantee that.”
Bono: “EDGE. Will you stop? Eh? Larry’s the
negative one, not you.”
Larry: (Voice small and distant) “Am not!”
Bono: (Slamming the door meaningfully) “We need to
just relax…its no problem. We’ll get the damn
lemon back.”
Bono sits back down, his temper frayed and a look on his
face telling Edge it was wise to just drop it. Edge
begins to eat some of Larry’s candy as Bono goes
back to his book.
Scene
Two
Setting: [A Larger
Backstage Area] Larry is off sulking by himself at
another backstage area of the huge arena, enjoying a
glass of NORMAL, cool water. He places the glass on the
table in front of him and settles back in a chair to
continue reading some fan letters he brought with him.
Adam walks past him with a brief nod and goes into the
bathroom. Larry hears the click of the bathroom door lock
and goes back to his letters.
A few moments later, Larry gets an odd feeling: a
prickling at the back of his neck. He ignores it and
continues to stew over his letters of adoration. A minute
later and he still feels it. He looks up and then double
takes. Like a scene right out of Jurassic Park, Larry
watches, horrified, as the little rings form in his cup
of water at every vibration of the floor. The vibration
is getting heavier. He’s now hearing noises from
another area farther away within the arena. Sounds like
yelling. A crash, followed by a bloodcurdling scream
rings out. Larry’s neck snaps over toward the
direction of the noise. As a confused look graces his
gorgeous face, the vibration becomes extremely heavy,
worse than Adam’s bass, and his glass of water,
close to the edge of table, falls to the floor as the
screaming becomes louder. Larry jumps at the movement of
his glass and looks down at it in disbelief. Suddenly,
the crashing is loud as hell and about a dozen of
U2’s tour people race past Larry shouting and
screaming at the top of their lungs. Larry leaps up out
of his seat.
Larry: “You guys! What’s wrong???”
A humongous collision and screech of wall against metal
sounds behind him. Larry turns around to see the problem.
His eyes run up, up, up…his face contorts in fear,
scared stiff.
Larry: (Voice small and weak) “Oh, my
God…”
Leaping into action, Larry bolts for the room Bono and
Edge are in, yelling as loud as he can.
Larry: (looking back frantically as he is followed with
loud crashes by his pursuer) “BONO!!!!!!
EDGE!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF THERE!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
Scene
Three
Setting: [Backstage
Area of Concert Venue - same as Scene One] Edge is now
going through some of Larry’s mail, laughing at
certain points. Bono is still immersed heavily in his
book.
Suddenly, the building gives a shake and rumble. Dust
falls from the ceiling. Edge looks up at Bono as Bono
does the same. Their eyes connect as the building shakes
again and Edge raises an eyebrow at Bono.
Bono: “What the fu-”
Edge: (Clamping his hand on Bono mouth)
“Listen…you hear that?”
The building continues to vibrate, and Bono’s black
hair is now turning grey from all the dust.
Bono: (Muffled) “Hear WHAT?”
Edge: “Listen…it sounds like
Larry…”
Bono and Edge strain their ears as Larry voice comes
through the door.
Larry: (Voice becoming louder and louder as he runs up to
their door) “AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
The shaking continues. Suddenly, the walls are vibrating
and beginning to crack. Edge and Bono jump up as Larry
gets to their door. The door bursts open and Larry lunges
into the room, sliding across the floor and under a
table. Bono and Edge look, slack-jawed, at the TombRaider
monster machine as it charges toward them on it’s
four legs. The giant robot is tearing the building apart
left and right as it races toward Larry, Bono and Edge,
unable to properly fit in the narrow hall. Larry drags
them both under the table with him.
Bono opens his mouth to yell, but Larry slaps his hand
over Bono’s mouth.
Larry: (whispering as the robot charges toward them)
“I think it reacts on movement sensors, so both of
you sit perfectly STILL. And quiet!”
All three cover their heads as debris flies at them as
the robot crashes through the wall of the room, knocking
over all of Larry’s goods and making a royal mess.
They all freeze while the robot looks about the room with
its mechanical sensors as the concrete dust settles.
Bono: (Whispering) “Oh, I hope that’s
Shepard’s Pie in my in knickers…”
Larry knees Bono in the side, silencing him.
Meanwhile, a movement behind the robot has caught its
attention. It wheels around and charges the other way.
Larry: “Oh, no! ADAM! He must have come out of the
bathroom!” (Yelling) “Adam! DON’T
MOVE!”
Without thinking, Larry leaps out from under the table
and begins to throw small balls of fire, trying to get
the robot’s attention away from Adam.
Larry: (Throwing more fireballs) “Hey! HEY! Over
here, you hunk of junk! Pick on me! C’mon,
ARSEHOLE!”
Adam: (Faintly from behind the monster) “Ah,
man…even Larry can curse! That’s some *BEEP*
*BEEP*! ARRRRGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!”
The robot turns back to Larry, sparing Adam, and Larry
gulps loudly.
Larry: “I’m in trouble…”
Bono: (Crawling out from under the table) “No,
you’re not…”
Bono, eyeing the weak area of ceiling above the
robot’s head, releases a gigantic belch and his
magic powers shake the building worse than anything the
machine spider had done. The ceiling above the monster
collapses, crushing half of his huge body.
Bono: “AH-HA! YE BIG BULLY!”
The monster tries to retch itself out from under the
debris and Bono squeals, leaping back and standing up on
the table.
Bono: “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Edge crawls out from his spot right as the robot swings
at him with a free leg. Edge jumps back in time and the
monster’s leg hits the wall.
Larry: (Covering his head) “This stupid bucket of
bolts is gonna knock the whole building down on us!”
Edge: (Pausing to think) “Larry, don’t you have
super strength? C’MON! USE IT!”
Larry: “Right…” (Grabs one of the
monster’s legs and bends it into uselessness)
“Hey…don’t you have electricity???”
Edge: (A dumb look hitting his face) “Oh,
yeah.”
The monster swings at Edge once more, but again misses.
The leg thuds against the wall behind it, and the hall
leading to the room falls in. Bono, Edge and Larry hear a
loud yell and then a groan from the collapsed hallway.
Larry: (Face draining of all color) “…That was
Adam…”
Bono gasps and tears once again come to Larry’s
eyes. Edge’s face fills with anger. Sparks fly from
his limbs and his death look is firmly set in place. With
a mighty growl, he hurls bolt upon bolt of lightening at
the robot. The robot shakes and then shuts down. Its
mechanical head explodes.
Edge: “Okay, Larry, lift the robot up…GO GET
ADAM!”
Larry nods and tosses the gargantuan robot spider-like
creature aside, and begins to sift through the heavy
debris. Edge and Bono examine the robot to make sure
it’s done as Larry calls out to them.
Larry: “You guys! I found him…it…it
doesn’t look good!”
Bono and Edge rush to Larry’s side. Bono gets one
look at Adam and his baby blues fill with tears. Edge
checks for a pulse and nods.
Edge: “He still alive. Larry, get this stuff off
him…I think it’s making it hard for him to
breathe.”
Larry removes all debris off him with the delicacy he
used when picking up his newborn baby boy several months
ago. Adam coughs, but doesn’t open his eyes or say
anything.
Bono: “We have to get him to a hospital…”
Edge: (Frowning) “Bono, you know damn well we
can’t take him to a hospital. They’ll find out
he’s an alien!”
Bono: “Okay, okay…but we need to leave before
the police show up…”
Adam’s eyes open slightly. He coughs again.
Larry: (Frantically) “Adam? Adam? Can you hear me,
mate? C’mon, Sparky! Can you hear me?”
Adam: (Smiling slightly, his eyes just barely open)
(Voice rough) “I hear you, Babyface…”
Bono: “Adam, we’re gonna take you to
Paul…he’ll get you help from that one doctor
who knows about you’re…condition.”
Adam: “*BEEP* doctors…” (Laughs weakly)
“Even when I’m dying the bloody *BEEP*
won’t let me curse…”
Edge smiles as Bono chuckles. Larry stays silent.
Adam: “I’m assuming this was all
Mastermind’s…”
Larry: (Quietly) “His purpose was to probably to get
you hurt. Now we HAVE to get the lemon so we can send you
home for proper care…”
Adam: (Nodding slowly) “And you’ll have to do
whatever he wants to get the lemon back…”
Bono: “No, we’ll get it the right way,
don’t worry.”
Adam: “You better. Don’t deal with the jerk,
I’ll tellin’ ya…don’t deal with him.
There’s gotta be something bad in that box, man.
Just take what’s yours. If there’s one thing
this band has taught us it’s that you gotta take
what’s yours…” (Voice trails off) (Eyes
snap open) “I’m not going anywhere…this
band’s still good for at least twenty years and
I’m gonna be here to milk it. Go get the
lemon.”
Bono and Edge nod. Larry picks up Adam and goes to follow
Bono and Edge as they walk through a gapping hole in the
wrecked wall.
Adam: (To Larry) “Larry, promise me something.”
Larry: “What?”
Adam: “If I don’t make it…”
Larry scowls deeply.
Adam: “I said IF…if I don’t make it,
don’t be pigheaded like you always are and refuse to
ever play with another bassist. And don’t look at me
like that coz that’s just what you’ll do.
I’ve known you for more than half my life…you
can’t fool me.”
Larry: “Adam, I-”
Adam: “I mean it…you guys are too talented to
ignore it if I don’t make it. Play…for
me.”
Larry: (Nods) “…Okay. We won’t stop
playing if you’re not there.”
Adam: (Laughs) “You’re lying through your
teeth.”
Larry: (Grins) “I
know…c’mon…let’s get you to
Paul.”
*~*~*~*
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