Adventure
Five:
“The non-pineapple pineapple drink saves the
day…”
Scene
One
Setting: [Meeting
Room at the Principle Management Offices in New York]
Paul McGuiness, Keryn Kaplan [head of Principle
Management in New York], Edge, Adam and Larry are sitting
around at a large table. Larry is working diligently on a
connect-the-dots, Edge is reading an eight-volume tome on
the principles of meta-physics and Adam is arranging
everyone’s teaspoons in front of him to spell out
“ADAM”.
Paul: (Packing some papers into a brief case and looking
around at everyone for the first time) “Right. This
meeting is in session.”
Edge: (Putting down his book) “We can’t play a
gig without Bono.”
Adam: (looking up shortly) “We can’t even
rehearse without Bono.”
Paul: “What are you saying?”
Edge: (Frowning) “…WE LOST BONO.”
Paul: (Rolling his head around in agitation) “We
went through this already, haven’t we?”
Adam: (Serious) “Yes, but then it was Edge and we
didn’t mind as much.”
Edge: (Angrily) “Dookey-head!”
Adam: “Butt-munch!”
Edge: “Poopoo-face!”
Paul: “ENOUGH! We’ll get through this. Where is
the problem?”
Edge: (Annoyed) (Slowly, as if to a kindergartener)
“We…can’t…play…a…concert…without…BONO.”
Paul: “Right, I understand this…I still
don’t see the problem.”
Adam: “We can’t even REHEARSE for the concert
we can’t play without Bono.”
Keryn: “Honestly, Paul…I mean, it’s clear
as day. They can’t play without a singer.”
Larry: (Biting his tongue in concentration) “Yes,
who will prance about the stage like a git if not
Bono?”
Edge: (Sharply) “LARRY! Don’t insult gits by
comparing them to Bono.”
Larry: “Sorry.” (To Keryn) “Keryn…I
need help with this!”
Keryn: (Brow furrowing) “Larry…it’s a
connect-the-dots.”
Adam: “Keryn, you might want to help him. He is,
after all, a drummer, you know.”
Keryn: “Oh, right.”
Paul: “In any case, did I or did I not give you
something a while ago that could help you? Your magic
powers, perhaps?”
Edge: “Yes, but-”
Paul: “I suggest you go out there and use what
I’ve given you to find Bono and get him back.”
Adam: “Yes, but Paul! I mean, that requires
work!” (Snobbily) “I most CERTAINLY did NOT
come into this business to do work!”
Paul: “But you also won’t be able to pretend
that being in a band is hard work if your band is no
longer in business now can you?”
Adam: (Sighing at his spoons) “I suppose not.”
Paul: “So let’s go over the basics. When did
you last see him?”
Edge: “In that dark room in an abandoned building in
Dublin.”
Paul: “Okay…” (Writes something down)
“Now…what did the assailant look like?”
Larry: “Well, I never got a good look at him. He had
all these black robes and stuff all over him.”
Paul: (Nodding as he writes) “Mmm-hmmm…dark
figure-type bad guy. Was his voice sinister?”
Larry: (Whimpering at the memory) “Very.”
Paul: “And the letter…Mastermind’s way of
taunting you. Well, he or she has obviously got someone
on the inside, so try not to trust too many people right
now.”
Edge: “Sure.”
Paul: “So…” (Reads off paper) “A dark
sinister figure in an equally dark room of an abandoned
building in Dublin, Ireland.” (Looks up) “Sound
about right?”
Edge: “Yes, of course, but it doesn’t tell us
much.”
Paul: “Well, first thing it tells you, I think, is
that you need to get back to Dublin.”
Adam: (Decisively) “Right, let’s go guys.”
Right then, Larry cell phone rings.
Larry: (into phone) “Hello? Oh, Ali…yes,
we’re working on it. We’re doing our best to
look for…ummm…uhm…” (Covers phone
receiver) “What’s his name again?”
Edge: “BONO!”
Larry: “Oh, right!” (Into phone) “Were
doing our best to look for Bo-no…err…Bon-o.
Right. Yes? REALLY? …It has? Amazing…no,
I’ve never heard anything like it! Ehm…well,
record all it does, and hold onto it till we can get
there. We’re hopping a flight right this moment.
Yes. …Okay, Ali. Yes, of course. Only at night. If
you do, then sprinkle a little salt on it first. No,
don’t scratch it, just-” (Notices Adam and Edge
looking at him quizzically) “Uhm, I’ll talk to
you about it later, Ali. Sure. No, just a pinch of lemon
juice and a little dash of pepper. Okay. Bye.”
Edge: “Well? What’s up?”
Larry: “Apparently, Bono left the rest of that
pineapple concoction out…and it’s behaving
strangely. According to Ali, it’s been spelling out
things. And from what she can get, it’s giving us
clues to where Bono is, so we must hurry there at
once!”
Edge: “Okay, bye Paul! Keryn!”
Keryn: “Bye Boys! Good luck!”
Paul: “Yes, I’m sure you’ll need it
somewhere along the line.”
Adam: (To Larry) (As they leave) “The WHAT is doing
WHAT now?”
Scene
Two
Setting:
[Bono’s Kitchen] Ali, Edge, Adam and Larry are
leaning over the cup of the remnants of Bono’s brew.
Larry’s face is scrunched up in disgust, Adam’s
face is contorted in confusion, Edge’s portrays
complete delight and bewilderment and Ali looks at it
with a longing on her face to “tidy it away”,
much like the looks she often gives her husband when he
returns off a tour.
Edge: “Well, I’ll be damned! Look at
that!”
Larry: “That’s the most grotesque thing
I’ve seen next to Edge taking his sweat socks off
after hiking all day.”
Adam: “That *BEEP* is some *BEEP*-up *BEEP*!”
(Looks around) “What the *BEEP*?? Why am I being
bleeped out??? That stupid, mother *BEEP*, punk-*BEEP*
writer!”
Edge: (laughing) “That’s some funny shit!”
Adam: “Hey! How come you can curse, but I
can’t??? What the *BEEP* is that? ARGH! I can’t
even say *BEEP*??? This *BEEP*! Aw, c’mon! *
BEEP* is NOT a bad word! Grrrrr………..I will
*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* you *BEEP*! I outta kick your
*BEEP*!!! You
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!”
Larry: “LOOK! LOOK! It’s starting up again!
Edge, jot this down!”
The pineapple-less pineapple “drink” begins to
bubble and froth again. Suddenly, a mound of beans and
cucumber bits float to the top in a large lump and shift
to form a word.
Larry: “First word…Bono…”
The mound shifts as Edge begins to write.
Larry: “Second word
is…is…ready…to…catch…a…”
(Pauses, then continues)
“Wind…in…the…windy…city…off…the…largest…building…”
(Looks at Edge) “It’s cleared.”
Edge: “Okay. ‘Bono is ready to catch a wind in
the windy city off the largest building’.”
Larry: “Right. Where’s that?”
Edge: “I’m not good at this kinda
stuff…”
Adam: (Quickly) “It’s quite simple, really. The
Sears Tower, the largest building in the world, is
contained within the downtown region of the grand city of
Chicago in the “State of Lincoln”: Illinois,
USA. The city Chicago is also known as the “Windy
City” for it’s heavy, and often times, frigid
breezes. As we all know, Chicago has really only two
seasons: summer and winter. However, despite this
sometimes-troublesome trait, Chicago holds wonders upon
wonders, from its lively Navy Pier to its wondrous Shedd
Aquarium to its awe-inspiring Art Institute. ”
The other three stare blankly at Adam. Adam shrugs.
Adam: “I like to travel, okay?”
Edge: “Alright, Ali, we’re off to Chicago.
Don’t throw that away! And call us on Larry’s
phone if it turns up any more clues.”
Ali: “Okay. Bye Boys.”
Adam: (To Larry) (As they leave) “Why does everyone
keep calling us ‘boys’? It kinda *BEEP* me
off.”
Scene
Three
Setting: [Sears
Tower, Chicago] As Edge looks around the top floor of the
Sears Tower hopefully, Larry and Adam are doing that
little thingy where you step up on the rail and lean your
head against the window and look down.
Larry: “Wow…I think I can see The Art Institute
from here!”
Adam: “You can’t see The Art Institute from
this high up, Larry! …Oh, look! There’s a
pigeon in the middle of the road down there…”
Edge: “You guys should be helping me look!”
Adam: “You’re right, we should be.”
Larry: “Definitely.”
They continue what they were doing. Edge scowls.
Larry’s cell phone rings.
Larry: (getting down from railing) “’Ello? Ali!
Yes…yes, yes…hold on…Edge! Get a pen and
paper!” (Into phone)
“Uh-huh…okay…yeah, he’s
ready…first word:
Look…in…the…place…where…no…person…has…been…it’s
still going? Okay…next line:
this…place…is…for…the…birds.
Okay, thanks Ali. Yeah, just a dash of meat tenderizer
should do the trick. Okay, bye.”
Edge: “Alright…so…‘Look in the place
where no person has been. This place is for the
birds.’ Damn.”
Adam: “What?”
Edge: “Isn’t it obvious? Bono’s pineapple
muck was talking about the roof!”
Larry: (Mortified) “You mean, the OUTSIDE part of
the roof?”
Edge: “You know of an inside part?”
Adam: “This doesn’t sound like fun at
all.”
Edge: “No. No, it doesn’t.”
Larry: (Outraged) “I’m not going on the roof of
the Sears Tower.”
Edge: “Larry…we don’t have a choice.”
(Sighs) “Let’s go…”
They walk into the elevator.
Adam: (To Larry) (As the elevator door closes)
“We’re doing WHAT on the WHERE now?”
Larry: “Adam…you’re slow.”
Adam: (Downcast) “…I know.” (Sniffles)
“I can’t read or write!”
Edge: (Surprised) “Really?”
Adam: (Shrugs) “No.”
Edge: (Confused look as doors shut) “Oh.”
Scene
Four
Setting: [Roof of
the Sears Tower] Edge, Adam and Larry are looking over
the side of the Sears Tower.
Larry: (getting a sick look on his face) “You know,
I think I really DO see that pigeon you were talking
about, Adam.”
Edge: (Looking around) “NOW what do we do?”
Adam: “Check about, I suppose.”
As the three look around the rooftop, Larry cell phone
rings. Edge immediately pulls out paper and pen.
Larry: “Ali? What’s up? Okay…yeah,
he’s ready. Okay…here we go:
Time…to…take…Adam’s…nickname…to…heart.
Next line:
Use…the…antennae…to…get…your…B-man.
That’s it? Thanks Ali! You’ve been a wonderful
help. Right…yes, just carry the one and multiply
that by five. Uh-huh…uhm, mammals, fungi and
plants…you know the rest, then? No, dolphins are
mammals and sharks are fish. Okay…okay. Bye,
Ali.”
Edge: “Okay, now we’re looking at: ‘Time
to take Adam’s nickname to heart. Use the antennae
to get your B-man.’ I don’t know what to make
of this one.”
Larry: “Well…Adam’s nickname is Fart,
so…”
Adam: “No, no, Larry…I think they mean my OTHER
nickname.”
Larry: “Oh…uhhhh…Sparky then.”
Edge: “That’s the one. And let’s
see…take it to heart…that means to take it
literally, doesn’t it?”
Larry: “Yes, so…sparky…spark…SPARKS!
Electricity! Edge! You’re to use your electricity on
the antennae at the top of this mammoth building!”
Adam: “Sounds about right. Give it a try,
Edge.”
Edge nods and looks at the antennae. He holds up his
hands and sparks fly. Bolts of electricity shoot out of
Edge’s fingertips and connect with the giant
antennae. With a big *Poof* Bono is sitting before them,
sprawled out and confused. His hair is standing on end,
as are his eyebrows.
Larry: (Jumping Bono in over excitement)
“BONO!”
Bono falls backwards as Larry jumps on him.
Bono: (Muffled in Larry’s hug) “Yes,
Larry…okay, mate. I’m fine, I’m
fine.”
Adam: “Bono, what did they do to you there?
Who’s the Mastermind? Did you see him?”
Edge: “How come they only wanted you? Did they hurt
you?”
Bono: (Pushing Larry off) “One at a time, one at a
time!”
Larry: “What did they do to you? Where were
you?”
Bono: “I can’t tell you much. For some reason I
was so tired that I had a hard time keeping my eyes open
the whole time. I remember the dark figure and I remember
hearing a really loud booming voice with a Ha, ha, ha, ha
kinda laugh.”
Edge: “The Mastermind!”
Bono: “I think so. And I had this odd feeling I
wasn’t in Ireland. I think it was somewhere in
America.”
Adam: “Then how come they only wanted you?”
Bono: “It seems that they needed to open a box with
something in it. But according to the riddle to open it,
which I overheard, they needed a “Bonavox” to
sing to it for it to open. Who better to do than the
Bono Vox himself?”
Edge: “Then why don’t they make an evil clone
and use that one?”
Bono: “It sounded like they had, but the box
hadn’t been fooled. It wouldn’t work for them.
I believe that was the real reason they were trying to
get your DNA. I think in order to get this box open they
need help from all of us. Now they’re mad because
the clones didn’t work and are trying to pester us
with the same clones until we give up and help them. At
least, that’s what they told me.”
Larry: “So he had those clones lie to us about what
they were doing with Edge’s DNA?”
Bono: “No, I think they really thought the
Mastermind was going to let them be rock stars. Too bad
for them.”
Adam: “So now he’s just sending them out to
bother us.”
Bono: “Right.”
Edge: “You didn’t sing for them did you?”
Bono: “Well, normally I’ll sing for just about
anything, but this time around I thought it wise not to
open my yapper.”
Adam: “Good thinking, Bono.”
Edge: “Here’s what we have to do. We have to
discover who in our little circle gave him your DNA. Then
we have to find out who the Mastermind is and find
him.”
Bono: “Right…so how’d you guys get me back
anyway?”
Adam: “Your pineapple drink told us.”
Bono: “…Did it?”
Adam: “It did.”
Bono: “…It was the beans and cucumber mixture
wasn’t it?”
Adam: “I believe so, though I have a sneaking
suspicion it might have had something to do with the
chocolate ice cream as well.”
Bono: “Either that or the orange juice.”
Adam: “Oh, yes! That bloody orange juice!”
Bono: “Thank God I didn’t put the Tang in it or
you might have had a much different situation on your
hands.”
Adam: (In agreement) “Threatening to mankind,
I’d say.”
Larry’s cell phone rings again.
Larry: “Oh, hi Ali…no, no we got him back and -
What??? Who did??? You don’t know? Oh, shit!”
Adam: “How come you can say *BEEP*???
Grrrrr…”
Bono: (Smiling) “Oh, Mandi’s started to bleep
you now?”
Adam: “*BEEP* her!”
Bono: “I told you to watch your mouth around
her…she’s very picky about what she
writes.”
Adam: “Yes, but Edge swears left and right!”
Edge: “That’s a load of shit, you damn
liar!”
Larry: (to Adam, Edge and Bono) “SUSH!” (Into
phone) “Yes, yes…I know…okay. We’re
going to go see Paul now. Why didn’t he call us? Oh,
dear…Okay, Ali, okay…Ali, RELAX. It’s
alright. I know; I know…we’ll be right
there!!” (Snaps phone closed) “Now we have a
serious problem!”
Edge: “What is it???”
Larry: “The bastard has stolen the LEMON!”
Bono: “Right out of Adam’s back yard???”
Larry: “Apparently.”
Adam: (Furious) “That’s it! They can make fun
of Larry’s crying!” (Fresh tears come to
Larry’s eyes) “They can kidnap Edge!”
(Edge scowls) “But they CANNOT steal MY LEMON!!!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! And I’m NOT talking about the
horrendous hair band we blew away with The Joshua Tree
back in 1987 along with the likes of Bon Jovi and Def
Leppard!”
Edge: “God, I can’t believe anyone even
remembers them…”
Larry: (Sobbing) “Our
lemon…WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Bono: (Patting Larry’s back) “There,
there…I know, it hurts.” (Looking up at Edge)
“This is the last straw. NO ONE takes the lemon.”
Edge: (As an after thought) “Hey, Larry…why
couldn’t Paul call us and tell us what
happened?”
Larry: (Between sniffles) “He fainted when he
realized it was gone.”
Adam: (Eyes squinting menacingly) “The Mastermind
just signed his own death certificate.”
Edge: “Larry, where did Paul say he was?”
Larry: (Bawling) “Adam’s house!”
Edge: (Cradling a limp Larry) “Let’s go
guys…this means war!”
Bono: “Right on, Bugs Bunny! Let’s hop a plane
and check out the scene of the tragedy!”
Adam: (Glancing at Bono) “Did the Mastermind give
you anything to drink, by chance Bono?”
Bono: “Just a little Guinness…” (Motions
his arms wide at the amount he was given) “Though it
tasted a bit off…” (Hiccups and the ground
shakes) “Just hitting me now…earlier it made me
sleepy as a baby…Guinness is some psychedelic
sh-”
Adam: (Collapsing to the ground) “BONO! You were
poisoned, idiot!”
Bono: (Slurred) “Oh, yeaaaaaaahhhhhh…NOW
it’s hittin’ me…WHOOOOO!”
Edge: (Disgruntled as he lifts up himself and Larry,
[whom has worn himself out crying and fallen asleep])
“Oh, for God’s sake…Let’s go!”
(Eyes widening) “Bono! Get away from the edge!”
Bono: (Giggling) “You know, that’s the same
thing your mother used to tell me about you!”
Adam yanks Bono away from the rooftop edge by his arm.
They exit the rooftop to go avenge their beloved lemon,
Bono singing the Monkees theme once again and Larry
making slurping noises as he sucks his thumb while he
sleeps. Adam looks over solemnly at Edge and Edge looks
out at the open sky quietly before leaving the rooftop.
Adam heaves one loud sigh before shutting the roof door
behind him.
*~*~*~*
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