Adventure
Four:
“Larry’s strip-tease…or is it?”
Scene
One
Setting:
[Bono’s Kitchen] Bono is standing at a marble
counter in the middle of his black and white kitchen. He
is surrounded by what seems to be a miniature chemistry
set. Bottles and pitchers of pop, water, syrup, pineapple
juice and other unidentifiable liquids are scattered all
over the counters and stirring rods, empty glasses and
even a lighted Bunsen burner are also cluttering the
usually spacious kitchen.
Bono is working furiously, his brow furrowed with the
determination of someone trying to decipher lyrics to any
song sung by Bob Dylan. Right as he lifts a bottle of a
blue sticky semi-liquid into an empty glass, a one and a
half year old crawls past quickly, knocking Bono’s
legs and causing him to accidentally drop the bottle. The
sappy liquid splats on the counter and floor, then beings
to bubble and pop with small explosions. Bono swears
softly then yells at the rushing child.
Bono: “ELIJAH BOB PATRICUS GUG -
umm…er…WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS! SLOWLY!”
(Looks around at mess) “Oh, shite…”
Bono scowls at the spilled blue untidiness right as Edge
and Adam come waltzing in, Edge adjusting his beanie and
Adam daggling a fresh ciggie from his mouth.
Edge: (frowning at his snappy new cowboy boots as he
steps in blue goo) “Ugh! What IS this stuff?”
Bono: “I’m not sure, but it’s a lovely
shade of ultramarine, don’t you think?”
Edge: (looking at counter worriedly) “Is it suppose
to make marble stone fizz and bubble like that?”
Bono shrugs, wiping off the mess with a large dishtowel.
Adam: “Well, what happened?”
Bono: “I think it was a child that bumped me, but
I’m having the hardest of times telling the little
ones from the dogs these days…”
Edge: “Perhaps you should stop multiplying at the
speed of light then.”
Bono: (To Edge) “You have no right to talk,
“Mr.
I-have-an-unyielding-fear-of-suddenly-becoming-impotent”.”
Edge: (Ruffled and obviously annoyed) “Are you
suggesting that I have too many children??”
Bono: “I’m not suggesting
anything…I’m SAYING you do. Edge, you know you
have too many children when they have to wear name tags
for you.”
Edge: “At least my children don’t start to cry
when you ask them to write their full name!”
Adam: (Interrupting Bono as he opens his mouth to
retaliate) “At any rate…” (Sitting down on
a stool at the counter) “So what are you DOING
anyway?”
Bono: (Throwing his finger in the air dramatically)
“I am making the ultimate pineapple
drink!”
Adam: (Putting his head in his hands) “Oh,
no…”
Bono: “Edge, could you go get some stuff outta the
fridge for me?”
Edge rolls his eyes and walks over to the large
refrigerator. He swings it’s huge door open and
looks around it.
Edge: “What exactly do you need?”
Bono: (absently as he concentrates on precariously
pouring a large amount of a pink liquid into a tiny shot
glass) “Um, a bottle of Guinness, a cucumber, some
grapes and some chocolate ice cream.” (After a short
pause) “Oh, and some strawberry jelly and left over
baked beans.”
Edge: (stumbling to the kitchen counter, overloaded with
Bono’s requests) “You’re not seriously
going to put this stuff in the drink, are you???”
Bono: (as if it’s common knowledge) “These are
my favorite foods!”
Edge: (throwing food down in front of Bono, puffing)
“Yes, but not TOGETHER, Bono!”
Bono shrugs and begins to mix all the dubious ingredients
together in a large blender. Edge makes a disgusted face
as a large bubble forms on the top of the odd concoction.
As Adam glances over Bono’s shoulder at it in pure
curiosity, the bubble pops, splattering cucumber, jelly
and blue goo on Adam’s glasses.
Edge: (looking down at his beer and beans sprayed tee
shirt) “Oh, how putrid! Bono, HONESTLY!”
Bono ignores him and turns the blender on. The blender
shakes with loud groans, but makes it through the ordeal.
Bono pops off the lid without incident.
Bono: (Scowling at mixture) “This is gonna taste
awful-”
Edge: (Interrupting) “Now he concludes this!”
Bono: (Disgruntled) “Well, of course! You can’t
have the perfect drink without any orange juice!”
(Demanding) “EDGE! GET ME SOME ORANGE JUICE!”
Edge: (Making a throw up motion, but opening the fridge
anyway) (Rummaging around) “Uhhhh…all I see is
Tang…” (Poking his head out shortly)
“Bono, why would you put packets of Tang in the
fridge?” (Shakes his head) “Anyway, I
don’t see any…”
Bono: (Sighs, annoyed, and walks over to the fridge to
help Edge look) “You’re not looking hard
enough!”
Edge and Bono shove around the fridge, Bono whistling and
Edge swearing under his breath. Bono comes out
triumphant, orange juice in hand. Right as they close the
fridge a deafeningly loud belch resounds behind them.
Bono and Edge whirl around to see most of Bono’s
concoction gone and Adam sporting a baked bean mustache
and sick look.
Edge: (Mortified) “You didn’t DRINK that thing
did you???”
Adam: (Shrugs nonchalantly) “It has a certain je ne
sais qoui…”
[Editor’s note: for those of you who don’t
know, “je ne sais qoui” is French for “I
don’t know what”.]
Edge: “That’s because we really DON’T know
what’s in it, Sparky!”
Adam: (wiping his face) “Only one problem with it
Bono.”
Bono: “What’s that?”
Adam: (Pointing at a pitcher of yellow liquid on the
counter) “You forgot the pineapple.”
Bono: (Swearing) “Fudgemabudgit!”
Suddenly Bono looks around; realizing one member of the
infamous group is missing.
Bono: “Where’s Larry?”
Adam: “We haven’t the slightest. He’s been
quite difficult to find since Ann and the kids went to
visit her sister.”
Edge: “I’m beginning to worry about him, to be
honest. I haven’t heard him listen to Elvis in a
week. And his hair has been a bit messy lately, have you
noticed?”
Bono: “I have.”
Edge: “Funniest thing, too…he keeps talking to
himself…ablight, he did that before, but this time
it’s like he’s talking to someone else, not
just himself…someone named Master, from what
I’ve gathered.”
Adam: (nodding) “Ever since we got back from our
trip to New York for SNL and the Irving Plaza club gig,
he’s been strange. Can you believe that yesterday he
said to me that he wasn’t really looking forward to
touring??”
Bono: (Gasps) “Not like Larry at all! I’ve also
come to notice that he’s not been playing his usual
jokes and pranks on us. My remote controls have been
working no problem!”
Edge and Adam shake their heads, tsk-tsking.
Adam: “And my car tires haven’t been slashed in
weeks!”
Edge and Bono throw him quizzical looks and Adam frowns.
Adam: “You mean he doesn’t do that to you?
Well, God da-”
Bono: “AT ANY RATE…we should find him and ask
what’s wrong.”
Adam: (bites his lip) “…It might have been me.
I said some stuff about him being courageous an’
all…you know how he can’t take a
compliment…”
Edge: “No, no, that can’t be it. This has to be
much more serious. I mean, for God’s sake Adam, his
motorcycle is actually collecting DUST! And he’s
been so talkative! Something severe is off beam.”
Suddenly Bono’s phone rings. Everyone freezes and
Bono bolts for the phone. However, a speedy preteen beats
him to it.
Bono: “Blast! She can’t run in gym, but heaven
forbid I should get to the phone before she does!”
Jordan: (Into phone) “Hello? Oh, hi Uncle
Paul…yeah, Da’s here. Hold on.” (She
grudgingly hands Bono the phone) “Don’t stay on
too long, I’m expecting a phone call!”
Bono: “Jo-jo, we have two lines!”
Jordan: “I know. I’m expecting two
phone calls.”
Edge: (Sarcastically) “I love teenagers.”
Adam: (Cheerfully) “Oh, is that why you have so many
of them, then?”
Bono: (Into phone) “Hello, Paul?” (Makes a
face) “He’s WHAT? WHAT!!! Are you sure??? Not
Larry! Well, what did he do?
…Uh-huh…yeah…damn, he did THAT? LARRY
did?”
Edge: “What is it?”
Adam: “Bono, what’s wrong with Larry???”
Bono: (into phone) “But that can’t be!
Larry’s the straight-lace of the group! …Yeah,
I’ll be right there…we all will.
Okay…Paul, BREATHE. No, I didn’t say smoke, I
said breathe - okay, fine, have a smoke for all I
care…we’ll be right there.”
Adam: “Bono, WHAT IS IT?”
Bono: (Grimly) “Larry’s in jail.”
Edge & Adam: “HE’S WHAT???”
Bono: (Nods) “Yes, apparently he’s had quite a
day. He took out his motorcycle, nearly ran over an old
lady, high jacked a taxi-”
Adam: “But that’s my job!”
Bono: “I know! And then he drove to the police
station and reportly started doing a strip tease on the
desk of a female police officer! They have him in
custody. Paul wants us to come down and help him bail
Larry out.”
Adam: “Well, no wonder we couldn’t find him! He
was seducing a police officer!”
Edge: “What is his problem! The press is going to
have a field day with this!”
Adam: “Well, then let’s not leave him in there,
eh?”
Scene
Two
Setting:
[Dark Room] Larry is sitting on the floor, asleep against
a dingy wall. His hands are tied behind his back. He has
a freshly bleeding cut on his arm, a nasty bump on his
head and a bum ankle. He wheezes softly. The room is dark
and the only light comes from one singular red light
bulb. A heavy steel door and thick cement walls cut Larry
off from the outside.
He wakes slowly. He moans quietly as what little light in
the room shoots like daggers into his eyes. The room is
spinning and his leg is sending a searing pain up his
body.
Larry: (somewhat slurred from a busted bottom lip)
“Oh, God…my leg…” (Winces)
“Forget my leg, my HEAD…”
He tries to use his fire abilities to burn the rope
through, but his head is pounding. He is too weak.
Suddenly the steel door slides open and a large dark
figure walks in. Larry recognizes the figure immediately
and begins to squirm. His eyes fill with tears.
Larry: “No, please…don’t hurt me
again!”
With one solid punch, Larry is out like a light.
Scene
Three
Setting:
[Police Station] Bono is standing in front of a cell.
Larry is sitting behind its bars, smiling crookedly at
Bono. A policeman enters, followed by Paul, Edge and
Adam.
Bono: (Clutching the bars) (To Larry) “Have an
interesting day, Larry?”
Larry: (Shadows playing on his gorgeous features)
“Oh, my day’s just begun to get
interesting.”
Bono frowns at the comment, as the policeman brushes him
aside to unlock the cell door.
Policeman: “You’re lucky that these guys are
rich enough to get you out of here, buddy.”
Larry: (cockily) “And I suppose I’m also lucky
that the policewoman liked my little strip tease so much
that she didn’t press harassment charges, eh old
chum?”
The policeman sighs and looks back at Paul.
Policeman: (Angrily) “This guy has no remorse
whatsoever. If he says one more word to tick me off, he
stays in there.”
Paul: (Hastily) “Larry, shut your mouth!”
Larry: (Slyly) “Oh, come off it, Paul…this guy
loves me, isn’t that right Mr. Policeman?”
Bono: “LARRY! Shut it.”
Larry stops talking, but retains his smug sideways smile.
The policeman lets him out and Larry strolls past all
five of them, whistling.
Bono: (Whispering to Adam) “What the hell was
that???”
Adam: (Looking toward where Larry walked out as Edge,
Paul and the policeman leave) “I don’t know,
but it wasn’t Larry.”
Scene
Four
Setting:
[Bono’s car] Bono is driving, (if that’s what
you’d like to call what he’s doing), Edge and
Adam are clinging to each other in the back, green faced,
and Larry is sitting next to Bono, singing out loud along
with Boyzone on the radio, his arm sticking out the car
window.
Bono: (turning violently and bringing Edge to dry heaves)
“I still don’t understand it! What were you
THINKING?”
Larry: (Sticking his head out the window) “I was
just having a little fun…adventure, you know?
What’s wrong with YOU guys…since when have we
taken everything so seriously?”
Bono: “Larry, don’t start! Who was the first
one to scold Adam when he got arrested?”
Larry: “I don’t know, but I’m guessing it
was one of you jackasses.”
Bono: (Glaring at him open-mouthed) “It was YOU.
Don’t you remember?”
Larry: (Laughs) “Funny, doesn’t sound like
me.”
Bono: “No, it doesn’t…at least not who you
are now.”
Larry: “You know what the best part was? I nearly
got arrested for indecent exposure too!” (Yells
outside the car) “Wooooooooooo Hooooooooooo!”
(To Adam and Edge) “Wouldn’t that have been a
tale to tell the groupies?” (Laughs and reaches over
to smack any already gagging Edge on the back)
Edge: “Ugh…groupies? Larry, you have a
girlfriend and children!”
Adam: “Yeah, those are my groupies!” (Becoming
more serious at a sharp look from Edge) “Larry, I
know I don’t have a right to talk with my past, but
I thought you were better than that.”
Larry: “Bah!”
Bono: (Sighs and decides to change the subject)
“Larry, there’s an Elvis tape in there, if
you’d like to pop it in.”
Adam: (Snorts) “Stupid question, Bono.”
Larry: “Actually, I’ll pass…the DJ says
there’s a Backstreet Boys song up next.”
Adam: “WHAT?”
Larry: “I said no thanks.”
Bono brakes the car suddenly, jolting everyone and
sending Edge’s stomach into hysterics. Horns of cars
behind them honk loudly.
Bono gets out of the car and walks around to Larry’s
side. He opens the door and pulls Larry out of the car by
the collar of his shirt as Edge and Adam yell out in
protest. Bono lands a swift punch square in Larry’s
nose and Larry falls back with a yelp.
Adam: (Pulling Edge out of the car with him)
(Frantically) “BONO! What are you DOING???”
Bono: “Fixing a problem!” (Kicks Larry and
Larry lets out a loud groan, rolling over on the
pavement)
Edge: “Bono, STOP!”
Adam: “Beating him up won’t fix what he
did!”
Bono: “No it won’t…but it makes me feel
better!” (To Larry) “You frocking
imposter!”
Edge: (Softly) “Imposter??”
Bono: “Yes, of course! Why else would he be acting
like this! This isn’t Larry! We’ve got ANOTHER
evil clone on our hands!” (Glaring at Larry)
“More like a spy!”
Evil Larry: (Smiling slyly) “Very good,
Bono…you’re much smarter than these two.
You’ve known all along, haven’t you?”
Bono: “I wasn’t quite sure, but…I mean, I
am the closest to Larry and you’re a bad
impersonator. Larry doesn’t act anything like you.
He quiet and thoughtful where you’ve been shallow
and obnoxious…so on, so forth. You wouldn’t
come close to an Oscar.”
Evil Larry: “I know…if you haven’t figured
out by now, I was trying to-”
Bono: (Interrupting) “Slander Larry’s name; I
guessed as much.”
Edge: “Well, then where’s the REAL Larry?”
Evil Larry: (Smile widening) “Up with the satellites
in the sky…”
Adam: (Grabbing Evil Larry forcefully by the arm and
putting a fist in front of his face) “That’s my
little buddy you’ve got! Tell me now or I’ll
turn your model-material handsome face to pulp!”
Evil Larry: “It doesn’t matter what you do!
I’ve served my purpose!”
Edge: “Either you tell us where he is or I’m
zapping your booty!”
Evil Larry: (Frantically) “Okay! Okay! I’ll
spill, I’ll spill…”
Scene
Five
Setting:
[Dark Room] The steel door once again slides open and
Larry immediately goes into hysterics.
Larry: “No, not again! Please, no!”
Dark Figure: “What? You don’t want me to save
you?”
Larry: “OH! Bono!”
Bono: “It’s okay…just be quiet…I had
to sneak in here!”
Larry: “Where’s Edge and Sparky?”
Bono: “Outside with the get away car…God, you
look awful!”
Larry: “At least my nose doesn’t-”
Bono: (Covering Larry’s mouth with his hand)
“That’s enough out of you.”
Voice: “Yes, for the silent type, he certainly talks
a lot.”
Bono whirls around to see a dark figure and Larry begins
to yell loudly.
Larry: “Bono! RUN! That’s the guy who did all
this to me!”
Bono: “In that case…” (He puffs up his
chest) “I’ll stay.”
Larry: “Bono, this is not a time to be brave!
RUN!”
Bono: (glancing at Larry) “It’s not???”
(Looking around worriedly) “Damn!” (Clawing at
the walls) “How do I get out of here???”
Larry: “Bono, I was just saying that to say it! SAVE
ME, DAMMIT! SAVE ME!”
Bono: “Oh…right.”
Dark Figure: “You all really are a laugh riot. Too
stupid to know when you’re best friend is missing,
too ignorant to use the cell phone in your pocket to call
for help.”
Bono: (Glaring at Larry) “WHAT?”
Larry: (looking down at his pocket) “Oh,
yeah…forgot that was in there.”
Bono: “YOU IDIOT! We could have saved you AGES
ago!”
Larry: “Well, I am a blond!”
Dark Figure: “Now, now boys…don’t
fight.”
Suddenly Larry binds are gone. Larry looks down at his
freed hands, surprised. Bono frowns.
Bono: “Why are you letting us go?”
Dark Figure: “Oh, I’m not letting YOU go. Just
Larry.”
With that the Dark Figure grabs Bono by the wrist and
they both disappear, leaving behind only Larry,
Bono’s shades and a large piece of gold cloth.
Larry: (Leaping up on his bad leg) “NO! BONO!”
(He picks up the shades) “Oh, damn…when will
this end!” (He notices the cloth and hobbles over to
it) “What the hell is this?” (He holds it up
and as before his face draws into a nasty scowl)
“Damn him!”
It is a gold spandex body suit. There is another letter
attached. It reads:
Dear
Larry,
Hello,
Mastermind here again. Oh, how I’ve missed torturing
you all! And you will be pleased to know that a Larry
clone has been keeping up and making
“appearances” for you, as they say. Made a trip
to the police station just earlier today! At any rate,
you have been making friends with MY magical person now
haven’t you? Isn’t he pleasant? And oh,
no…now he has your singer. It seems it’s now
YOUR turn to sing “I Still Haven’t Found What
I’m Looking For”, because I guarantee you
won’t. You may have foiled me twice, but in your
case three times is not a charm. I hope you got in your
tearful, (as we know, EVERYTHING with you is tearful),
goodbyes with your charismatic front man. You won’t
be seeing him again anytime soon. Too bad Adam was too
busy smoking and Edge was too preoccupied with a book on
the many uses of butter cream in the car to have helped
dear old B-Man. Tsk-tsk…if I were you, I’d get
more efficient friends. Oh, look, here the loafers come
now…
Adam and Edge burst in.
Honestly, they always come at the last minute don’t
they? Well, cheers on finding Bono. Though I think that
wishing you luck won’t do any good. This game
isn’t about luck anymore. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Hugs
and Kisses, your archenemy,
The
Mastermind
Larry:
“Damn, he’s done it again!”
Edge: “What is it? Where’s Bono??”
Larry holds up the superhero spandex outfit and tosses
him the letter. Edge groans as Adam fusses over an
irritated Larry.
Adam: “Let me…heal…your
wounds…LARRY!”
Larry: “Adam! Edge, make him stop!”
Edge: “Larry, let him help you! You’re
bleeding!”
Larry begins to whine.
Edge: “Larry Joseph Mullen Jun-” (He stops as
Larry stares at him blankly) “It’s not the same
unless Bono does it, is it?”
Adam shakes his head and Larry begins to bawl. Adam pats
him on the back, teary-eyed himself. Edge kicks the wall
in frustration.
Edge: (Yelling) “YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH
THIS!”
Small Voice: “Yes, I will!”
Edge growls angrily and lifts Larry bodily up off the
ground.
Edge: “Let’s get out of here and get our singer
back.”
Adam: (As they leave) “Now, if it were you, you
could just take off your shoes and we could smell our way
to you…”
Edge: “Adam, shut up.”
Adam: “Or if it was Larry, he could cry and we could
follow the sound!”
Edge: “Will you shut up???”
Adam: “Or maybe we’ll be able to see
Bono’s nose from here!”
Edge: “SHUT IT OR I’M TAKING YOUR SPOONS!”
Adam: “Alright! I’ll shut up!”
*~*~*~*
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