Adventure
Three:
“All my love, your archenemy…”
Scene
One
Setting:
[Larry’s Bathroom] Behind a foggy shower door, Larry
is belting out ‘Beautiful Day’ and swiftly
ruining one of U2’s best songs ever. His voice
cracks at the chorus, but he continues to butcher it. The
water shuts off and Larry’s arm reaches out from the
slightly open shower door to search for a towel by feel.
He comes close to grasping a white fluffy towel, but
instead grabs a shinning piece of cloth. He pulls it in
the shower and lets out a loud yelp.
Larry: “What the hell is this thing?”
His arm reaches out again and he yanks the white towel
into the shower.
A moment later his strolls out of the shower, the towel
wrapped around his waist and a perplexed look on his
face. He inspects the cloth in front of the mirror. A
note is attached to the metallic fabric. It reads:
Dear Larry,
It is best you give up now and accept defeat. I shall not
be overcome! Victory is mine! U2 shall never come close
to getting me with Edge’s feet repulsing everyone
within twenty meters, Bono talking people’s ears off
about pineapples, Adam being too worried about picking up
gorgeous women and you blubbering at every little thing
that goes astray. I will not give up and eventually you
will be forced to bow to me! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I have been informed of your “super powers”.
Though I admit I don’t know the full details, I am
not frightened of you and you cannot stop me. Until we
meet again, I’ve attached some cute little superhero
clothes to match with your superhero image, and, like
ZooTV, it is all JUST an image. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hee,
hee, hee!
All my
love, your nemesis,
The
Mastermind
Larry scowls and
holds up the shiny silver fabric, trying to decipher what
it is. Finally his face draws a nasty grimace.
Larry: “What kind of sick perverted man would send a
macho, motorcycle lovin’ dude like me silver hot
pants?” (Face darkens menacingly) “He must be
stopped!”
Scene
Two
Setting: [Clarence
Hotel, Dublin Ireland] In a private dining room, U2 plus
manager Paul McGuiness discuss the note found in
Larry’s lavatory. Larry is fighting with Bono over
Larry’s many bottles of pure drinking water. Adam
is, (of course), smoking and Edge is studying the note
and attached hot pants with Paul.
Larry: “It’s MY water! Get your own!”
Bono: (Pouting) “I don’t want to get my own!
Why should I when yours is right here??”
Larry: (Wailing) “I don’t care! MINE, MINE,
MINE!!!”
Larry easily wrestles a bottle out of Bono’s pudgy
fingers with his super human strength, but Bono
determinedly snatches it back. Larry’s face suddenly
goes blank and then he smiles widely as Bono frantically
puts out a small fire on his sleeve.
Adam: “LARRY! None of that, remember?!”
Larry: (Grinning ear to ear) (To Adam) “So sorry
mate.” (Takes back the bottle of water)
Bono: (Whining) “WHERE am I gonna get some??”
Adam: (Thoroughly exhausted with the two) “Bono, are
you or aren’t you a rock star and the partial owner
of the hotel? Go bitch for some to someone who
cares!”
Bono brightens at this thought and with a snap of his
fingers he has a water bottle placed in front of him.
Larry scowls at it and then his eyes bug.
Larry: “They took that from MY personal collection
brought in from the springs in the Rocky Mountains!
Frocking wankers!”
Bono: (Guzzling heavily and loudly)
“Mmmmm…that’s good stuff.”
Edge: “Shut it, guys! Okay, Paul…what do you
get of this?”
Paul puffs his cigarette with great professional air,
leans back his seat with a manly grunt and rubs his
baldhead a second. Then he speaks.
Paul: “Well, by his or hers description of you guys,
they know you pretty well.”
Edge: (Touchily) “They most certainly do NOT! My
feet resemble fresh daisies!”
Larry, Adam and Bono snort loudly as Edge flashes them
dirty looks.
Larry: (Nodding at Edge’s sour puss) “And I DO
NOT blubber at every chance I get!”
Bono: “Oh yes you do Mister I-Hate-Pineapples!
Speaking of pineapples, who wants some? I love
pineapples! Pineapples are just the greatest, even if
dumb Babyface Mullen over here doesn’t like
them-”
Larry: (Crying) “WAAAAHHH!!! Bono, I hate you!”
(Sticks his tongue out at Bono, tears swelling in his
blue eyes)
Adam: “And I most certainly don’t-” (Stops
in mid sentence to watch an attractive waitress walk by)
“Have a priority of women over anything!”
Paul rolls his eyes and continues.
Paul: “Anyway…it seems that this person has
somehow found out about your powers too.” (Puts the
note down and looks at the four with a deep frown)
“Which one of you blabbed?” (Eyes Bono)
They all look at each other watchfully; expect Bono, who
looks guiltily up at the ceiling.
Paul: (Closes his eyes in annoyance) “BONO…who
did you tell? Do you even know who you
told?”
Bono: (Flinching) “I swear, I have NO
clue…everyone in the pub just kept buying me drinks,
saying they loved the new album…I guess I lost
myself an’…and I might have told a few
people…”
The others glower at Bono with fury and Bono sinks lower
and lower into his chair.
Larry: (Pursing his luscious lips) “How many is a
FEW?”
Bono: (Shrugging and still looking at the ceiling)
“Oh, one or two…” (Coughs and mumbles)
“Or ten…”
Larry and Edge jump out of their seats and Adam groans,
banging his head on the table in disappointment.
Adam: “Oh, Bono how could you?”
Larry: “TEN!!!”
With that, Larry moves to lunge at Bono over the table.
Edge grabs Larry by the waist to stop him. Bono’s
chair falls backward as he tries to avoid Larry’s
grip, and his tiny feet fly up in the air.
Bono: (On his back) “What is this? The
‘Numb’ video?” (He pokes his head up over
the table) “I don’t really remember how many! I
was drunk off my arse! I’M SORRY, OKAY??”
Larry swallows his frustration and sits down calmly, Edge
following suit. Paul nods as Bono sits back up in his
chair.
Paul: “This person seems to find you guys quite
humorous…I’m beginning to think they’re
right. You need to work as a team.” (He glares at
Larry) “And keep what goes on in the team in the
team ONLY.” (Bono gets a nasty look) “Lucky for
you I found out about your little slip and all those who
heard, which actually is only counting three people,
beside whoever this is, and…ahem, adjusted their
memory.”
Adam: (Nodding) “How much did you pay them?”
Paul: “It’s not wise to say in front of Larry
‘The Penny Pincher” Mullen.”
Larry: (Groaning miserably) “That bad? Please tell
me it wasn’t more than PopMart!”
Paul: (Clearing his throat and avoiding a reply to
Larry’s comment) “No more flipping about.
You’ve got to get on this NOW. It’s just
threats at the moment, more like a warning, but they did
have Edge kidnapped once. You must dispose of him or
her!”
The four nod in unison and leave the dining room, the
note and hot pants clutched angrily in Larry’s hand.
Scene
Three
Setting: [Downtown
London Streets] Larry is riding his motorcycle, Bono
clinging to the back, and they are following Edge and
Adam’s silver BMW. Adam, usually a fantastic driver,
is weaving back and forth, trying to avoid getting hit by
someone in the downtown traffic. Larry and Bono can hear
him cursing out the window and throwing angry gestures
around in the car, which makes Edge duck and weave in his
seat to avoid being hit by Adam’s hands and arms.
Larry: (Yelling with his head slightly turned to avoid
bugs in the mouth) “I know we’re in London and
all now, but didn’t Paul say we should be looking
for you-know-who? I mean; I’m sure he’s
followed us here…”
Bono: “Well, we don’t know who, that’s why
we’re looking…but it can’t hurt to take a
little break! Live a little, young one!”
Larry: (Grudgingly) “So where are we going?”
Bono: “Couple raves and disc-WHAT THE HELL!!!”
Suddenly a car next to them swings over, nearly crashing
into Larry and Bono. Bono screams out, but luckily Larry
keeps his cool, swerving out of the way and glaring
irately at the driver, whom they unfortunately can’t
see behind the car’s tinted windows.
Thinking the ordeal is over, Bono settles back in the
seat only to be jolted again as the car attempts to bash
into them once more, just narrowly missing them because
of Larry’s quick reflexes.
Larry: “What the hell is this moron doing?”
(Veers from car again) “He acts like he’s
trying to kill us…”
Larry trails off and the two glance at each other quickly
and realize that Larry might be right.
Larry speeds up and away from the car, squeezing through
the packed traffic to ride dangerously in the space
between Adam and Edge’s car and the next lane. Adam
is arguing with Edge and neither of them see Larry and
Bono, nevertheless the road in front of them. Larry kicks
the car door and Adam and Edge’s heads whirl around.
Edge’s eyes immediately bulge and Adam’s
cigarette flies out of his mouth in surprise.
Adam: (Yelling over honking of other cars) “What the
bloody hell are you DOING?”
Larry: (motioning behind him) “SOMEONE was trying to
total us!”
Adam: (Pauses a moment) “…Well, did you tell
them who you were?”
Bono: (Annoyed) “There’s no TELLING someone who
you are when they’re trying to hit you, Adam.”
Larry: “Besides…I think he KNOWS who
we are…that’s why he was trying to total
us!”
Realization hits Edge’s face, though Adam still
looks confused.
Adam: (Perplexed) (Yelling) “Why? Is it Henry
Rollins?”
Edge shakes his head and says something to Adam. Adam
seems to understand.
Adam: “Well, what do we do? You guys gotta get off
that thing!”
Right at that moment, their car loses its bumper as the
car that was tailing Larry and Bono now butts the BMW.
The car rockets back and forth and the traffic around
them becomes increasingly worse with people now running
over the bumper on the street and swerving away from
Larry and Bono. Adam looks at the end of the car, half
his body hanging out the window and gives the anonymous
driver of the other car the middle finger.
Edge: (clutching the steering wheel) “Okay…we all
need to just get somewhere safe!”
Larry: “In this traffic?”
Bono: (In Larry’s ear) “I know an ally or two
that’ll get us away from these guys. You wanna go
for it?”
Larry: (Nods) (To Adam and Edge) “Bono’s got a
way out of here! Follow us!”
Adam and Edge nod and Adam takes his place back at the
steering wheel as they get butted again. Edge slips off
his seat to the car floor with a loud grunt.
When the Harley gets to the corner, Larry rips it,
speeding down an empty street, Adam, Edge and the second
car peeling behind him. Bono squeals and hides his face
in Larry’s back. The car bashes into the BMW again
and then races around it, skidding toward Larry and Bono.
Edge: (To Adam) “It’s going for Larry and
Bono!”
Adam: (eyes narrowing) “It’s gonna have to go
through us.”
Before Edge can ask, Adam is chasing down the car. Larry
looks behind him at the car and swears under his breath.
He looks down at Bono and attempts to shrug him off.
Larry: “Bono, your helmet’s digging into
me!”
Bono: (breathing in deeply) “Not now…damn, what
is this cologne you wear? It’s just lovely!”
(Clutches Larry’s leather jacket and pulls his nose
up to Larry’s neck) “I’ve never smelled
anything like it!”
Larry: (Purposefully knocking Bono in the nose with his
shoulder) “Knock it off!”
Suddenly, the BMW is between the car and the motorcycle
right as Larry and Bono brace for impact. The car
screeches to a halt to avoid hitting Adam head on.
However, Larry isn’t expecting this and speeds up
unnecessarily. The motorcycle spins out of control and
Larry leaps off it, yanking Bono off with him. The
motorcycle continues to slide right into an antique
silver shop.
The anonymous car speeds off, leaving behind the four
members of U2. Larry and Bono hit the pavement roughly.
Larry lands painfully on his left shoulder and banging
his head on the street, Bono landing right on top of him.
Adam: (Leaping out of the car) “Good God, NOT the
antique spoons!”
The motorcycle crashes into the front of the store and
explodes immediately. The whole store catches a blaze.
Adam bolts over and starts to squirt water on the fire
with his powers. Edge gets out of the car and races after
Adam, pulling him back to the BMW against his will.
Adam: “Edge, what are you DOING! It’s a fire!
We have to stop it! The spoons are melting!!!!”
Edge: “Listen Adam, it’s a-”
Adam: “FIRE, I know!”
Edge: “Well, yes, but it’s a-”
With a resounding BANG, the building explodes once more.
If Adam had remained where he’d been he would have
been hurt beyond belief. Adam looks over at Edge, amazed.
Edge: “I was SAYING…there’s still
gasoline in the tank of the motorcycle.”
Adam: (Sheepishly) “Oh…”
Bono: (Calling to them) “You guys! Larry…”
Adam and Edge run over to Bono, who doesn’t even
notice his bloody nose as he looks over Larry. Larry is
breathing heavily, his arm pointing at an odd angle and a
cut bleeding on his forehead. Edge and Adam kneel next to
Larry.
Edge: “Oh, no!”
Bono: “He doesn’t look good…”
(Guiltily) “If I hadn’t landed on him, he might
have been fine.”
Edge: “Oh, Bono, it’s not your fault. He pulled
you on him to save you. You would’ve landed on your
head…where’s his helmet?”
Bono: (Pointing) “Over there…I think he forgot
to buckle it…”
Adam: “Well, lucky for him he hardly hurt his head
at all.”
Adam places his hands over Larry’s cut and it
immediately closes up.
Edge: “I forgot you could do that!”
Adam: “Well, keep forgetting coz you have a cold
coming on and I’m NOT fixing it.”
Bono: “What about the arm?”
Adam: (looking at it with a frown) “Well, I can
try…”
He does so and the arm slowly heals itself. Adam smiles
proudly as Larry sits up with a moan, clutching his head.
He looks over at Adam, Edge and Bono and then at the
fire. He attempts to stand up, but the other three
instantaneously protest.
Edge: “Larry, no! Lay down until an ambulance gets
here!”
Adam: “Larry, please!”
Larry gives them all a look that shuts them up in a
second.
Larry: “You guys couldn’t tell me what to do
for twenty-five years…you’re not starting
now.”
Larry stands up wearily and looks over at the inferno of
a building. He raises his hands.
Larry: “STOP.”
The fire immediately dies out and Larry collapses,
exhausted as three police cars and an ambulance show up.
Edge runs to go meet the police and Bono places a hand on
Larry’s shoulder.
Bono: “Thanks for helping me out there.”
Larry: (Shrugging, his eyes closed) “No
biggie…but you know, I would like something.”
Bono: “What? Anything!”
Larry: (smiling, but his eyes still closed) “I
suddenly have a craving for pineapples.”
Bono looks at Adam as Adam cracks up laughing.
Bono: (A brilliant smirk on his face) “I love this
kid!”
Adam: “You’re a bad influence on him!”
Bono: “What’s wrong with a little pineapple
addiction??”
Scene
Four
Setting: [U2’s
guest room at SNL backstage] The room is full with
celebrities and close friends of the band. Edge and Adam
are mingling within the hubbub. Neither Bono nor Larry
are in sight.
Just then, Larry walks out of the bathroom. People
congratulating him on receiving the only standing ovation
Saturday Night Live has ever gotten assault him from
every direction. He needs to find solace from the
brown-nosing. He slips out a back door and settles
himself on a dirty ally step. He breathes in the night
air and wipes the cold sweat on his brow. Suddenly the
door behind him opens and there’s Adam.
Adam: “Look, look! I’ve got a new spoon for my
collection!” (He holds up a silver spoon)
Larry: “Does that make up for me destroying all
those other ones in that store?”
Adam: (Shrugs, sitting down next to him)
“Maybe.”
Larry: “Well, that was a good job you guys did out
there.”
Adam: “Oh, stop being modest! You kicked bloody
arse!”
Larry: (Beaming) “I know.”
They’re silent a moment and then Adam speaks.
Adam: “That was really something back in London,
huh?”
Larry nods.
Adam: “…I mean, I haven’t been that close
to death since I let Bono drive.”
Larry: “That was a mistake…”
Adam: “Mistake is an understatement.”
Larry smiles.
Adam: “…You were pretty damn brave back there,
you know.”
Larry: “Nah…I mean the way you just flat out
put yourself between us and that wanker, whoever his
is…”
Adam: (Firmly) “You knew that Bono would
have hurt himself if you hadn’t pulled him in to
land on top of you.”
Larry: “…Well, I didn’t want him
die!”
Adam: “No, I’m sure not, but you could
have…”
Larry: (Pauses) “…What are you saying?”
Adam: (Obviously knowing that he’d said a little
more than he should have) “Nothing,
just…you’re a good man, Larry. And sometimes I
feel like you’re the older brother, not me.”
(Larry doesn’t say anything) (Adam continues)
“It’s cool, man, it’s cool. I’ll
leave it at that. I’ll just say you surprised me
when you did that, is all.”
Larry looks at Adam meaningfully and Adam stands up to
leave.
Larry: (As an after thought) “Well, what’d you
come out here for?”
Adam: (As he walks back in) “Nothing much…we
lost Bono, is all.”
Larry: “WHAT?”
Adam: “Jerry Mele told me Bono kept saying something
about a craving for pineapples.”
Larry: (Putting his head in his hands) “Oh,
no…”
*~*~*~*
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