Adventure
Two:
“The butts are burning…”
Scene
One
Setting: [Paul
McGuiness’s Office at U2’s Principle
Management] Paul is sitting at his desk, chain smoking
heavily and wearing a grim look on his face. Bono is
lying down on a couch to Paul’s left and Edge is
sitting in a chair in front of his desk. Adam is sitting
at Bono’s feet, desperately trying to out smoke
Paul. Larry is perched on the corner of Paul’s desk,
staring out the window at a quiet Dublin morning down
below.
Paul rubs his eyes with his free hand and sighs.
Paul: “So they said that their master got the DNA
from you? Well, that means it’s an inside job or how
else would they get it?”
Edge: “Yeah…we need to go to the police. We
should have as soon as they retrieved me.”
Bono: (Propping himself up on his elbow) “Yeah! Like
the police were gonna believe that our evil twins
came out of nowhere and stole you.”
Adam: “Well, then what CAN we do?”
Paul: (pauses) (hesitantly)“Well, there is
something…but I really don’t like it. However,
I don’t like them kidnapping you either,
so…”
Larry: “It’s neither.”
Bono: “NO, it’s either.”
Adam: “I still stay it that it could be neither or
either.”
Bono: (Snorting) “And I don’t suppose you
don’t like pineapples either?”
Larry: “NEITHER.”
Bono, Adam & Edge: “WHATEVER!”
Paul: “Enough about pineapples! This is
important.”
Bono: (Sitting up) “What is it?”
Paul: (quietly and solemnly) “I have something for
you four. I hoped I would never have to give it to
you…that it would never be necessary, but I see now
that it is.” (His finger snaps up in Edge’s
face as a warning and all four of the band members flinch
out of habit) “BUT…you must not tell
anyone about it and you must only use it when it is
extremely necessary.”
Adam: “Paul, what are you going on
about?”
Paul pulls out an ornate crystal box from the inside of
one of his many locked drawers of his desk. He opens the
crystal latch of the box and the top pops open, revealing
four colored orbs of light, nestled comfortably within
little dents in the crystal. The orbs are all a different
color: blue, yellow, green and red.
Paul: “This is what I’m going on about
my dear friends.”
Larry: (Leaning in to get a closer look) “What are
they?”
Larry reaches out to touch them and Paul pulls the box
away and shuts it close.
Paul: “Don’t touch it yet! I need to explain
first!”
Larry’s hand snaps back and his gives Paul an
agitated look.
Larry: “Why? What are they?”
Paul: “They are called elemental force orbs.
I’m not at liberty to say how I came upon them, but
I had them as an intention for you four if there ever
came a time when bodyguards were no longer enough. I feel
now is that time.”
Adam: (Standing up, flicking his cigarette, and talking
to Bono) “Bonkers. He’s gone completely
mad.”
Bono: (Shrugging) “It was bound to happen managing
us. I mean, look what it did to you. And you only managed
us what? Two years? This guy’s been doing it for
more than twenty! He’s been on his way out since
1980, if ye ask me…”
Edge: “He’s been on his way out since we MET
him.”
Paul: “I resemble that remark! No, wait…I
mean-”
Larry: (Squinting at Paul) “You don’t really
expect us to believe this gibberish, do you?”
Edge: “Yeah. Weird time to show off your new
Christmas lights, Paul.”
Paul: “When have I ever lied to you?!”
Larry, Bono, Edge and Adam scowl at Paul and he
backtracks.
Paul: “Okay, don’t answer that, but I’m not
lying now. This is what it seems.”
Edge: “Uh-huh…and what do they do
then?”
Paul: “Well, it’s simple enough. When you use
these on a person, that person takes on the qualities and
the element of that orb.”
Bono: (leaning his head on his hand and obviously
humoring Paul) “Uh-huh…and what are these
qualities you speak of?”
Paul: “Well, umm…let’s find out, shall we?
I want these to go to you. Understand…you will have
abnormal powers and the ability to control certain parts
of nature. Again, you must only use the powers when it is
necessary.”
Adam: (totally confused) “Abnormal powers? The
ability to control certain parts of NATURE?”
(Whistles) “Bono, why don’t you go get your
straight jacket out of the closet…I think we need
it.”
Bono: “NOT MINE! Why not yours!”
Adam: “No way!!!”
Larry, who is now behind Paul, looks at Edge and mouths, He’s
off his rocker. Edge pretends to be staring at Paul,
but widens his eyes at Larry and nods his head
vigorously.
Paul: “Look, I know you don’t believe me, so
just try it. If I’m lying you can prove what an old
bat I am.”
Bono looks at Adam. Adam raises his eyebrows at Edge.
Edge looks at Larry, who is always the decision maker in
the U2 camp. Larry shrugs indifferently.
Larry: “Alright, Paul, alright…why not, right
fellas?”
Bono, Edge & Adam: (Mumbling) “Yeah,
yeah…sure, sure…why not…”
All four look at the orbs Paul is holding nervously.
Nobody moves to touch them.
Edge: “You know what? Larry, you’re a brave
man, why don’t you go first?”
Larry: (Snorts) “Not that brave!”
Paul: (Annoyed) “C’mon! If I’m
lying you have nothing to worry about, right?”
Larry: (looks up at him) (Pauses, then nods) “Of
course!” (Pulling his pants up with great gusto and
broadening his shoulders, a macho look spreading across
his face) “Paul, you’re a slick one trying to
get us worked up over a little joke like this!”
Larry reaches out and touches the red orb. He laughs
casually at the others as at first nothing happens, and
then suddenly yells out.
Larry: (Yanking at his fingers) “My fingers are
stuck! Argh!”
The orb Larry chose begins to crackle and snap, and
Larry’s fingers become warm, then very hot. Much to
Larry’s surprise, the feeling is not painful and it
works its way up his arm. Quite without notice, a sudden
flame shoots from the orb and engulfs Larry’s hand.
Larry yells out quickly and Edge, Bono and Adam go into
immediate hysterics, attempting to pull Larry away from
the orb. Suddenly they all cry out and let go of Larry,
who is making the face of a constipated eighty year old.
Bono: “He’s burning hot!”
Adam: (In awe) “Look at him…he’s turning
red.”
Edge: “It’s a scientific
phenomenon…where’s my journal? I gotta write
this down so I can research it…”
Larry: (shaking violently, his hand still stuck to the
orb) “Y-you guys…m-m-make it s- stop-p!!!”
Paul: (Nodding slowly) “He got Fire.”
The flame then engulfs Larry’s whole body. Larry
lets out a shrill yell and the flame dies out. Larry
collapses to the floor wearily, Bono attempting to catch
him and soften his fall.
Larry is covered in a cold sweat and he is breathing
heavily. Bono slaps his face lightly, trying to get a
response. Edge and Adam kneel worriedly around him and
Paul glances at him from over his desk.
Paul: “He’ll be fine.”
Edge: (Worriedly) “FINE? Paul, he was just swallowed
up by fire!”
Paul: “That’s okay…it didn’t hurt
him…nor will it ever again.”
Larry’s lashes flutter and then his blue eyes snap
open. He squeals loudly and wraps his arms around
Bono’s neck in fright.
Larry: (Yanking Bono’s face into his shoulder as he
squeezes him) “Mummy!!!”
Bono: (Voice muffled in Larry’s shirt) “Larry,
you’re…ugh…fine…ugh…let GO!
Larry…hey, you smell good!”
Larry immediately lets go of Bono, throwing him a funny
look.
Bono: (Shrugging as he settles himself on Larry’s
chest and takes in a deep sniff) “What? Well, you
DO!”
Larry grunts in an attempt to flash his masculinity and
shoves Bono off him. Edge and Adam help him up. Larry
stands up, weakly at first, then becomes familiar with
his feet again and stands up straight, brushing off
Bono-dust from his shoulder.
Larry: (Snaps as Adam and Edge fuss over him)
“I’m okay, I’m okay!”
Bono: (still lying on the floor) “If you’re
okay, then why is you booty on fire?”
Larry howls, jumping around frantically as the seat of
his jeans flames up. Edge, without thinking, immediately
starts to beat Larry’s butt in an attempt to put out
the fire. Adam grabs a glass of water off Paul’s
desk and splashes Larry’s backside with it.
Edge: “You okay?”
Larry: (Nodding) “Yeah…it didn’t hurt at
least. Shouldn’t it have hurt? No, I’m
fine…”
Bono: “But are your ducky knickers okay?”
Larry looks worriedly at his butt.
Larry: “I hope so or Aaron won’t be too
happy.” (Realizes Bono’s teasing him)
“Hey, shut up!”
Paul: (standing up) “Okay, now…Larry. I want
you to think of something that really ticks you off or
annoys you and hold out your hand.”
Larry: (Raising and eyebrow) “WHY?”
Paul: (Pleading eyes) “Please?”
Larry rolls his eyes and holds out his hand. Nothing
happens.
Paul: “No, no…think of something that REALLY
ticks you off…something that gets you really
angry.”
A look of concentration crosses Larry’s face.
Suddenly, anger flashes across his face.
Larry: “Photographers!”
A huge flame bursts into Larry’s palm and Adam and
Bono jump back, terrified. Edge, however, doesn’t
move fast enough and yelps as one of his eyebrows is
singed.
Larry: “Heh, heh! Kewl!”
Bono: “How the hell did you do that???”
Larry: (shrugs at him, the flame still floating in his
hand) “I dunno.”
Edge: “Argh! How come it singed my eyebrow and not
yours? You’re obviously closer to the fire than I
was!”
Paul: “Larry will now be immune to fire for the rest
of his life. He cannot be scalded, singed or even
sunburned. Though you’ll now be able to get quite a
nice tan.”
Larry: (Gleefully as if to a girlfriend) “Really?
Oh, do you think so Paul?”
Adam: “Okay, okay…I can see this. Is that all
it does?”
Paul: “No…let’s see…you picked Fire,
Larry, so…pick up my desk.”
Larry: (Flame burns out) “You’re kidding right?
That desk is steel!”
Paul: “Just trust me.”
Bono: “PAUL. Larry has a bad back. Remember? We
practically made the whole POP album without him. What
makes you think he can lift that?”
Paul: “It’s a side effect.”
Larry grins happily and lunges Paul’s desk into the
air.
Larry: “Oh, this is SWEET.” (Puts the desk back
down)
Edge, Bono and Adam stare at each other a moment. Then
they hurl themselves at Paul’s desk, scrabbling for
the crystal box in Paul’s hands. They immediately
begin to wrestle.
Bono: “OW! That’s my foot, you freaking
wanker!”
Edge: “My eye! My eye!”
Adam: “Oh, God! Edge, your feet! Your feet! Get
‘em away from my nose!”
Paul: (Intervening) “ONE AT A TIME. And use it only
for good?”
Edge, Bono & Adam: (straightening themselves and
holding up their right hands) “Only for good!”
Paul: “Okay…Edge first.”
Edge beams proudly and looks at the orbs. He toils for a
moment, but when Bono heaves a huge sigh of impatience,
Edge makes his choice. He chooses the yellow orb.
Suddenly lightening rips through the room and strikes
Edge. For a moment he looks like an x-ray of himself. He
begins to shake violently like Larry had done, the others
backing away in suspense. Finally the jolting stops, and
Edge stands holding the now useless and clear orb, a
large singe ring around him. His hat is stuck to the
ceiling by static electricity and what is left of his
hair is standing straight up on end. He turns around to
the others and Larry bursts into a muffled fit of
laughter. Bono looks down at Edge’s bare feet, then
across the room to his shoes, which had flown off, and
begins to choke.
Bono: “The smell is overwhelming me!”
Adam races over and, with a plugged nose, throws Edge his
shoes.
Edge: (irritably) “Oh, honestly!”
Paul: “Okay, Edge is immune to electricity. Every
time you think of something that really made you anxious
or excited, you will produce electricity currents.”
Edge bounces a current from one hand to the other
cheerfully.
Edge: “What else?”
Paul: “Well, your intelligence has been vastly
increased.”
Edge: “But I was already the brains of this
operation!”
Bono: (Snorting) “Yeah, sure you were.”
Paul: “Alright, Adam!”
Adam looks at the two remaining orbs: the green and the
blue. He chooses the blue and instantly the room fills
with water from an unseen waterfall. The five are plunged
into its icy depths, but a large bubble surrounds Adam.
Adam looks around him frantically as the bubble begins to
shake, Adam gyrating along with it. For a split moment
gills can be seen on the side of his neck, but they
disappear in a flash. The water suddenly drains. Bono is
lying of the floor, attempting to doggy paddle, Larry is
crying, (his water wings and inter tube attached tightly
to him), and Edge looks miserable, his hat wet and soppy
atop his head. Adam is perfectly dry.
Paul: “Whenever you think hard about calm, peaceful
things that make you truly happy, you will shoot water
out. You will never drown and you can also now heal small
wounds!”
Adam: (Disgruntled) “Oh great. Now whenever someone
has a cold…‘Oh, just go to Aquarius Adam!
He’ll help you out.’ Grrrrr…”
Paul: “Yeah, yeah…okay, Bono, you get
what’s left!”
Bono: (Grumpily) “Oh, joy.”
He touches the green orb and there is a pause before
anything happens. Suddenly, Bono gets the hiccups.
However, every time he hiccups, the ground shakes the
other four to the bone. Larry collapses to the floor, in
a fit of tears [again] as Adam falls on top of
him. Edge jumps into the arms of Paul, knocking them both
onto the ground.
Edge: “Mummy!”
Adam: “Bloody hell! Earthquake!”
Bono: (putting his hand sheepishly over his mouth)
“Is that little ol’-* HICCUP *” (ground
rattles) “Me?”
Adam: “Yes! Now stop!”
Edge: “Hold your breath!”
Larry: “Drink some water!”
Adam: “Take a teaspoon of sugar!”
Bono looks frantically at his band mates as he tries to
hold his breath and drink a glass of sugar water at the
same time. However, his hiccups continue, bouncing the
other four around the floor like Mexican jumping beans.
Finally Paul sneaks up behind Bono and scares him, ending
the hiccups. The water inside Bono’s mouth goes
flying through the air and right into Adam’s face.
Adam howls angrily, blinded, and flings his arms in the
air, hitting Larry right in the nose. Larry’s
bawling becomes even louder than ever.
Adam: (Squinting) “I thought you said I’m
immune to water!”
Larry: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Paul: “Oh, I never said that. I just said you
couldn’t drown.” (To Bono) “You can summon
those monstrous hiccups just by thinking hard about
something that upsets you or made you emotional. You also
have a great affinity for plants now…green thumb, if
you will. You did get Earth, after all.”
Bono: (Sarcastically and jealously) “Great. Larry
gets to be Satan and I’m a gardener.”
Larry pouts at him and blubbers louder.
Bono: “LARRY, SHUT IT!”
Larry continues to snivel and Bono puffs up his chest in
anger.
Bono: “LARRY JOSEPH MULLEN JUN-AHHHHHHH MY
ARSE!!!”
Bono jumps around the room, hysterically slapping at his
behind. Smoke is swirling up from the seat of Bono’s
pants and Larry has a mischievous grin on his face.
Adam: (Scolding Larry) “Young man, you did not
just set Bono on fire, did you???”
Larry: (Shrugs) “…Maybe.”
Edge: “Ummm…Adam? A little help here?”
Adam: “Oh…right.” (Squirts Bono’s
booty with his water abilities)
Larry: (To Bono) “Are your drawers okay Bono?”
Bono: (Glowering at Larry) “Grrrrr…”
(Larry starts to vibrate aggressively as Bono hiccups)
“You little brat!”
Paul: “HEY! What did you guys just promise to
do?”
Adam & Edge: (Their heads down guiltily) “Only
use it for good.”
Paul: “That’s right! If you don’t,
something bad could happen! Now knock it off!”
Larry and Bono stop, still shooting daggers from their
eyes at each other. Paul sits down on his soaked desk and
looks them all in the eye.
Paul: “Don’t get caught with this. Now I want
you to go out there and find out who this jerk is.”
The four nod and move toward the door to leave. However,
Adam hangs back and glances over at Paul.
Adam: “Hey Paul?”
Paul: “Yes Adam?”
Adam: “Why didn’t you give us this a long time
ago?”
Paul: “…I suppose there are a lot of reasons.
It’s dangerous, it’s not the best thing…so
on and so forth.”
Adam nods and goes to follow the others. In the doorway
he stops and looks at Paul again.
Adam: “Why’d you REALLY not give it to us
earlier?”
Paul: (Smiles briefly) “I don’t trust any of
you.”
Adam: (Nodding, a grin on his face) “Thought as
much…” (Stops one last time) “I
wouldn’t trust us either!”
Adam strolls out whistling, leaving Paul sitting by
himself.
Paul: (To himself) “I wonder if…they’ll
figure out who the master is…it’s so
obvious…” (Shakes his head, a smirk on his
face) “Nope…they’ll never figure it out.
Those boys do everything the hard way.”
*~*~*~*
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