Adventure
One:
Id hate to see what the evil U2 acts
like
Prologue
Setting:
[Edges Dublin House] Edge is sleeping quietly on
the living room sofa. Last night, he came home from a
hard day at the recording studio only to find that his
two children, (cuddling close to their mother Morleigh),
were filling his spot in his bed. Edge couldnt bear
to wake up and move his adorable little tykes and
hadnt felt much like sleeping in the empty, large
guest rooms. So he had trucked himself, two pillows and a
blanket down to the living room couch. He had fallen
asleep watching a discovery channel special on owl
droppings. Thus, the life of a rock star.
Its still very early in the morning. The clock
reads 4:07. A knock comes at the front door.
Edge: (Opening one eye) Argh
go away.
The knocking continues.
Edge: (Pushing his blanket off and sitting up in his
pajamas and beanie) Alright, alright
Knocking gets louder.
Edge: (Getting off the couch and opening the door)
Yes? Oh, Bono. What is it? What do you want?
Its a little late, but cmon in
WHOA!!!
Youre not-`
Someone unseen pulls Edge through the door and closes it
behind him.
Morleigh comes to the top of the stairs, rubbing her
eyes.
Morleigh: (Down to living room) Edge, honey, who is
it? (Walks down the stairs and looks into the
living room, alarmed) Edge? Edge, where are you?
EDGE?
Scene
One
Setting:
[Larrys Dublin House] Larrys alarm goes off
loudly. Larrys eyes flutter open, and he rubs them
with his fingers. With a loud groan, he stretches, his
unclothed, firm pectoral muscles rippling. He slaps his
alarm off the table with one solid whack, sending the
clock flying into his window, shattering it. Larry
mumbles and rolls over, pulling the covers back up to his
chin and sticking his thumb in his mouth. Suddenly, Bono
bursts in his room.
Bono: (ripping Larrys sheets off him and throwing a
quizzical look at Larry) Do you always just wear
briefs with little ducks on them to bed and nothing
else?
Larry: (looking at Bono angrily and dazed) Only
when Ann and the kids arent here. Gimme the blanket
back! (Larry reaches for it, but Bono yanks it away)
Bono: Get up! Weve got bigger problems than
your cute little duckies!
Larry: (irritably while wrapping his arms around himself
to cover up) What?!
Bono: Morleigh says Edge didnt come home last
night.
Larry: (hopping out of bed and sprinting into his closet)
Sure he did! He left when I did at one in the
morning.
Bono: Well, he aint there now! She called the
police, but they cant do anything until hes
been missing for more than 24 to 48 hours. And the police
seemed hesitant to fuss about Edges absence.
Something about rock stars doing this all the time.
Larry: (scowling as he comes out of the closet. He zips
up his jeans.) Thats a load of crap. Edge is
a very responsible person. And hes got a
family!
Bono: Yeah, well, we gotta go look for him, since
the police wont. Morleighs worried sick. It
seems he musta come home for a while and left because he
left pillows and a blanket on the couch. He also left his
shoes!
Larry: His shoes?
Bono: Yes
God help the world! Hes trying
to stick up all of Dublin with those things.
Larry nods in understanding, pulling on a shirt and
following Bono out, grabbing jackets for himself and Bono
on the way.
Scene
Two
Setting:
[Dublin Café] Adam is sitting alone by himself, a cup of
strong black coffee in one hand and a lit cigarette in
the other. His is looking out the café window, which he
is seated next to, and staring out into space. He seems
perfectly content to be sitting there doing nothing. But
he also seems edgy, as if Edge was going to storm in at
any second and drag him painfully by the cigarette into
the studio.
Bono and Larry are walking along the other side of the
street, across from the café. Larry points at the window
right as Adam sees them and tries to hide his face in a
newspaper. It is, however, too late. Bono runs across the
street, into traffic, and bursts into the café with car
horns still blaring behind him and a very pale Larry
following in tow.
Bono: (Sitting down at the table with Adam and pulling
the newspaper down away from Adams sulking face)
Hey Beautiful.
Adam: (sighing and leaning back in his chair as Larry
sits down next to him) Im sorry
(He then leans forward) Do I know you?
Bono: (Sarcastically) No, I just approach hot guys
I see on the streets.
Adam: (Grinning) You think Im hot too?
Larry: (Making a funny face) Whatd ya mean
too? How many girls approached you
today?
Adam: (glancing down at a tally he was keeping on the
corner of his newspaper) Uhm, slow day today. So
far only twenty-one, but you know it IS still
early.
Larrys face falls and he fidgets, disgruntled.
Larry: I dont get it. IM the cute one!
Not YOU.
Bono: He really is Adam. You should see the
adorable little briefs he sleeps in when no one else is
at his house
I think theyre Aarons now
that I think about it. They were a bit
tight
Larry: (Interrupting) OKAY, so
weve lost
Edge.
Adam: (Raising an eyebrow) Sorry?
The next few responses come in a quick babble that only
the three could possibly understand.
Bono: We lost Edge.
Adam: Lost him?
Bono: Completely.
Adam: You sure?
Larry: Pretty sure.
Adam: I mean; there was that one time we thought
we lost him but wed just left him by the
seals.
Larry: Oh, yes, the time we went to the zoo.
Bono: I love the zoo.
Adam: Who doesnt love the zoo?
Larry: Well, I dont love the
zoo.
Adam: Well, you dont like pineapples either,
so what do you know?
Larry: Its neither.
Bono: No, its either.
Adam: Well, he could be right
it could be
neither.
Bono: What does he know? He doesnt even like
pineapples!
Adam: Thats true, you dont like them,
now do ya?
Larry: They give me blisters on my tongue.
Bono: They make your tongue feel like a
cats
all sandpapery.
Adam: Yes, they do, but I kinda like it.
Bono: Edge likes it.
Larry: So where should we look for Edge?
All three pause to think, undaunted by the fact that it
took them five minutes to get to the point.
Bono motions to a waitress.
Waitress: Yes?
Bono: Do you know who we are?
Waitress: Yes. Youre customers.
Bonos shoulders sink.
Waitress: Oh, and arent you in that
band
U2? You guys are from here, arent you? Of
course, I know who you are.
Bono: (Grins) Then maybe you know what our
guitarist looks like?
Waitress: (Nods) The Edge, isnt it? Yes, I
know him.
Bono: Have you seen him?
Adam and Larry roll their eyes.
Adam: So THATS your plan? Go about Dublin
asking every person you come across?
Bono: (Shrugging) Well, someone was bound to see
him. Im mean, hes gotta stick out in pajamas,
a beanie and slippers, hasnt he?
Waitress: Well, anyway, I havent seen him in
a couple days.
Bono: Okay, thank you.
Larry: (Grabbing waitresss arm) Can you tell
me
which one of us is cuter? (Motions to
himself and Adam, who slaps a dopey grin on his face)
Waitress: For the love of
okay,
okay
(She pats Larrys shoulder as he
pouts.) Well, youre really great
looking, but
I dunno
(To Adam) You
just have an air about you, dont
you?
Adam nods, a triumphant smirk on his face as the waitress
walks away. Larry looks at her slack jawed as she walks
away and then turns to Adam. His lip quivers and he
bursts into a fit of tears. Bono puts an arm around Larry
and shakes a finger at Adam, whom has a mischievous smile
on his face.
Bono: You KNEW she was gonna say that and you let
him do it anyway! Why are you so mean to him?
Adam: (Shrugs, waving his cigarette around)
Hes the baby and Im the big brother.
Its my job.
Larrys sobs only get louder.
Bono: (Looking around self-consciously)
Larry
Larry
ummm, Lardence, mate? People
are staring
could you stop now?
Larry looks up at Bono, tears glistening in his eyes.
Then he goes back to sobbing, more obnoxious than before.
Bono: (Rubbing Larrys shoulders in a comforting
manner) Adam, you really are bad. You know
hes been scared of you ever since you told that
whole gay bar Larry swung their way. They chased him
around the rest of the night! His butt has never been
pinched so much in his whole life!
Adam snorts gleefully and Larry starts to cry shrilly,
kicking his legs. Bono immediately begins to fidget.
Bono: Look what youve done! Hes going
to have a tantrum now!
Larry starts to wail, thrashing his arms around and
pounding his feet on the floor.
Larry:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Bono and Adam bolt out of their seats, smiling
apologetically at the people around them, and lift Larry
up under his arms and drag him to the door, Larry kicking
and screaming the whole way.
Bono: SEE? You tease and look what happens?
Adam: (he and Bono drop Larry on his butt on the side
walk in front of the café as Larrys tantrum
continues) Jesus Christ! (Grabs Larrys
face, squashing his cheeks together) STOP IT.
Larry sniffles, rubbing his nose, and sticks his tongue
out at Adam. Adam throws Larry a warning glance. Larry
does a raspberry, spitting all over Adams face.
Bono: (Scolding Larry) Larry Joseph Mullen
Junior!
Larry flinches, his tongue snaps back in his mouth and he
crouches down in fright and guilt.
Adam wipes his face, obviously used to this happening.
Adam: The full name always works, doesnt it
now?
Bono: That it does
(To Larry) GET
UP!
Larry springs up to his feet, straightening his posture.
Bono: Now, both of you
we have to find Edge.
Enough with the games!
Adam: (Looking across the street at a pub hopefully)
H-hey, Bono
? Could we maybe go for a pint of
Guinness first? Please?
Bono looks like he wants to say yes, but knows he
shouldnt. Larry butts in.
Larry: Bonos right. We have to look for Edge.
No more wasting time, right Bono?
Bono is eyeing the pub and looks at Larry. Larry throws
him a stern look and then Bono looks at Adam. Adam raises
an eyebrow, as if challenging him. Bono gives in and
bolts across the street, Adam running after him and Larry
dragging his feet and taking his time to get across with
the traffic.
[Two
hours later
]
Bono
stumbles out of the pub, his arm wrapped around the
shoulders of an equally wobbly Adam. Larry is trailing
behind, his head down and his hands in his jean pockets.
Bono is swinging a beer bottle in his hand and singing
The Monkees Theme. Adam is laughing uncontrollably, an
open beer bottle also in his hand. However, unlike Bono,
he has also horded several more unopened bottles into the
pockets of his jacket.
Bono: (Very stupidly and extremely loud) Hey, hey
were the Monkees
PEOPLE SAY WE MONKEY
AROUND!!!
Adam: Hee, hee
ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
Larry: (Rolls eyes) We have to find Edge, you
guys!
Bono: (turning around and pointing at Larry with his beer
bottle) You are right on, Daddy-O! We best find
that slick partner before he becomes someone elses
pain in the arse! (Slapping Adams shoulder)
Hey, doggie
you ready to ramalama?
Adam: Heh, heh
ha, ha, ha, ha!
Larry: (grabbing Bonos shoulder and scowling at
him) Will you guys get it together? I knew the pub
was a bad idea. We wasted two whole hours!!
Bono: (frowning, pushing Larrys hand off his
shoulder) Look, sullen Mullen
youre jes
pissed coz that sorry ass bartender wouldnt serve
you coz he wasnt feelin you were older than
eighteen.
Larry: (Logically and without a pause) Ive
been getting that all my life. Why would it tick me off
now?
Adam: Hee, hee
Bono: (To Adam) What the hell are you
laughin at?
Larry: (Sighs) We need to make up for lost
time.
Bono: (Hiccupping) Look Babydoll, you need to chill
your bugged-out ass. Dont have a spaz, Chaz.
Larry: (raising an eyebrow) Whos
Chaz???
Bono: Times a-pissing away, cool cats!
Lets rock and roll!
Bono runs down the street, Larry following close behind.
Adam watches them panting and overexerting themselves for
a moment and then flags down a cab.
Larry: (Panting loudly) Where are we going?
Bono: Listen, Pup
gotta follow my
intuition
Larry: WHAT intuition?
Bono: Me and Edge have a love stronger than
anything else
I can feel him
the Guinness flows
through my veins
I can smell his feet from
here!
Larry: (making a funny face) Ive been meaning
to talk to you about you two and your love
and
Edge and his feet
Bono: Cool it, Kitten
hes like a brother
to me, not a cute second cousin.
Larry: What???
Bono: Stop stressin yourself,
G
its not how youre related, its
if its legal. But youre right on about the
tootsies. That dog needs to get himself some overkill
odor eaters.
Larry glances at his watch, which reads 3:47 PM.
Adams cab pulls up next to them, slowing down to
follow them.
Adam: Hee, hee
so hows the search
going?
Larry: I dont know where hes taking us.
Hes drunk off his ass.
Bono: (Sounding offended at first) Drunk! DRUNK???
MY GOD! (He whirls around, nearly smacking into
Larry) Thats the biggest understatement
Ive heard since I said I talk too much! (He
continues to run down a street, and then takes a right at
the corner, giggling, with Larry and Adam trailing)
Adam: I have an idea.
Larry: BONO, will you SLOW DOWN?
Adam: I have an idea!
Bono: (Ignoring Adam) Cant slow down my high
vibe, Babe. Get in the groove and move that itty-bitty
booty! Im on the trail of the trash!
Adam: I HAVE AN IDEA.
Larry & Bono: WHAT?
Adam: Why dont you get in the cab and stop
running around everywhere like a bunch of wankers?
Larry and Bono look at each other, a light dawning on
them, and hop into the back of the cab next to Adam. The
cab peels away, Bono shouting directions to the driver
with his right leg still hanging out the door and a half
full beer bottle smashing to the street behind them.
Bono: Whoops
Larry pulls him in and the cab shoots down the street.
Scene
Three
Setting:
[Abandoned Warehouse] Edge is sulking, strapped to a
chair in a large room of an abandoned warehouse. He
shifts uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair and sighs
to himself.
Edge: It couldntve been who I thought
it was
why would they?
Suddenly a door opens and Bono, Larry and Adam walk in.
However, they seem much different from their usual roles.
Larry is talking loudly and animatedly, gesturing wildly.
He is sporting a tight red tee shirt with swooshy red
jogging pants and red Nikes. Bono is quiet and subdued,
wearing a red leather jacket with red slacks. Only his
boots are black. Adam is scowling at Larry, whom, in his
wild gesturing, is flicking ashes from his cigarette onto
Adam. Adam is wearing red and black pants with a bright
red baseball shirt and black jean jacket over it.
Larry: So, I said, how can you say that when
theres starving children in Ethiopia! What about
the kids in America who ARENT starving?? Make THEM
starve too!
Adam: (disgusted look on his face) God, how can you
smoke those things? Cigarettes are gross!
Larry: Oh, I love em
hey, whaddya guys
say we go out for some nice juicy steak?
Edge: (under his breath) Adam despising
cigarettes??? Larry wanting to eat meat??? Foul play is
afoot!
Adam: (To Edge) SO
Edge! Comfortable?
Edge: Of course not! What kind of joke is this?
Bono let me out!
Bono shakes his head silently, an angry look on his face.
Larry smiles broadly.
Larry: (Putting a hand on his shoulder) Edge, Edge,
Edge
why would we let you out? We just got
you!
Edge: (Looking at Bono) Bono, this isnt funny
anymore
you guys, let me up!
Bono hangs in the back with his arms crossed.
Larrys obviously the one in charge of the
situation, an uncharacteristic grin plastered on his
face.
Larry: Tsk, tsk
youre our best catch
yet! Were not letting you go so quickly.
Edge: Who ARE you? Youre not the Larry I
know!
Larry: (a pleased smirk spreading across his face)
Youre right. Im not. WERE not.
And you know why? (Putting his face close to
Edges) Coz were NOT the Larry, Adam and
Bono you know
that you love. You see
(Larry walks around Edge, his hands behind his back)
Were not U2
were U2s evil
twin.
These words didnt have the effect on Edge that Evil
Larry had anticipated.
Edge: (Mildly) Uh-huh.
Evil Larry: (Surprised) You dont believe
me?
Edge: How could you be our evil twin?
One
youre missing a double of me and
two
youd have to clone us coz we werent
born with twins.
Evil Larry: (Matter-of-factly) Do we, or do we not,
look like Larry, Adam and Bono?
Edge: (Looking over them quickly, fear crossing his face)
Hey! I know who you guys are! Youre U2s
evil twin!
Evil Larry looks over at Evil Adam and Evil Bono with a
quizzical look. Evil Bono rolls his eyes. Evil Adam
shakes his head.
Evil Larry: (Calmly, but obviously bothered) I just
SAID that.
Edge: (Struggling uselessly in his binds)
Theres no use denying it! Ive figured
you out!
Evil Larry: (Getting upset) Thats coz we just
TOLD you! Were the same as you in looks, but
were opposite of you as people!
Edge: Give it up, I know! Youre the same as
us in appearances, but your personalities are totally
different from ours!
Evil Larry looks astonished at Evil Adam.
Evil Larry: Considering that his clone will be the
opposite of him, Im assuming its gonna be
VERY smart.
Edge: Clone??
Evil Larry: Of course! Were gonna clone you
so our group is complete and then were gonna take
over your fans, bad ass style!
Evil Adam: Were gonna be the biggest band in
the world, not you, and were gonna push
you right out of the picture! Under your name no
less!
Edge: Wait
howd you get DNA from Larry,
Adam and Bono?
Evil Larry: We dont know
our master did
that for us
but has now put us in charge of getting
your DNA!
Evil Adam pulls an empty needle out of his pocket and
pops off the plastic tip, Edge letting out a squeal.
Edge: (Struggling in his constraints and in the process
tangling up his pajama pants) NO, please! I hate
needles!!!!
Evil Adam: (Sinisterly) All the better!
Suddenly the real Larry, Adam and Bono burst in. They
stop dead in their tracks, Adam bashing into Larry and
Bono bashing into Adam.
Edge: You guys! Help! Evil clones!
Bono: (Still slightly drunk) (Sighs) AGAIN?
I thought we already got rid of them!
Adam: (shaking his head) (Whispering) No, Bono,
that was Pearl Jam
Bono: Oh
Larry runs for it and lunges at the Evil Larry. Evil
Larry and Larry are soon wrestling each other to the
floor with loud grunts. Adam races up to Evil Adam, whom
has his fists poised in the air to fight.
Bono glares in a stupor at his evil clone, which does not
look impressed by him.
Bono: Im WAY better looking than
you!
Evil Bonos eyes squint at Bono, who gulps loudly.
All three are now fighting with their clones and Edge
looks on helplessly. Then something comes to Edge.
Edge: You guys! Theyre the opposite of you!
What you love, they hate and what you are good at, they
suck at!!!
With that Bono immediately goes into action, ducking away
from one of Evil Bonos low punches.
Bono: (Singing) But I cant help
falling
in love with yoooooouuuuuu
Evil Bono clutched his ears, screaming. Bono loves Elvis,
so Evil Bono must hate him! Evil Bono collapses to the
floor and changes into a wisp of purple smoke.
At the same time the idea hits Adam, who runs from Evil
Adam and lights a cigarette as fast as his finger can
whip it out, (which after more than half his life of
smoking, is pretty damn fast). Evil Adam speeds after
Adam. Adam turns around and blows a large puff of smoke
in Evil Adams face. Evil Adam falls to the floor,
hacking like Bono after a shot of tequila, and crumbles
to a cloud of green powder.
Adam: (Raising his hand in the air defiantly) I
have prevailed! Long live Sir Clayton!
Everyone stops to stare at him and Adam shrugs
innocently. The fighting continues.
Now Larry is the only one left. Bono and Adam run over to
aid him.
Larry: (Lifting up a hand at them) (In broken
baby English) Im a BIG BOY! I
gonna do it all myself!
Evil Larry stares at Larry viciously and Larry scrambles
for a weak spot. Larry loves motorcycles, which meant
Evil Larry hates them. But Larry had left his motorcycle
at home. Then it hits Larry. Larry hates bullshit or
brown-nosing of any kind whatsoever. Therefore, Evil
Larry should hate the truth!
Larry: (Smiling brightly) You know, youre my
evil clone! You look just like me! Youre really
good looking! Youre wearing red pants! You have an
eyelash on your cheek! Under that youre wearing
ducky briefs-
Evil Larry screams, his eyes watering and he collapses to
his knees.
Evil Larry: NO! Not the truth!
Larry: (Grinning even wider than before) You are
REALLY hot! The girls love you! You get more fan mail
than Bono does! You have blue eyes! You play drums in a
rock band! You suck your thumb when you sleep-
(Larry stops, eyes wide open in embarrassment at the
accidental leak of information and looks at the other
three self-consciously) Oh
I mean
you
DONT suck your thumb when you sleep!
At that lie, Evil Larry begins to stand up and regain
strength.
Larry: (Frantically) ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!
(Sighs) (Reluctantly) You suck your thumb when you
sleep.
With one last groan, Evil Larry disappears in a puff of
blue smoke.
Larry: YAY! I did it!!!
Bono races to release Edge as Larry jumps up and down,
shaking Adams jacket sleeve excitedly.
Larry: Did you see it, Adam? Did you see it??? Huh?
Huh? Did ya? Did ya?
Adam: Yeah, I saw, I saw! Good job buddy.
Bono and Edge walk up to them, Edge rubbing his wrists.
Bono: Well, alls well that ends
well
cept this headache Im
getting
ohhhhh, hangover time
Edge: (Shaking head) No, we still have to figure
out who their master is who made them. AND how he got the
DNA from you three without you knowing.
Adam: Yeah, but lets worry about that later.
You gotta go tell Morleigh and the kids that youre
okay.
They all walk toward the exit and Bono throws an arm
around Edge.
Bono: Yeah, I dont understand it, but
apparently she missed you!
Edge: Yeah, I better go call
weve got
lots to do.
Adam: (nodding) Yeah, you call
me and
Bonoll take Larry to Thumb Suckers and Ducky
Wearers Anonymous!
Edge: Good ol TSDWA!
Larry: (Immediately starting to cry) Im NOT
going! You cant make me!
Bono: ADAM! EDGE! DONT TEASE HIM!
Larry starts to wail again as Adam sucks his thumb
jokingly at him.
Bono: ADAM!!! (Sighs, rubbing his temples)
Larry, I have a headache!
Larry balls louder than ever.
Bono: (Annoyed) Lawrence
Larry: NO!
Bono: Joseph
Larry: (hysterically) No, please!!!
Bono: Mullen
Larry: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Bono: JUNIOR!!!
Larry dodges a smack from Bono and bolts out of the
warehouse, Bono chasing after him and screaming at the
top of his lungs.
Bono: LARRY JOSEPH MULL-
Larry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Larry squeals, covering his ears and sprinting off into
the distance, Bono stumbling behind him.
Adam and Edge stare at the odd sight for a moment.
Adam: Hey, Edge.
Edge: Yeah?
Adam: (Grinning at him) Everythings back to
normal!
Edge: (Throwing an arm around him) Yeah
for
now.
*~*~*~*
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