Someone
says “You too,” and you scream
“WHERE?” whipping out a Polaroid
camera, a sharpie and a U2 album/picture you
always have handy in your pocket.
Lemons
have a spiritual meaning to you.
Someone
says “It’s a beautiful day” and
you automatically reply, “Don’t let it
get away!”
All
your best friends know Larry’s birthday,
(Halloween, 1961), his middle name, (Joseph), and
even know his eating habits, (vegetarian).
Everyone
comes to you to settle bets on what the correct
way to say Bono’s name is, (Bon-oh).
No
one knows you by name. They just call you
“The Adam Clayton lover”.
Your
report on what caused the Second World War
somehow leads to what brilliant a move Achtung
Baby was.
You
haven’t listen to a CD by any other band in
over three months.
The
lyrics to ‘Always’ (“and always
wear a safety belt”) tend to annoy you.
When
you drive by a bar called “Over The
Edge” you comment to your friend that the
Edge should sue them for rights over his name.
You
almost get fired from your job because all you do
is surf through U2 sites on the web all day.
You
scream “BOOMCHA!” when going down a
roller coaster.
Just
to tease you, your friends are constantly saying
things like, “So I went to fly a KITE on a
BEAUTIFUL DAY and lost it in a JOSHUA TREE, so I
STILL HAVEN’T FOUND WHAT I’M LOOKING
FOR…but I wouldn’t climb the tree coz I
had too much PRIDE. Besides, that one may be
GONE, but I’ll get a new one IN A LITTLE
WHILE.”
You
write an English thesis on the many reasons
it’s possible that Bono could be God.
In
celebration of Larry’s birthday you walk
around all day with pictures of him taped to your
body, (don’t laugh, I actually did this!).
Your
parents used to like U2…of course that was
before you played every single album over and
over again for (a) year(s) straight.
You
have converted some of your friends into U2 fans.
When
most would consider a giant lemon chasing them a
bad thing, you like the idea because there’s
always a chance that there might be a U2 member
inside it.
You
don’t have to listen to ‘New
Year’s Day’ on your CD
player…it’s permanently imprinted in
your mind.
Everyone,
(including yourself), are quite sure that your
children will be disowned if they don’t grow
up to love U2.
You
think Bono is seriously sexy.
You
find an argument on Wire about the height of Bono
and Larry, (who really is shorter?), fascinating,
(it’s Larry).
You
can name what year a picture of the band was
taken just by their haircuts…even
Larry’s.
You
started to like olives after seeing PopMart.
You
drink more orange juice just because you learned
that Larry likes it so much.
You
can explain Adam’s “infatuation”
with spoons.
You
didn’t want kids until you discovered that
Edge has five.
You
would go into a burning building to save your
Joshua Tree CD.
You
daydream about Edge coming to your house wearing
one of his cowboy hats from the Pop-era…and
nothing else.
Your
teachers know who U2 is because of you.
Your
boss knows who U2 is because of you.
You
actually heed u2.com’s warning: phoning your
family, friends and boss, and telling them that
you’ll be too busy to talk to them all day.
You
have an empty tape just to record anything that
involves U2 on TV.
You
have ten empty tapes to record anything that
involves U2 on TV.
You
hear ‘Even Better Than The Real Thing’
playing over the PA speakers at your local Kmart
and go into the lingerie section, yelling,
“I know you’re here…Bono? Larry?
Adam? Edge??? Please, guys…come on
out!”
You
see four guys walking down the street: one with
wire rim glasses, another with short blonde hair
and a tight black tee shirt, another with black
hair and colored shades and a final one with a
beanie atop his head. You jump them, screaming
like an idiot, and then, (after realizing
you’ve just scared the shit out of four
complete strangers who are not U2), scold them on
their appearance, claiming that they’re
trying to “torture” you and swearing
that they’re lucky you have more self
control than most U2 fans.
You
meet someone whose first words to you are:
“U2 sucks” and they suddenly find
themselves in a very tight headlock, courtesy of
you, as you scream, “Take it back,
Scum!”
You
see graffiti on a wall as you drive by and pull
over just to make sure it doesn’t read,
“Rock and Roll stops the Traffic”. If
it does, you spray paint “AMEN” next to
it.
You
like ‘Big Girls Are Best’ just because
you’ve been waiting all your life to hear
Bono sing “sexy momma”.
You
pray to God every night that you can be Ali, just
to be with Bono. If you’re a guy, you pray
that one day you’ll be able to pull off
wearing Bono-like shades without getting lunches
hurled at you in the cafeteria.
Your
little brother can’t spell his own name yet,
but can rattle off every U2 album…in
chronological order.
Your
cat is named “Larry”, your parrot is
named “Mullen” and you are at the
moment fighting with the rest of your family over
naming the new dog “Junior”.
You
travel all the way to Europe just to get the
uncensored covers of Achtung Baby and Boy.
You
swear you can hear Larry’s biceps bulging on
‘Last Night On Earth’.
You
can perfectly imitate Adam’s head bopping
move that he has when he plays.
You
find a secret message in the tee shirts Edge has
been wearing recently.
You
decide to go see the TombRaider movie just
because U2 is on the soundtrack, (guilty as
charged!).
Every
year you try to find a way to really have love
light up your Christmas tree.
You
get a blond Afro in honor of Adam’s early
days.
You
carry a picture of U2 in your wallet.
U2
fans on the streets ask you for your autograph.
You
complain to anyone who will listen how it’s
not fair that you’ve only seen U2 in concert
62 times.
Your
biology teacher tells your class that you’ll
be looking at a dead fly under a microscope and
you start to cry and call the teacher a
“Bono murderer”.
You
get your friends U2 CDs for Christmas and your
friends call it “spreading the
disease”.
You
are aware that Larry drops his stick during the
album version of ‘Ultra Violet (Light My
Way)’.
You
call Bill Flanagan’s book “U2: Until
The End Of The World” the “U2
Bible”.
Your
CD ratio of “normal” CDs to U2 CDs is 1
to 22.
You
vent in your private journal that you wish Bono
would “take off those damn
shades”...with ten exclamation points at the
end.
You
nearly had a heart attack when you saw how short
Larry’s hair was in the ‘Beautiful
Day’ video.
You
can associate flying elephants with U2.
Someone
says “It’s a beautiful day” and
everyone else looks at you for instant reaction.
You
place bets with your friends on how many names
Bono’s new son is going to have.
People
know you’ve been to a classroom because they
find a scrap of paper on a desk with a sketch of
Adam and Larry on it.
Your
best friend called you during the 2000 Grammy
Awards and said: “You won a Grammy!
Er…I mean, U2 won a Grammy.”
You
can decipher little stories out of the U2 album
booklets.
You’ve
been so U2 obsessed that someone mentions Britney
Spears and you ask who she is.
You
know Bono’s first son Eli’s whole name,
(Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q).
You
can tell the “Good” U2 from the
“Bad” U2 in the music video for
‘Elevation’.
You
can perfectly imitate Bono falling off the heart
ramp.
You
write a “You know you’re a U2 fan
if…” list.
